Family Poems and Stories 2010-2017
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Power Outage"...musings on us
40 total reviews
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story. We are too used to electric power just come on when we put on a switch and we have light or the stove heard up. Islept for months after my husband died with a pillow behind my back for the illusion that he is there behind my back.
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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A very well-written story. We are too used to electric power just come on when we put on a switch and we have light or the stove heard up. Islept for months after my husband died with a pillow behind my back for the illusion that he is there behind my back.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi Sandra; thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate your thoughts and kind words of encouragement,
~patty~
Comment from hvysmker
Among other occupations, I have spent a little time as a traffic patrolman. The first few minutes of a hard rain are the most crucial and dangerous.
You see, in dry weather a road surface collects a film of oil from various traffic drippings and maybe the components of the road makeup itself. The surface also flexes with traffic, trapping much of the oily debris within itself.
When it starts to rain, the water initially spreads over the surface, above the oil. That's when the road is its slipperiest. Eventually, water being heavier than oil, it sinks into the road surface, washing the oil away or collecting it in lower surface pockets. It is often the reason for sliding into intersections when you brake for a stop sign or light.
Once rain washes most or all of the oil from a road driving is much safer. But beware of those first few minutes of a slow drizzle. They're the worst.
Oops! As you know by now, I'm long-winded. Now to the story:
It paints a very good picture. I can close my eyes and watch it unfold in my mind, like a movie. I imagine that's your purpose.
A couple of small points, strictly my own interpretation. Too many lazy "the"s especially in the opening. For instance:
"Within seconds of the onslaught of rain, the car crashed into the pole. Sparks flew as the lines came down." I would have expanded the "the"s to:
"Within seconds of the onslaught of rain, the car crashed into a utility pole. Sparks flew as local power and telephone lines came down." Also, a small inconsistency, to my thinking, of such a panic while looking for a flashlight during daylight conditions. Why not simply open those drapes first? Otherwise an excellent story without any grammar errors that I noticed.
That said, here I go again, he-he. I happened to be on the island of Oahu in Hawaii when we had the first islandwide power outage since WWII, forty years before.
There was no panic. It was during the afternoon and lasted for four days. I was in better shape than most, in that I was half prepared. I had plenty of batteries and a battery radio. I also had plenty of canned goods and a fat cat to eat if it lasted too long. No. It never got to that stage, he-he. The cat was safe.
A funny thing but the newspaper later reported far fewer traffic problems during the blackout. More domestic violence and drinking problems, though, since most businesses were closed for the duration.
The Civil Defense radio station was off the air because it depended on the electrical grid. The only station I could get on the radio was there simply because it happened to be in a building with a diesel generator. I don't recall any hospital problems because I wasn't interested.
It did show me the dangers of the huge electrical grid we have here in the US and Canada. It did go down for a day or so in the NorthEastern US and parts of Canada once because of one component in Ohio failing. Imagine a terrorist simultaneously blowing up a few key tiny installations in rural areas? You better make damned sure you know where to find that flashlight.
Charlie
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Among other occupations, I have spent a little time as a traffic patrolman. The first few minutes of a hard rain are the most crucial and dangerous.
You see, in dry weather a road surface collects a film of oil from various traffic drippings and maybe the components of the road makeup itself. The surface also flexes with traffic, trapping much of the oily debris within itself.
When it starts to rain, the water initially spreads over the surface, above the oil. That's when the road is its slipperiest. Eventually, water being heavier than oil, it sinks into the road surface, washing the oil away or collecting it in lower surface pockets. It is often the reason for sliding into intersections when you brake for a stop sign or light.
Once rain washes most or all of the oil from a road driving is much safer. But beware of those first few minutes of a slow drizzle. They're the worst.
Oops! As you know by now, I'm long-winded. Now to the story:
It paints a very good picture. I can close my eyes and watch it unfold in my mind, like a movie. I imagine that's your purpose.
A couple of small points, strictly my own interpretation. Too many lazy "the"s especially in the opening. For instance:
"Within seconds of the onslaught of rain, the car crashed into the pole. Sparks flew as the lines came down." I would have expanded the "the"s to:
"Within seconds of the onslaught of rain, the car crashed into a utility pole. Sparks flew as local power and telephone lines came down." Also, a small inconsistency, to my thinking, of such a panic while looking for a flashlight during daylight conditions. Why not simply open those drapes first? Otherwise an excellent story without any grammar errors that I noticed.
That said, here I go again, he-he. I happened to be on the island of Oahu in Hawaii when we had the first islandwide power outage since WWII, forty years before.
There was no panic. It was during the afternoon and lasted for four days. I was in better shape than most, in that I was half prepared. I had plenty of batteries and a battery radio. I also had plenty of canned goods and a fat cat to eat if it lasted too long. No. It never got to that stage, he-he. The cat was safe.
A funny thing but the newspaper later reported far fewer traffic problems during the blackout. More domestic violence and drinking problems, though, since most businesses were closed for the duration.
The Civil Defense radio station was off the air because it depended on the electrical grid. The only station I could get on the radio was there simply because it happened to be in a building with a diesel generator. I don't recall any hospital problems because I wasn't interested.
It did show me the dangers of the huge electrical grid we have here in the US and Canada. It did go down for a day or so in the NorthEastern US and parts of Canada once because of one component in Ohio failing. Imagine a terrorist simultaneously blowing up a few key tiny installations in rural areas? You better make damned sure you know where to find that flashlight.
Charlie
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi Charlie; thank you for such a concise and thoughtful review. I didn't mind your rambling - I found it fascinating. I like your rewrite of the opening paragraphs.
I will go in and make some edits with the ideas you gave me,
~patty~
Comment from His Grayness
Wow! how totally delightful reading this lovely story. It captures the reader very early with the opening lines and then holds tight all the way through with grand expectations that something really good is going to happen! And alas! lot's of good things happen and some that I think were probably eliminated from the writing for sake of personal privacy! whooo hoooo!!! bet it was fun1!! Was for me! HIS GRAYNESS: Vance...that Mustang is such a cutie!!
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Wow! how totally delightful reading this lovely story. It captures the reader very early with the opening lines and then holds tight all the way through with grand expectations that something really good is going to happen! And alas! lot's of good things happen and some that I think were probably eliminated from the writing for sake of personal privacy! whooo hoooo!!! bet it was fun1!! Was for me! HIS GRAYNESS: Vance...that Mustang is such a cutie!!
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi Vance; thank you so much for the lovely review. The six star rating gives me a great deal of joy. I'm so glad you enjoyed the story,
~patty~
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My joy indeed...lot's of fun..keep up the great work! Vance
Comment from rtobaygo
Good afternoon, Patty
Smooth flow and pace. You easily conveyed the feelings and emotions of both characters as well as the images of a dark house (especially with the candles). Enjoyed.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Good afternoon, Patty
Smooth flow and pace. You easily conveyed the feelings and emotions of both characters as well as the images of a dark house (especially with the candles). Enjoyed.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi Ray; thank you for the warm review. I am glad you found the piece enjoyable.
~patty~
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is very good. You excel at many different styles of writing. Kind of like a one-stop shopping author. You're very talented and write well no matter what the subject matter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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This is very good. You excel at many different styles of writing. Kind of like a one-stop shopping author. You're very talented and write well no matter what the subject matter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from Ulla
Hi Patty, very good story and you certainly had the romance in there. She was still suffering from the car accident.
My phone has music and its wireless =it's wireless
I enjoyed reading. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi Patty, very good story and you certainly had the romance in there. She was still suffering from the car accident.
My phone has music and its wireless =it's wireless
I enjoyed reading. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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thank you for reading and reviewing
~patty~
Comment from LaRosa
Your intro idea of an accident on a rainy, horribly cloudy, day was interesting and set the tone of the story to follow.
It's amazing that one person's tragedy can affect the lives of so many unseen others.
Our personal fears can seems overwhelming until we discover what others deal with.
I imagine the girl, who is afraid of the dark and storms, would barely even think about the daily news report of an accident that caused her power shortage.
Aren't we all the same.
You set a stage that explored not only fear but the courage to deal with it, to 'handle' and get through it. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Your intro idea of an accident on a rainy, horribly cloudy, day was interesting and set the tone of the story to follow.
It's amazing that one person's tragedy can affect the lives of so many unseen others.
Our personal fears can seems overwhelming until we discover what others deal with.
I imagine the girl, who is afraid of the dark and storms, would barely even think about the daily news report of an accident that caused her power shortage.
Aren't we all the same.
You set a stage that explored not only fear but the courage to deal with it, to 'handle' and get through it. Well done.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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thank you so much for the lovely review. I appreciate your warm comments,
~patty~
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Patty,
it may just be my screen but I found the starting font colour difficult to read. It tended to bleed into the white, not enough contrast. it happen with the weaker colour set.
Always look for option to limit or eliminate passiveness like was/were. Take here for example - Dark clouds rolled in and visibility was limited. - a simple rearrangement to 'Dark clouds rolled in, limiting visibility.' You can negate the need for the passive and the conjunctive. Streamlining like this can have an immense impact on the pacing of a piece. Also, bear these in mind when entering competitions with word counts.
My phone has music and its wireless - it's.
Wishing she hadn't hung such dark curtains, she longed for a shaft of light. There wasn't much in the darkened sky, but it would be better than the complete darkness which caused her to use her hands to find each drawer. - coupled with - She sat in the darkness and waited for the afternoon to be over. seemed odd to me. I get the storm but it's unlikely to be that dark, and she could have opened her curtains which are suspiciously closed in the afternoon? While she's vacuuming?
eased the voices in her head. - okay this might explain it, but maybe this should be introduced earlier as it isn't entirely plausible until this point.
I get the overall theme here, although you don't really need the whole car accident thing at the start, it's a bit of a red herring. It sets a particular tone and then dispenses with it.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi Patty,
it may just be my screen but I found the starting font colour difficult to read. It tended to bleed into the white, not enough contrast. it happen with the weaker colour set.
Always look for option to limit or eliminate passiveness like was/were. Take here for example - Dark clouds rolled in and visibility was limited. - a simple rearrangement to 'Dark clouds rolled in, limiting visibility.' You can negate the need for the passive and the conjunctive. Streamlining like this can have an immense impact on the pacing of a piece. Also, bear these in mind when entering competitions with word counts.
My phone has music and its wireless - it's.
Wishing she hadn't hung such dark curtains, she longed for a shaft of light. There wasn't much in the darkened sky, but it would be better than the complete darkness which caused her to use her hands to find each drawer. - coupled with - She sat in the darkness and waited for the afternoon to be over. seemed odd to me. I get the storm but it's unlikely to be that dark, and she could have opened her curtains which are suspiciously closed in the afternoon? While she's vacuuming?
eased the voices in her head. - okay this might explain it, but maybe this should be introduced earlier as it isn't entirely plausible until this point.
I get the overall theme here, although you don't really need the whole car accident thing at the start, it's a bit of a red herring. It sets a particular tone and then dispenses with it.
All the best
G
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi G; thank you, as always, for your thorough and thoughtful review. I will ponder your suggestions and go back and massage the story a bit. (It isn't always easy for me to move between my comfort zones.)
Thank you for dropping by. I always enjoy your review,
~patty~
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It's never easy to step outside the familiar. Sometimes your style wavers, and getting the tone is difficult. Genre work is very hard indeed to flip between. I sometimes think people don't appreciate how different non-fiction and fiction actually are. It can be like the differences between haiku and sonnets...
Comment from nancy_e_davis
This is a very enjoyable story Patty. You have great imagery in it with suspense and humor, even romance! Who could ask for more I ask? Well done fear. Nancy
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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This is a very enjoyable story Patty. You have great imagery in it with suspense and humor, even romance! Who could ask for more I ask? Well done fear. Nancy
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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Hi Nancy; thank you so much for your warm review. I am glad you enjoyed the story,
~patty~
Comment from Heather Knight
This is such a comfortable, cosy read. I love the story you've created and the way you've depicted your characters.
Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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This is such a comfortable, cosy read. I love the story you've created and the way you've depicted your characters.
Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-May-2017
reply by the author on 26-May-2017
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thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I'm thrilled by the words, 'comfortable, cosy read.' I greatly appreciate your warm review,
~patty~
