Seeing Behind the Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Volunteer"A book of poems on people.
56 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
I'm pretty darn brave, Teresa, but you, you are a heck of a lot braver than me! Rattlesnakes I don't wanna mess with. I've seen the effects of a rattlesnake bite -- a sidewinder to be exact -- and it ain't a pretty sight.
I loved your poetic description of the old trail boss/lady. You're right, her skin might not have been in the condition it was in due to smoking at all. It may simply have been years of harsh expose to the sun which caused her rather leathery appearance.
Y'all are very lucky not to have gotten any closer to that snake accidentally. That's the real reason cowboys always wore boots, ya know.
A great adventure in wonderful free verse format. Hope it was fun...
~Dean
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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I'm pretty darn brave, Teresa, but you, you are a heck of a lot braver than me! Rattlesnakes I don't wanna mess with. I've seen the effects of a rattlesnake bite -- a sidewinder to be exact -- and it ain't a pretty sight.
I loved your poetic description of the old trail boss/lady. You're right, her skin might not have been in the condition it was in due to smoking at all. It may simply have been years of harsh expose to the sun which caused her rather leathery appearance.
Y'all are very lucky not to have gotten any closer to that snake accidentally. That's the real reason cowboys always wore boots, ya know.
A great adventure in wonderful free verse format. Hope it was fun...
~Dean
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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We had on hiking boots but with shorts - lol - wouldn't have done a lot of good against a snake like that. Thank you Dean.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi,
_ Goodness, come to Arizona, and you can see a rattlesnake up close and personal, my friend. (*<*)
_ Snakes are why we have desert landscape, and stones in the yard.
_ Can't even do grass here----way too hot in the summer. It would take Lake Mead to keep it watered.
_ Great person poem
_ Super imagery of her smokers skin and hacky cough.
_ Well done.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Hi,
_ Goodness, come to Arizona, and you can see a rattlesnake up close and personal, my friend. (*<*)
_ Snakes are why we have desert landscape, and stones in the yard.
_ Can't even do grass here----way too hot in the summer. It would take Lake Mead to keep it watered.
_ Great person poem
_ Super imagery of her smokers skin and hacky cough.
_ Well done.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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My Great Uncle used to always try to get me to come to Oklahoma for the annual rattlesnake hunt - no thanks:) thanks for the review!
Comment from flamingstar
God, I hate snakes. All of them. The question I have about this piece is, how do you know that she was wistfully reflecting about the glories of youth? Perhaps she just wanted to take a bath and have a glass of wine!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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God, I hate snakes. All of them. The question I have about this piece is, how do you know that she was wistfully reflecting about the glories of youth? Perhaps she just wanted to take a bath and have a glass of wine!
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Because she told us how much she wished she could hike the trails but she just isn't able to. Thanks for the review:)
Comment from Charlene0513
To TAB_that's me,
An excursion of sorts that would leave anyone gasping for air when ensnared or entangled with such a dangerous reptile.
smoker's skin. [But] soon she smiled -great alliteration
four-foot -also alliteration noted
Charlene0513
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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To TAB_that's me,
An excursion of sorts that would leave anyone gasping for air when ensnared or entangled with such a dangerous reptile.
smoker's skin. [But] soon she smiled -great alliteration
four-foot -also alliteration noted
Charlene0513
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Thank you Charlene:)
Comment from emkoutny
I like how you told this poem in three sections-the first observation of the woman, the second of the hike and then how you related the hike to the woman and brought it all together.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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I like how you told this poem in three sections-the first observation of the woman, the second of the hike and then how you related the hike to the woman and brought it all together.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much:)
Comment from Ekim777
Maybe this poem is out of focus. It should be about that snake, newly discovered in that suddenly uncovered garden of Eden then things might have begun to happen; something of significance; something world shattering. No matter, that funny, old eccentric was out of touch with what mattered but we're all human, aren't we? -Ekim777
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Maybe this poem is out of focus. It should be about that snake, newly discovered in that suddenly uncovered garden of Eden then things might have begun to happen; something of significance; something world shattering. No matter, that funny, old eccentric was out of touch with what mattered but we're all human, aren't we? -Ekim777
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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This poem is more about the volunteer and maybe I shouldn't even include the snake but I needed it to work in my second encounter with the volunteer lady.
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This poem is more about the volunteer and maybe I shouldn't even include the snake but I needed it to work in my second encounter with the volunteer lady.
Comment from krys123
Teresa;
- Not to butt in on your story But I saw a small rattlesnake once in the hills of California Where I was told the small ones have stronger venom than the larger ones.
I was upset with my friend who shot it with a 22 caliber pistol. For it presented no harm to us.
-I indeed like your story very much as I too, when I was younger, enjoyed hiking in the wilderness. There are things so beautiful that others cannot even imagine.
-Very good use of enjambment
-excellent and exceptional imagery which is indeed definitively expressive and most vividly descriptive.
-You getting in about the other person who love being young by hiking herself was indeed a great touch.
-Thank you for sharing and posting this Teresa and may the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Teresa;
- Not to butt in on your story But I saw a small rattlesnake once in the hills of California Where I was told the small ones have stronger venom than the larger ones.
I was upset with my friend who shot it with a 22 caliber pistol. For it presented no harm to us.
-I indeed like your story very much as I too, when I was younger, enjoyed hiking in the wilderness. There are things so beautiful that others cannot even imagine.
-Very good use of enjambment
-excellent and exceptional imagery which is indeed definitively expressive and most vividly descriptive.
-You getting in about the other person who love being young by hiking herself was indeed a great touch.
-Thank you for sharing and posting this Teresa and may the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Thank you Alex. Blessings.
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Thank you Alex. Blessings.
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You are so welcome Teresa.
Alex
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job describing the scene and the woman. Good use of specific words to create those pictures. I enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for the author notes.
I do not like snakes, but I do not want them hurt either. Hopefully they will stay way far away from me out in the fields.
Good job and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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You did a great job describing the scene and the woman. Good use of specific words to create those pictures. I enjoyed reading your poem. Thanks for the author notes.
I do not like snakes, but I do not want them hurt either. Hopefully they will stay way far away from me out in the fields.
Good job and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Thank you Jan:) I don't like them either though for some reason I was hoping to see one on our trip - be careful what you wish for -lol.
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Thank you Jan:) I don't like them either though for some reason I was hoping to see one on our trip - be careful what you wish for -lol.
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Afternoon, Teresa,
I enjoyed your people watch poem this afternoon. Your words are very descriptive and interesting. As I read, I began to recall my own hiking adventure in the Grand Canyon many years ago.
Writing the poem in free verse and extended paragraphs works well. I think it helps add emphasis where needed, as well as providing for perhaps a longer pause than a comma would provide.
Some phrasing I particularly liked include:
*a bit cranky she looked in the wrinkled long-time smoker's skin.
*with wide eyes she asked
*she reflected her wishes to be young again
*the wild of the hills.
One of the things you have introduced and used consistently throughout the poem is end-sentence periods and occasional commas. I think when a poet commits to this type of structure, he/she should be consistent with good punctuation throughout. I've also noted some potential other SPAGS in [ ] for you to consider.
For example, in the first paragraph: (there are similar comma concerns in the other two as well)
Her small frame
hidden
behind the volunteer's desk,
a bit cranky[,] she looked
in the [her] wrinkled long-time
smoker's skin. But soon she smiled
and greeted us in husky voice.
A hacky cough[,] I expected[,]
but again my thinking was astray.
Maybe she's never smoked at all.{?}
Dressed in Wildcat Hills
polo and khaki pants, [and] short hair
to match her petite size. Happily,
she gave the guides
and soon we were on our way.
at the rattler['s] sound.
A good read!
Ray
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Good Afternoon, Teresa,
I enjoyed your people watch poem this afternoon. Your words are very descriptive and interesting. As I read, I began to recall my own hiking adventure in the Grand Canyon many years ago.
Writing the poem in free verse and extended paragraphs works well. I think it helps add emphasis where needed, as well as providing for perhaps a longer pause than a comma would provide.
Some phrasing I particularly liked include:
*a bit cranky she looked in the wrinkled long-time smoker's skin.
*with wide eyes she asked
*she reflected her wishes to be young again
*the wild of the hills.
One of the things you have introduced and used consistently throughout the poem is end-sentence periods and occasional commas. I think when a poet commits to this type of structure, he/she should be consistent with good punctuation throughout. I've also noted some potential other SPAGS in [ ] for you to consider.
For example, in the first paragraph: (there are similar comma concerns in the other two as well)
Her small frame
hidden
behind the volunteer's desk,
a bit cranky[,] she looked
in the [her] wrinkled long-time
smoker's skin. But soon she smiled
and greeted us in husky voice.
A hacky cough[,] I expected[,]
but again my thinking was astray.
Maybe she's never smoked at all.{?}
Dressed in Wildcat Hills
polo and khaki pants, [and] short hair
to match her petite size. Happily,
she gave the guides
and soon we were on our way.
at the rattler['s] sound.
A good read!
Ray
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for the in depth review and helping me with the punctuation. I have made the changes.
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Thank you so much for the in depth review and helping me with the punctuation. I have made the changes.
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You're very welcome!
Ray
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, Theresa, you did an excellent job writing this poem about the close encounter you had with the rattlesnake and the concern the volunteer you met had about it. I enjoyed reading it
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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this is an excellent write, Theresa, you did an excellent job writing this poem about the close encounter you had with the rattlesnake and the concern the volunteer you met had about it. I enjoyed reading it
Comment Written 04-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2015
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Thank you:)
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Thank you:)
