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Tantalizing Eyes

Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Chapter 4 Part 3"
Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?

53 total reviews 
Comment from mshugh
Excellent
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You're having way too much fun writing this - I can tell - writers need to suffer (laugh)

Here's a few suggestions:
"I need to make sure my paperwork's - change to paperwork

Task Force parking lot - drop this 'Task Force' - we already know where they're heading

arrive in Bogota' the following day - lose the apostrophe behind Bogota

Steven turned her body - drop 'body'

Michael

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    Question about Bogota, my computer automatically spells it with an apstrophe and so does the dictionary. You're the second person to tell me to get rid of it. HELP!!!! I am of to suffer while I make the rest of the corrections. Thank you. I do appreciate the review and the support.
reply by mshugh on 06-Nov-2009
    In Spanish it has an accent ON TOP of the a - I have never seen an accent after the a

    Google it and you'll see what I mean

    Michael
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2009
    You are correct and I know that, but....when my computer adds it to the top, when I post evil eddie switches it to a @. I manually put it in, so that it is spelled correctly or I get gigged for that. I also get gigged for not having it. I guess I need to change the Drug Cartel's home to a different city in Colombia that doesn't have an accent.
Comment from Queenise
Excellent
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Barbara this is one great chapter and I am sitting here in awe of your writing. Good imagery,flow,pace and this reminds me of a good tv series. I am so looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings. Queenise

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    Thank you for your review. I appreciate the time you have taken to read the posts.
reply by Queenise on 06-Nov-2009
    You're welcome friend. Queenise
Comment from leachwriter
Excellent
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Good chapter. Carries the story forward at a nice pace. Dialogue very believable and author descriptions very good. I saw only a couple of minor fixes:
Steven touched the right tip of the butterfly wing,(and) then scratched a corner loose before he peeled it.

"There's no way you put this on yourself. Who got close enough to put it ?" (you have an extra space between last word and question mark.)

When Steven helped Leya into the helicopter, he noticed her trembling (hand)and held it.

Good job,
regards

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    I thought I had taken care of the hand one. Darn!!!! Thank you for the review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Readywriter52
Excellent
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Carlos's younger brother, Paco Martinez was seen by Leya. Her mother was beat up. The two cartels are trying to find Leya. She decided to go to Columbia and confront her father. That sounds foolish to me.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    She's very implusive. But Steven to the rescue? I wonder. We'll have to wait and see. Thank you for your review and support.
Comment from scarletv11
Good
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I like this story a lot and i have read previous chapters and liked them too. I thought very was good except you need to find a new word for chemistry and near-end because you used them to over again with in a few sentences. Also how was Leya able to get into the airport so quickly?

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    I will recheck the use of the words. Thank you for your review.
Comment from ms. cardshark
Average
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Watch out for too much repetition of terms and words. Leya was wringing her hands in two places in the beginning. The word return, and returned used too close together. Why did Leya put both arms in the same sleeve of her robe? Better change the wording.Needs work, although seems like an intriguing story line.
MM

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 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    Thank you for your review I appreciate your assistance.
Comment from nora arjuna
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"Can we stop by Task Force?" Michael asked[,] as they entered the city. - suggest delete comma

Leya asked if her marriage caused Hecator to ...[,]" she said - delete comm

boarded the Task Force jet headed for Bogota[,] Colombia.

hi, barb, great to catch your chapter again. hmm, now i'm worried for leya. didn't expect her to do that. put some romance into steven's head lol.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    I have no problems deleting the first two commas but I'm pretty sure the one between the city and the country needs to be there. I am off to correct them. Thank you for your review and I appreciate the continued support.
reply by nora arjuna on 06-Nov-2009
    yes, the last one needs a comma. it was an apostrophe before. i didn't say 'delete'. :)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    There needs to be an ' after Bogota' that's how it's spelled. I thought I had a comma, will recheck.
Comment from Laidy
Excellent
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i thought you wrote a wonderful chapter. i enjoyed reading and this was well written. i found this to be an interesting chapter by far

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Lisha L
Excellent
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This is a great story and I am enjoying it alot. I think I might have to go back and read the rest. Your writing is excellent, however some of the dialgue seems a bit dry. Just not real enough. I can't wait to see where you are going with this.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    I will recheck the dialogue. Thank you for the review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Good
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Another good part of the story. I can't imagine how the guy is holding back. Most guys wouldn't. I did find a couple of things.

Michael and Bob can do what they need to do at Task Force(delete this , or add and)then come get us."

When Steven helped Leya into the helicopter, he noticed her (hand?)trembling and held it.(held What?)

Other than that nicely done.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2009


reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
    He hold her trembling hand. I didn't want to use hand again in the same sentence. I have been told not to. HUMMM. Maybe I better recheck it. I will take care of the first one. Thank you.