Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Chapter 1 Part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
48 total reviews
Comment from L.lora
typo="Steven glared [at] her before glancing at Matt. "Will we offer her protection?"
suggestion="They each chambered a round and [each went to the] opposite sides of the door." [moved to]= would read a bit smoother (IMO) Ah shoot, leave at another cliff hanger, I want more...what happened when they opened the door, guess it is commercial time..LOL. Doing great, you are skillfully drawing your reader in at just the right speed, trapped, wanting to read more.. great job. Isn't it a shame that we can't use the cliff hanger effect in our books like they do on TV... I enjoyed and will try to wait patiently for the next installment. Lora
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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typo="Steven glared [at] her before glancing at Matt. "Will we offer her protection?"
suggestion="They each chambered a round and [each went to the] opposite sides of the door." [moved to]= would read a bit smoother (IMO) Ah shoot, leave at another cliff hanger, I want more...what happened when they opened the door, guess it is commercial time..LOL. Doing great, you are skillfully drawing your reader in at just the right speed, trapped, wanting to read more.. great job. Isn't it a shame that we can't use the cliff hanger effect in our books like they do on TV... I enjoyed and will try to wait patiently for the next installment. Lora
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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I already knew about the first typo, but my computer caught a virus and I couldn't get it repaired. Thank you for your review. I'm on it.
Comment from Belinda
I know the length of a story or chapter is relative. But I think this chapter is too short, it does not take us anywhere. Or, on the other hand, it is because this chapter is very interesting. I can't wait for the next one.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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I know the length of a story or chapter is relative. But I think this chapter is too short, it does not take us anywhere. Or, on the other hand, it is because this chapter is very interesting. I can't wait for the next one.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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The entire chapter is very long. I divided it into three parts. The is the ending of chapter 1. Chapter 1 was too long and this is the best way to divide it, too keep the reader interesting in all three posts. Thank you
Comment from Readywriter52
Leya has told Joe that her brother has kidnapped a baby. She wants protection because she is afraid he will hurt her. I still wonder why she decided to help them especially if she is afraid of her brother.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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Leya has told Joe that her brother has kidnapped a baby. She wants protection because she is afraid he will hurt her. I still wonder why she decided to help them especially if she is afraid of her brother.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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In Chapter 2 part 2, I think, maybe 3 she answeres that. I'm not sure how many pages of Chapter 2, I'm going to post in part 1. A good place to stop, I'm afraid is too long to post, so I'm still trying to decide where do divide it.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara Barbara Barbara
You can not stop there...Hurry we must proceed with haste.....
Either it's a set up, the baby is there or they have left...Quick ...where is she..I might have to jump into your story and rescue her myself...lol
Nicely done...The chapter went so fast I wast at the end before I knew it.
Great job!
Carol
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Barbara Barbara Barbara
You can not stop there...Hurry we must proceed with haste.....
Either it's a set up, the baby is there or they have left...Quick ...where is she..I might have to jump into your story and rescue her myself...lol
Nicely done...The chapter went so fast I wast at the end before I knew it.
Great job!
Carol
Comment Written 05-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review and being a faithful follower
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Hey..we are sidekicks..in this together. Well, you are stuck with me I should say. LOL Take care. Carol
Comment from abishag98
Wow, Barbara! This is great! Somehow I still don't trust the woman. But we'll see, eh?
I loved the way you ended this chapter. Makes you want to hurry and turn the page! Can't wait to see what happens next!
Thanks again for another great read!
-- Wendyl
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Wow, Barbara! This is great! Somehow I still don't trust the woman. But we'll see, eh?
I loved the way you ended this chapter. Makes you want to hurry and turn the page! Can't wait to see what happens next!
Thanks again for another great read!
-- Wendyl
Comment Written 05-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review and being a faith follower.
Comment from c_lucas
You have maintained the suspense and intrique with this chapter. Matt and his team are up against some very evil people. Very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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You have maintained the suspense and intrique with this chapter. Matt and his team are up against some very evil people. Very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I'm going to PM you and let you know what's going on.
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You're welcome, Barbara. PM's answered.Charlie
Comment from nora arjuna
I hope they'll find the baby. Nothing much to crit here. It's a fine, fast read mostly with a cliffhanger ending.
Taking [her] arm, Steven asked, "Donde'?" (Where?) - I think you should use her name here, then you can use 'she' in the next instance.
Steven glared [at] her before glancing at Matt. - don't you need the word there?
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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I hope they'll find the baby. Nothing much to crit here. It's a fine, fast read mostly with a cliffhanger ending.
Taking [her] arm, Steven asked, "Donde'?" (Where?) - I think you should use her name here, then you can use 'she' in the next instance.
Steven glared [at] her before glancing at Matt. - don't you need the word there?
Comment Written 05-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Steven doesn't know her name, yet. Thank you as always I appreciate your review/
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Yes, he doesn't know, but I thought you introduced her to the readers before? Or else;
Taking [the woman's] arm, Steven asked, - just how I see it. :)
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She introduced herself to Matt and Joe, but not to Steven. She does it later in the hall. I like the woman's better. Thank you.
Comment from Seaborn
You have a really good story line but the action is choppy in this section. I think you need to slow down and remember that your reader cant see the image in your mind unless you give enough description. I know I have a tendency to do that, too! I really enjoy your story, though, I look forward to reading more! LS
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reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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You have a really good story line but the action is choppy in this section. I think you need to slow down and remember that your reader cant see the image in your mind unless you give enough description. I know I have a tendency to do that, too! I really enjoy your story, though, I look forward to reading more! LS
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2009
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Thank you. I will see what I can do.
