Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Chapter 10; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
64 total reviews
Comment from eliz100
This chapter is well-written, as usual. The romance is blossoming nicely, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. It was a great read from beginning to end.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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This chapter is well-written, as usual. The romance is blossoming nicely, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. It was a great read from beginning to end.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from lola29
Oh, this chapter was sensational. I love the subtlety of love between Steven and Leya. Your writing gives me a sense of their deep infatuation with each other. Bravo!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Oh, this chapter was sensational. I love the subtlety of love between Steven and Leya. Your writing gives me a sense of their deep infatuation with each other. Bravo!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from FredCollingwood
Great story and excellent writing. I found nothing you need to improve. I love creative wording like this:
A healthy pink covered her cheeks.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Great story and excellent writing. I found nothing you need to improve. I love creative wording like this:
A healthy pink covered her cheeks.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Thank you. Coming from you, this means a lot to me.
Comment from Nicnac
Yowsie yowsie yowsie!
The sparks are beginning to fly and I love it!
Kiss her, Steven. It doesn't matter where it might lead. You might have fun. haha
This is a capturing chapter, Barbara. I love the little nuances you add to express their emotions and reactions. (Steven rubbing his neck and Leya's face turning a healthy pink.) These details help the reader to SEE what is happening. :)
Suggestions:
In the first paragraph, the word 'Leya' is repeated several times. Perhaps you could re-word a bit to include 'her' or 'she' as some replacements. ;)
eyelevel = eye level or eye-level
he felt her forehead making certain she didn't have a fever. She didn't, so he pulled the blankets over her a little more. ("she didn't" makes the sentence a little choppy. Perhaps re-word to:
he felt her forehead, making certain she didn't have a fever, and pulled the blankets over her a little more. (It is still clear that she didn't have a fever.)
I LOVE the poem Leya wrote. She doesn't express the fire verbally, but her poem let Steven know its burning. haha Sweet poem.
I enjoyed reading this chapter. I look forward to some raging fires! haha I hope we don't hear back from Peggy. ;)
Nic
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Yowsie yowsie yowsie!
The sparks are beginning to fly and I love it!
Kiss her, Steven. It doesn't matter where it might lead. You might have fun. haha
This is a capturing chapter, Barbara. I love the little nuances you add to express their emotions and reactions. (Steven rubbing his neck and Leya's face turning a healthy pink.) These details help the reader to SEE what is happening. :)
Suggestions:
In the first paragraph, the word 'Leya' is repeated several times. Perhaps you could re-word a bit to include 'her' or 'she' as some replacements. ;)
eyelevel = eye level or eye-level
he felt her forehead making certain she didn't have a fever. She didn't, so he pulled the blankets over her a little more. ("she didn't" makes the sentence a little choppy. Perhaps re-word to:
he felt her forehead, making certain she didn't have a fever, and pulled the blankets over her a little more. (It is still clear that she didn't have a fever.)
I LOVE the poem Leya wrote. She doesn't express the fire verbally, but her poem let Steven know its burning. haha Sweet poem.
I enjoyed reading this chapter. I look forward to some raging fires! haha I hope we don't hear back from Peggy. ;)
Nic
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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I will take care of those little problems.
Comment from dragonqueen1983
a kitten called Oscar how cute. i really like this story its so nice and i like the sexual tension :). i also like the poker game
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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a kitten called Oscar how cute. i really like this story its so nice and i like the sexual tension :). i also like the poker game
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from dmjones
Hi Barbara, I'd thought I'd stop in and read one of yours. I'm glad I did. This is very good. The dialogue is natural. I can see Stephen has it bigtime for Leya and the other guys kinda don't look at it as a bad security deal either. It moves along at a fast pace and kept my interest from beginning to end. I haven't read enough to really comment on the plot but since it's a romance it felt to me like it moved forward. I didn't spot any nits.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara, I'd thought I'd stop in and read one of yours. I'm glad I did. This is very good. The dialogue is natural. I can see Stephen has it bigtime for Leya and the other guys kinda don't look at it as a bad security deal either. It moves along at a fast pace and kept my interest from beginning to end. I haven't read enough to really comment on the plot but since it's a romance it felt to me like it moved forward. I didn't spot any nits.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Tellis
Lifting him to eye()level, she smiled Just the one spag. I thought it was just right. I like a little romance in an action story.
Tellis
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Lifting him to eye()level, she smiled Just the one spag. I thought it was just right. I like a little romance in an action story.
Tellis
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I hope it's a little action in a romance story.
Comment from jadapenn
You posted far too soon. Now you lure us right to that kiss and then you stop to post. Really, I need to give you some lessons on how to 'go fetch'. Lol. Ugh, you could probably give me more advanced lessons. :)
Well written.
Luv jada
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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You posted far too soon. Now you lure us right to that kiss and then you stop to post. Really, I need to give you some lessons on how to 'go fetch'. Lol. Ugh, you could probably give me more advanced lessons. :)
Well written.
Luv jada
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Hey, I promise action, and soon. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Alaskastory
Chapter 10 begins strong hints the romance will get into full swing now that Leya is healthy.
Better to have a tag here so a reader (like me) knows if it's Steven or Jim who speaks --- 'Steven led her though the house to the backdoor. Jim stood on the back steps and opened the door. "Step outside with me."
I suggest deleting this tag: 'The hot air brushing her neck caused goose bumps(.)[, as she responded,] "You noticed?"
I look forward to more. Good job, Barbara.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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Chapter 10 begins strong hints the romance will get into full swing now that Leya is healthy.
Better to have a tag here so a reader (like me) knows if it's Steven or Jim who speaks --- 'Steven led her though the house to the backdoor. Jim stood on the back steps and opened the door. "Step outside with me."
I suggest deleting this tag: 'The hot air brushing her neck caused goose bumps(.)[, as she responded,] "You noticed?"
I look forward to more. Good job, Barbara.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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I will take another look at those tags. I was worried about the first one myself. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
As usual, very interesting read. I noticed only one error towards the beginning, where you should have 'through the house', but you omitted the 'r'. I love this suspended love because it gives the hint of an explosion soon. kudos
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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As usual, very interesting read. I noticed only one error towards the beginning, where you should have 'through the house', but you omitted the 'r'. I love this suspended love because it gives the hint of an explosion soon. kudos
Comment Written 05-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2010
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You are the only one who caught that. Thank you very much.
