What are the Odds
Two women meet at a bar55 total reviews
Comment from robina1978
Excellent photo that complements your story perfectly. You used the subject so well. Two woman that don't know each other but a guy tries to chat them up. He kind of fails but they start talking. Nice story. Best wishes for the prompt.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Excellent photo that complements your story perfectly. You used the subject so well. Two woman that don't know each other but a guy tries to chat them up. He kind of fails but they start talking. Nice story. Best wishes for the prompt.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Michaelk
Your story piqued my interest and I followed along to see what would happen. Unfortunately, I guessed the ending a out halfway through. You did a good setup, but the infidelity theme between two women at a bar is nothing new.
I was also getting a bit overwhelmed by the names. Once Tom was out of the picture, you didn't need to tag Nancy and Patti every time. The conversation suffered because of it. Throwing the names out once in a while would make things go smoother. The twist at the end was nicely done. It was subtle enough but got the point across.
Overall a good story that could be a little better.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Your story piqued my interest and I followed along to see what would happen. Unfortunately, I guessed the ending a out halfway through. You did a good setup, but the infidelity theme between two women at a bar is nothing new.
I was also getting a bit overwhelmed by the names. Once Tom was out of the picture, you didn't need to tag Nancy and Patti every time. The conversation suffered because of it. Throwing the names out once in a while would make things go smoother. The twist at the end was nicely done. It was subtle enough but got the point across.
Overall a good story that could be a little better.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Thank you for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, generous review, and suggestions are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Lesley Collier
An interesting of two woman who meet up at a bar both having troubles with the men in their life but trying to hold it together. The bartender introduces them and the get into a conversation about men and children sharing their secrets with the married one giving advice to the other. Before they part the married woman gives the other woman her phone number in case she needs advice before realizing she knows her husband. Well written and sadly disturbing with a unexpected twist at the end!
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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An interesting of two woman who meet up at a bar both having troubles with the men in their life but trying to hold it together. The bartender introduces them and the get into a conversation about men and children sharing their secrets with the married one giving advice to the other. Before they part the married woman gives the other woman her phone number in case she needs advice before realizing she knows her husband. Well written and sadly disturbing with a unexpected twist at the end!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. It is a sad story, and one that happens way too often, altering the lives of everyone involved, adults and children. :-)
Comment from Gloria ....
Author, I love the set up. There isn't anything like a couple of cool ones on a sweltering day.
I got a charge out of the bartender twirling the shaker like a top on the end of his fingers. That nicely alluded to Cocktail, with Tom Cruise.
Your pacing is terrific as you can see a nice build up to the conclusion, which is how a good story is constructed.
Ha, it sounds Patti has the best deal at the moment.
But, by the sounds of it, Nancy is done because she said once she learned about her philandering BF, it's over.
Well played. Best wishes to you in the contest.
Gloria
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Author, I love the set up. There isn't anything like a couple of cool ones on a sweltering day.
I got a charge out of the bartender twirling the shaker like a top on the end of his fingers. That nicely alluded to Cocktail, with Tom Cruise.
Your pacing is terrific as you can see a nice build up to the conclusion, which is how a good story is constructed.
Ha, it sounds Patti has the best deal at the moment.
But, by the sounds of it, Nancy is done because she said once she learned about her philandering BF, it's over.
Well played. Best wishes to you in the contest.
Gloria
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and the extremely generous review is greatly appreciated. Normally not a competitor in contests or prompts, I thought this subject might be a good one to work on my dialog, since I hadn't written in a while. I'm sure I'll need a miracle as far as the voting goes, but with the nice review and best wishes, I'm a winner already. :-)
Comment from Fridayauthor
Interesting story with a nice ending twist.
I found the over use of names distracting. . . Nancy 19, Patti 15 times. In two way conversation, it's not as necessary to identify the speaker as it is most often obvious.
...couple minutes before choosing (Two or more minutes is actually a very long time.)
...a moment before choosing
Thank you!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Interesting story with a nice ending twist.
I found the over use of names distracting. . . Nancy 19, Patti 15 times. In two way conversation, it's not as necessary to identify the speaker as it is most often obvious.
...couple minutes before choosing (Two or more minutes is actually a very long time.)
...a moment before choosing
Thank you!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your generous review and suggestions are greatly appreciated. The "moment" is change Ill make immediately. As for the over use of names, I agree there are a lot, but unfortunately, this is a three way conversation for the most part, and I still have people suggesting that I add more tag to make it clearer. Yes, I agree with you, but it's always hard to suit everyone's tastes. LOL Thanks again.
Comment from barkingdog
I kind of thought that this was where it was going. Now, they can both go after dear Bobby.
You set the seen up perfectly. The bartender swaying his hips to the beat was a realistic touch.
Smooth flowing dialogue, too.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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I kind of thought that this was where it was going. Now, they can both go after dear Bobby.
You set the seen up perfectly. The bartender swaying his hips to the beat was a realistic touch.
Smooth flowing dialogue, too.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from sibhus
A well written entry for the prompt. It has a very good flow and the dialogue seems very natural. This could happen so easily, and you characters seemed like real people. Again, a good piece, and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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A well written entry for the prompt. It has a very good flow and the dialogue seems very natural. This could happen so easily, and you characters seemed like real people. Again, a good piece, and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was a good idea, with a great ending (but see below). But I found the dialogue very stilted. Everyone was being far too formal and polite -- they're in a bar.
'Patti might even make herself believe it.' (Delete the paragraph break after this because what follows is still Patti speaking).
(I think the final paragraph which starts with 'As the old saying goes, you could have heard a pin drop' should be deleted. The explanation is not needed, and having 'No, Nancy, I don't . . . just a husband.' as the last line makes it a fire-cracker of an ending {especially if you put quote marks round it!}).
Adrian
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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I thought this was a good idea, with a great ending (but see below). But I found the dialogue very stilted. Everyone was being far too formal and polite -- they're in a bar.
'Patti might even make herself believe it.' (Delete the paragraph break after this because what follows is still Patti speaking).
(I think the final paragraph which starts with 'As the old saying goes, you could have heard a pin drop' should be deleted. The explanation is not needed, and having 'No, Nancy, I don't . . . just a husband.' as the last line makes it a fire-cracker of an ending {especially if you put quote marks round it!}).
Adrian
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read and review my post. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated and I'm in the process of making some changes. :-)
Comment from Linda Kay
This story was very easy to read and the dialogue moved at a good pace. You did a good job narrating and providing a setting with the bartender to allow the women's conversation to seem natural. I predicted the ending early on (not necessarily a bad thing), then as I read, I thought "No, that does not seem like that is where this is going." So it was a surprise ending after all.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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This story was very easy to read and the dialogue moved at a good pace. You did a good job narrating and providing a setting with the bartender to allow the women's conversation to seem natural. I predicted the ending early on (not necessarily a bad thing), then as I read, I thought "No, that does not seem like that is where this is going." So it was a surprise ending after all.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read and review my post. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from thee-name
Excellent story. Liked reading your story.
A sweltering-hot afternoon, Nancy decided to stop working for the day as she wheeled into the parking lot at Sweeney's on the Green and headed to the bar for some libations.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Excellent story. Liked reading your story.
A sweltering-hot afternoon, Nancy decided to stop working for the day as she wheeled into the parking lot at Sweeney's on the Green and headed to the bar for some libations.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
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thank you!
