Ralph
Everyone has a destiny.49 total reviews
Comment from tteach
I loved it! I think the age group is right, although I am SOOO far from that group, that I'm certainly not an authority.
I wouldn't change a thing. I love that we get to "hear" Ralph's voice. He's a pretty smart dog. In fact, he's outsmarted his humans. They're the ones who need training!
well done
terry
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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I loved it! I think the age group is right, although I am SOOO far from that group, that I'm certainly not an authority.
I wouldn't change a thing. I love that we get to "hear" Ralph's voice. He's a pretty smart dog. In fact, he's outsmarted his humans. They're the ones who need training!
well done
terry
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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thanks so much! Generous reviews from authors I admire mean a lot! I used my 6 year old granddaughter as guinea pig to help me. She's with adults probably too much, very precocious and an only child. It's amazing to me what they learn in kindergarten now. She told me about studying star fish. She said they run from their "creditors." I assured her that we might run from creditors, but star fish run from predators. Once I explained what a creditor is, she was adamant when she said, I said PREDators. Of course she hadn't and we both laughed. Anyway, I was surprised that predator was considered a kindergarten word! Kids have such an opportunity to learn from so many sources and, if they choose to take advantage, their vocabularies surprise me.
Again, thanks so much, Terry. I appreciate your support. ann
Comment from Jnetgame
This is an excellent story. I love the internal dialogue of Ralph. The only suggestion I have is to watch the vocabulary; words like "procrastinated" and even "intended" may be too difficult for children to understand. Good luck in the contest. I may enter if I can think of a story to go with the opening sentence.
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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This is an excellent story. I love the internal dialogue of Ralph. The only suggestion I have is to watch the vocabulary; words like "procrastinated" and even "intended" may be too difficult for children to understand. Good luck in the contest. I may enter if I can think of a story to go with the opening sentence.
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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Thanks so much. I tend to judge the language by my 6 year-old granddaughter -- but she is an only child, with adults maybe too much and extremely precocious. She was telling me a story about what she learned in school. She said they had studied star fish and she explained how they ran from their "creditors." I explained that we may all run from our creditors, but not star fish. They run from predators. She was adamant until I told her the meaning of creditors, then she said. I said, predators. I laughed and so did she. Anyway -- predators is a kindergarten class word -- amazing to me. Still you have a point and I'll watch that. I appreciate your comments and hope you enter the contest. ann
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Cute story about your grandaughter :)
Comment from BethShelby
I think animal stories are always hits with children. This is a neat story about a dog that gets a reprieve from being given away and gets to be a house dog by proving himself worthy but catching a burglar. I think everything is here that is needed to make this a charming children's story.
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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I think animal stories are always hits with children. This is a neat story about a dog that gets a reprieve from being given away and gets to be a house dog by proving himself worthy but catching a burglar. I think everything is here that is needed to make this a charming children's story.
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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thanks so much for reading and commenting. ann
Comment from jojosug
A very nice story. I especially liked the way you gave the dog a voice and we heard his viewpoint. Well written and a great read. A good contest entry.
Jo
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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A very nice story. I especially liked the way you gave the dog a voice and we heard his viewpoint. Well written and a great read. A good contest entry.
Jo
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. ann
Comment from hvysmker
"Ralph was a loveable dog, when he wasn't chasing cats, children, postmen and cars."
Ralph's ears perked, but his head rested unmoving on Billy's lap. Sometimes he slept unnoticed in a corner or hid under a bed to extend those coveted inside-dog moments. But, today, Ralph sprawled undisturbed on the couch next to Billy.
What does she mean "was?" I still "am."
Billy's mom continued her phone conversation. "I'm afraid Marty's right. Ralph needs a country home, a place where he can run and play out-of-doors, away from people."
I have a whole backyard! I want to be an inside dog. Why can't she understand that!"
*** I see what you're doing, and it's distracting. Maybe put Ralph's thoughts in parentheses ( ) or brackets [ ]?
The man is so pushy and, every month, seems to appear out of nowhere.
*** I'd lose the "every month"?
There may be an olympics in his future. "
*** Capitalize Olympics. Or so my spell-checker says.
Ten seconds of quiet and Ralph calmed. Then a shuffling noise, near imperceptible to all but the best ears, and the dog stood at full alert.
*** Aha, a burglar?
"Is" sounds so much better than "was."
Smart dog. How much did he pay the intruder?
Charlie
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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"Ralph was a loveable dog, when he wasn't chasing cats, children, postmen and cars."
Ralph's ears perked, but his head rested unmoving on Billy's lap. Sometimes he slept unnoticed in a corner or hid under a bed to extend those coveted inside-dog moments. But, today, Ralph sprawled undisturbed on the couch next to Billy.
What does she mean "was?" I still "am."
Billy's mom continued her phone conversation. "I'm afraid Marty's right. Ralph needs a country home, a place where he can run and play out-of-doors, away from people."
I have a whole backyard! I want to be an inside dog. Why can't she understand that!"
*** I see what you're doing, and it's distracting. Maybe put Ralph's thoughts in parentheses ( ) or brackets [ ]?
The man is so pushy and, every month, seems to appear out of nowhere.
*** I'd lose the "every month"?
There may be an olympics in his future. "
*** Capitalize Olympics. Or so my spell-checker says.
Ten seconds of quiet and Ralph calmed. Then a shuffling noise, near imperceptible to all but the best ears, and the dog stood at full alert.
*** Aha, a burglar?
"Is" sounds so much better than "was."
Smart dog. How much did he pay the intruder?
Charlie
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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Thanks, Charlie. ann
Comment from joan marie
I applauded at the end. Wonderful story. I could never give up my babies unless they were too sick to be kept alive. I was so happy when they decided to keep him. Having goofy day. Just got out of the lake. Sat in about a foot with 5 catfish swimming around my feet and about 7 turtles. I was hand feeding 3. One stood on my foot. I am having some great reading today also. joan marie
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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I applauded at the end. Wonderful story. I could never give up my babies unless they were too sick to be kept alive. I was so happy when they decided to keep him. Having goofy day. Just got out of the lake. Sat in about a foot with 5 catfish swimming around my feet and about 7 turtles. I was hand feeding 3. One stood on my foot. I am having some great reading today also. joan marie
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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Thanks so much. I appreciate your time in reading and commenting. ann
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I did catch myself actually clapping. Some days every read seems a little down. Today they have been uplifting like yours. Dillard is fine. I need to be in bed but wanted to read at least one of everybody who posted. jm
Comment from LauraKatherine
I gotta love Ralph's personality.
to extend those coveted inside-dog moments (nice line!)
I saved the backyard from a sneaky scoundrel. (another good line)
Some spag (reason for the 4 stars. Revise and I can upgrade!)
mean "was?" (the question mark needs to go outside the quotation mark, because the question mark applies to the entire sentence and not just to the word "was." If Mom had used "was" with a question mark after it, then "was?" would be correct. Hope this makes sense.)
Yesterday (need quotation mark)
done-deal (no hyphen)
Billy needs me (need question mark)
You said... ."
(only 3 dots)
near imperceptible to all (nearly)
outta here." He pleaded (comma instead of period)
I got a good laugh out of the story, mostly because of Ralph's distinct voice. The story flows well and is appropriate for children. Good use of the phone conversation to further the plot and show the conflict between what the owners want from Ralph and what he dreams of being. Good luck in the contest. Laura
Update:
The ellipsis is tricky. You've gotten it right this time. Actually, it's three spaced periods . . . (like that.) If the ellipsis occurs immediately after a sentence, place the period as usual, then put a space, then the three spaced dots. Because you don't have a full sentence here, you only need the three dot version. Confusing, huh? I checked this with my grammar handbook, so this isn't just my arbitrary rule! LOL
Good work on editing. BTW, I liked your use of italics for Ralph's thoughts. Very effective! I like your story.
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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I gotta love Ralph's personality.
to extend those coveted inside-dog moments (nice line!)
I saved the backyard from a sneaky scoundrel. (another good line)
Some spag (reason for the 4 stars. Revise and I can upgrade!)
mean "was?" (the question mark needs to go outside the quotation mark, because the question mark applies to the entire sentence and not just to the word "was." If Mom had used "was" with a question mark after it, then "was?" would be correct. Hope this makes sense.)
Yesterday (need quotation mark)
done-deal (no hyphen)
Billy needs me (need question mark)
You said... ."
(only 3 dots)
near imperceptible to all (nearly)
outta here." He pleaded (comma instead of period)
I got a good laugh out of the story, mostly because of Ralph's distinct voice. The story flows well and is appropriate for children. Good use of the phone conversation to further the plot and show the conflict between what the owners want from Ralph and what he dreams of being. Good luck in the contest. Laura
Update:
The ellipsis is tricky. You've gotten it right this time. Actually, it's three spaced periods . . . (like that.) If the ellipsis occurs immediately after a sentence, place the period as usual, then put a space, then the three spaced dots. Because you don't have a full sentence here, you only need the three dot version. Confusing, huh? I checked this with my grammar handbook, so this isn't just my arbitrary rule! LOL
Good work on editing. BTW, I liked your use of italics for Ralph's thoughts. Very effective! I like your story.
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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ALL HAS BEEN CORRECTED. I would really appreciate a second review when you have time. I do thank you for your time in reading and commenting. I have one question on the ellipse -- I thought that should be 3 dots, a space and a period. Is that not correct? Thanks again. It's ready to rechecked. ann
Comment from adewpearl
You certainly make a point - though I would say the best stories get the moral across without having a little afterword that spells out the lesson - you want to trust the story to make the point without a little sermonette tacked on to the end. I think your story does that and you can just delete those last few lines. I like Ralph's inner thoughts interspersed throughout the story though I don't think a 5 or 6 year old would necessarily get that if reading the story to himself. And if the story was being read to a little kid, the adult would probably have to explain this part - how this is the dog's inner voice in those lines. An older kid would get the narrative strategy better. Brooke
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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You certainly make a point - though I would say the best stories get the moral across without having a little afterword that spells out the lesson - you want to trust the story to make the point without a little sermonette tacked on to the end. I think your story does that and you can just delete those last few lines. I like Ralph's inner thoughts interspersed throughout the story though I don't think a 5 or 6 year old would necessarily get that if reading the story to himself. And if the story was being read to a little kid, the adult would probably have to explain this part - how this is the dog's inner voice in those lines. An older kid would get the narrative strategy better. Brooke
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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Thanks so much. You are probably right about the lesson at the end. Truth is, I added it to get my word count up!!! Part of the contest rules say only 500 words and I was in good shape. Then another area says 700 -- so I thought I would be safe by adding something. Instead I take away from the story! My granddaughter is 6 and, of course, it is a read-to-me story and she liked it BUT she's an only child, with adults maybe too much and really precocious. I'll rethink that as well.
Thanks so much, Brooke. I appreciate the direction. ann
Comment from Freeflyer
This is a sweet story with an nice ending. All children's stories should have such endings. You did well. Good luck in the competition.
Freeflyer
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reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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This is a sweet story with an nice ending. All children's stories should have such endings. You did well. Good luck in the competition.
Freeflyer
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-May-2009
reply by the author on 01-May-2009
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Thanks so much. ann
