Family Poems and Stories 2010-2017
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "The Bar Stool"...musings on us
57 total reviews
Comment from Sis Cat
Oh, no. A gun! I was about to say that your story reminded me of my parents' battle over child visitation, but they never went that far. Story of an ex-husband drinking his blues away, wishing to see his kids riveted me:
Downing the beer in one long gulp, he had his resolve. He would go and see his kids. No one would stop him. He needed to hear their laughter. Staggering from the stool, he went to retrieve his coat.
The cliffhanger ending was a shocker and made me think he will kill his ex, his kids, himself, or any combination of the three. This is riveting, tight writing. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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Oh, no. A gun! I was about to say that your story reminded me of my parents' battle over child visitation, but they never went that far. Story of an ex-husband drinking his blues away, wishing to see his kids riveted me:
Downing the beer in one long gulp, he had his resolve. He would go and see his kids. No one would stop him. He needed to hear their laughter. Staggering from the stool, he went to retrieve his coat.
The cliffhanger ending was a shocker and made me think he will kill his ex, his kids, himself, or any combination of the three. This is riveting, tight writing. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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Hi ,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
Comment from kahpot
Wow what an excellent read it must have been terrible living with that thought I am glad you have a new phase in your life thank you for sharing and good luck****kahpot
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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Wow what an excellent read it must have been terrible living with that thought I am glad you have a new phase in your life thank you for sharing and good luck****kahpot
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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Hi ,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Patty. Very good job on this story. Very dramatic and superb ending. It was written with a good narrative voice, however it does need some polish, I believe.
Suggestions: Rewrite this: " Swiveling back to his glass of beer, he squinted at the amber liquid barely covering the bottom. Try, "He turned back and squinted at the small amount of amber liquid remaining in his glass.
And here: "He couldn't remember how many beers he'd had, or how long he sat at the bar. Glancing at the dwindling pile of bills sitting in front of him, he calculated it must have been quite some time. He was still thirsty. Try. He couldn't remember how many beers he'd had but he realized his money was dwindling and therefore calculated thoughts of leaving.
And: " No amount of beers could heal the aching in his heart. (No amount of beer could soothe his aching heart.
Also, don't switch tenses like you did here: "She would put up a fight, and his response was to hit and punch. ("She would put up a fight and his usual response would be to throw punches.")
And try this: "Hefting its heavy weight, he slid into it and rolled up the collar. Slipping his hand into a pocket his fingers felt the cold hard steel of the .45 caliber pistol and he realized he would see his kids one last time.
I hope these things help.
Blessings, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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Hi, Patty. Very good job on this story. Very dramatic and superb ending. It was written with a good narrative voice, however it does need some polish, I believe.
Suggestions: Rewrite this: " Swiveling back to his glass of beer, he squinted at the amber liquid barely covering the bottom. Try, "He turned back and squinted at the small amount of amber liquid remaining in his glass.
And here: "He couldn't remember how many beers he'd had, or how long he sat at the bar. Glancing at the dwindling pile of bills sitting in front of him, he calculated it must have been quite some time. He was still thirsty. Try. He couldn't remember how many beers he'd had but he realized his money was dwindling and therefore calculated thoughts of leaving.
And: " No amount of beers could heal the aching in his heart. (No amount of beer could soothe his aching heart.
Also, don't switch tenses like you did here: "She would put up a fight, and his response was to hit and punch. ("She would put up a fight and his usual response would be to throw punches.")
And try this: "Hefting its heavy weight, he slid into it and rolled up the collar. Slipping his hand into a pocket his fingers felt the cold hard steel of the .45 caliber pistol and he realized he would see his kids one last time.
I hope these things help.
Blessings, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2017
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Hi Bob,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece. Thank you for your well thought out suggestions, I will work on them in the morning.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
Comment from fafa
It has a very particular way of writing, with a definition much marked with the paragraphs that do the soft and fluid reading, I congratulate him on it and thanks for sharing its writings with us, greetings
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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It has a very particular way of writing, with a definition much marked with the paragraphs that do the soft and fluid reading, I congratulate him on it and thanks for sharing its writings with us, greetings
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Hi ,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
Comment from Rhonni
Wow, this is great writing. I can relate...my father was a drunk and mother wouldn't let him come visit often. She didn't want to expose us kids to his shenanigans; he wasn't much of a father. Your character here sounds like an abusive sort...scary. Sad how alcohol ruins lives...
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Wow, this is great writing. I can relate...my father was a drunk and mother wouldn't let him come visit often. She didn't want to expose us kids to his shenanigans; he wasn't much of a father. Your character here sounds like an abusive sort...scary. Sad how alcohol ruins lives...
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Hi ,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, my friend,
This story is realistic. A very determined man that wanted to see his children, but probably not the best thing. I am sorry to hear about your father.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Hello, my friend,
This story is realistic. A very determined man that wanted to see his children, but probably not the best thing. I am sorry to hear about your father.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Hi Gypsy,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece. It was hard to write, and I purposely told it from his point of view. I like to think he truly wanted to see us,
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Mustangpatty1029
Well you know how to bring out emotions of the father desired to see his children ,ten showing us the fear of him back to visit them,
with what a call a very freighting situation.
Gert
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Hello Mustangpatty1029
Well you know how to bring out emotions of the father desired to see his children ,ten showing us the fear of him back to visit them,
with what a call a very freighting situation.
Gert
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Hi Gert,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
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Smiles you are welcome patty
Gert
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Scary, well written story. I can see why his family would fear him. He knew why, too. He knew he was a drunk, but he could not seem to stop drinking. Alcohol was more important than his children. A story that's repeated over and over in the real world, sadly.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Scary, well written story. I can see why his family would fear him. He knew why, too. He knew he was a drunk, but he could not seem to stop drinking. Alcohol was more important than his children. A story that's repeated over and over in the real world, sadly.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Hi Phyllis,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
Comment from jusylee72
Interesting, your description and wondering if he would come to hurt you. Yet you portray him as truly wanting to see you which he probably did. Is there more to this story was he violent. and that was why you were afraid. I find it interesting that you told this from his view.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Interesting, your description and wondering if he would come to hurt you. Yet you portray him as truly wanting to see you which he probably did. Is there more to this story was he violent. and that was why you were afraid. I find it interesting that you told this from his view.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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I use a great deal of imagination in this piece. He did love us in his own way - he just loved to drink more. He was very violent and put my mother and my brother in the hospital more than once. I was little and was often kicked away. My early childhood memories are the stuff of nightmares,
~patty~
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Thank you for telling me. It gives me more insight into your writing. This is why we write, so that we can learn about ourselves.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written living with this fear must have been hard for you alcohol destroys many lives. I enjoyed your story with very good clear imagery I wondered where this was leading to well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
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Yes this is well written living with this fear must have been hard for you alcohol destroys many lives. I enjoyed your story with very good clear imagery I wondered where this was leading to well done regards Jill
Comment Written 12-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2017
Thank you so much for stopping by to read and review. I always appreciate your time and continuous support of my work. I am pleased you enjoyed this piece.
Hope you have a great day,
~patty~😀
