Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Chapter 4 Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
53 total reviews
Comment from mshugh
You're having way too much fun writing this - I can tell - writers need to suffer (laugh)
Here's a few suggestions:
"I need to make sure my paperwork's - change to paperwork
Task Force parking lot - drop this 'Task Force' - we already know where they're heading
arrive in Bogota' the following day - lose the apostrophe behind Bogota
Steven turned her body - drop 'body'
Michael
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
You're having way too much fun writing this - I can tell - writers need to suffer (laugh)
Here's a few suggestions:
"I need to make sure my paperwork's - change to paperwork
Task Force parking lot - drop this 'Task Force' - we already know where they're heading
arrive in Bogota' the following day - lose the apostrophe behind Bogota
Steven turned her body - drop 'body'
Michael
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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Question about Bogota, my computer automatically spells it with an apstrophe and so does the dictionary. You're the second person to tell me to get rid of it. HELP!!!! I am of to suffer while I make the rest of the corrections. Thank you. I do appreciate the review and the support.
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In Spanish it has an accent ON TOP of the a - I have never seen an accent after the a
Google it and you'll see what I mean
Michael
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You are correct and I know that, but....when my computer adds it to the top, when I post evil eddie switches it to a @. I manually put it in, so that it is spelled correctly or I get gigged for that. I also get gigged for not having it. I guess I need to change the Drug Cartel's home to a different city in Colombia that doesn't have an accent.
Comment from Queenise
Barbara this is one great chapter and I am sitting here in awe of your writing. Good imagery,flow,pace and this reminds me of a good tv series. I am so looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings. Queenise
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
Barbara this is one great chapter and I am sitting here in awe of your writing. Good imagery,flow,pace and this reminds me of a good tv series. I am so looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings. Queenise
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate the time you have taken to read the posts.
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You're welcome friend. Queenise
Comment from leachwriter
Good chapter. Carries the story forward at a nice pace. Dialogue very believable and author descriptions very good. I saw only a couple of minor fixes:
Steven touched the right tip of the butterfly wing,(and) then scratched a corner loose before he peeled it.
"There's no way you put this on yourself. Who got close enough to put it ?" (you have an extra space between last word and question mark.)
When Steven helped Leya into the helicopter, he noticed her trembling (hand)and held it.
Good job,
regards
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
Good chapter. Carries the story forward at a nice pace. Dialogue very believable and author descriptions very good. I saw only a couple of minor fixes:
Steven touched the right tip of the butterfly wing,(and) then scratched a corner loose before he peeled it.
"There's no way you put this on yourself. Who got close enough to put it ?" (you have an extra space between last word and question mark.)
When Steven helped Leya into the helicopter, he noticed her trembling (hand)and held it.
Good job,
regards
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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I thought I had taken care of the hand one. Darn!!!! Thank you for the review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Readywriter52
Carlos's younger brother, Paco Martinez was seen by Leya. Her mother was beat up. The two cartels are trying to find Leya. She decided to go to Columbia and confront her father. That sounds foolish to me.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
Carlos's younger brother, Paco Martinez was seen by Leya. Her mother was beat up. The two cartels are trying to find Leya. She decided to go to Columbia and confront her father. That sounds foolish to me.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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She's very implusive. But Steven to the rescue? I wonder. We'll have to wait and see. Thank you for your review and support.
Comment from scarletv11
I like this story a lot and i have read previous chapters and liked them too. I thought very was good except you need to find a new word for chemistry and near-end because you used them to over again with in a few sentences. Also how was Leya able to get into the airport so quickly?
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
I like this story a lot and i have read previous chapters and liked them too. I thought very was good except you need to find a new word for chemistry and near-end because you used them to over again with in a few sentences. Also how was Leya able to get into the airport so quickly?
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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I will recheck the use of the words. Thank you for your review.
Comment from ms. cardshark
Watch out for too much repetition of terms and words. Leya was wringing her hands in two places in the beginning. The word return, and returned used too close together. Why did Leya put both arms in the same sleeve of her robe? Better change the wording.Needs work, although seems like an intriguing story line.
MM
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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
Watch out for too much repetition of terms and words. Leya was wringing her hands in two places in the beginning. The word return, and returned used too close together. Why did Leya put both arms in the same sleeve of her robe? Better change the wording.Needs work, although seems like an intriguing story line.
MM
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review I appreciate your assistance.
Comment from nora arjuna
"Can we stop by Task Force?" Michael asked[,] as they entered the city. - suggest delete comma
Leya asked if her marriage caused Hecator to ...[,]" she said - delete comm
boarded the Task Force jet headed for Bogota[,] Colombia.
hi, barb, great to catch your chapter again. hmm, now i'm worried for leya. didn't expect her to do that. put some romance into steven's head lol.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
"Can we stop by Task Force?" Michael asked[,] as they entered the city. - suggest delete comma
Leya asked if her marriage caused Hecator to ...[,]" she said - delete comm
boarded the Task Force jet headed for Bogota[,] Colombia.
hi, barb, great to catch your chapter again. hmm, now i'm worried for leya. didn't expect her to do that. put some romance into steven's head lol.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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I have no problems deleting the first two commas but I'm pretty sure the one between the city and the country needs to be there. I am off to correct them. Thank you for your review and I appreciate the continued support.
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yes, the last one needs a comma. it was an apostrophe before. i didn't say 'delete'. :)
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There needs to be an ' after Bogota' that's how it's spelled. I thought I had a comma, will recheck.
Comment from Laidy
i thought you wrote a wonderful chapter. i enjoyed reading and this was well written. i found this to be an interesting chapter by far
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
i thought you wrote a wonderful chapter. i enjoyed reading and this was well written. i found this to be an interesting chapter by far
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Lisha L
This is a great story and I am enjoying it alot. I think I might have to go back and read the rest. Your writing is excellent, however some of the dialgue seems a bit dry. Just not real enough. I can't wait to see where you are going with this.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
This is a great story and I am enjoying it alot. I think I might have to go back and read the rest. Your writing is excellent, however some of the dialgue seems a bit dry. Just not real enough. I can't wait to see where you are going with this.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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I will recheck the dialogue. Thank you for the review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another good part of the story. I can't imagine how the guy is holding back. Most guys wouldn't. I did find a couple of things.
Michael and Bob can do what they need to do at Task Force(delete this , or add and)then come get us."
When Steven helped Leya into the helicopter, he noticed her (hand?)trembling and held it.(held What?)
Other than that nicely done.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
Another good part of the story. I can't imagine how the guy is holding back. Most guys wouldn't. I did find a couple of things.
Michael and Bob can do what they need to do at Task Force(delete this , or add and)then come get us."
When Steven helped Leya into the helicopter, he noticed her (hand?)trembling and held it.(held What?)
Other than that nicely done.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2009
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He hold her trembling hand. I didn't want to use hand again in the same sentence. I have been told not to. HUMMM. Maybe I better recheck it. I will take care of the first one. Thank you.