Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 65 "part one, Chapter 20"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
71 total reviews
Comment from Auroraboreal800
This is an other wonderful chapter, very well written and very dramatic in many ways... I'm so glad about Bobby's selling Anna's car. Now he is in the right place for him.
Loved the picture!
Many blessing for you Barbara,
:)
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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This is an other wonderful chapter, very well written and very dramatic in many ways... I'm so glad about Bobby's selling Anna's car. Now he is in the right place for him.
Loved the picture!
Many blessing for you Barbara,
:)
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bookishfabler
Oh how sweet, that last line is. Like cotton candy at a carnival. LOL. Another wonderful chapter of which I have no nits or spags to point out. Enjoying your book.
lots of hugs
Heidi
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Oh how sweet, that last line is. Like cotton candy at a carnival. LOL. Another wonderful chapter of which I have no nits or spags to point out. Enjoying your book.
lots of hugs
Heidi
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Taurean Monkey
Hi, I enjoyed reading your excerpt - I recognise the characters, so I think I've read an earlier piece. There are a couple of comments I've made below, which I hope you don't mind me sharing. Your work reads absolutely fine as it is, I think my comments are more of a stylistic feature thing (and it's your work, not mine!).
I'd change the syntactic order of the following, making it more active and less passive (if that's the right terminology).
"Almost two hours ago, there was a code blue in the recovery room."
"There was a code blue in the recovery room, almost two hours ago"
"We don't know if it involved Anna. Troy, sit." (reads to me like a command, a bit like when I address my dogs by name first, then instruct them what to do)
"We don't know if it involved Anna, Troy. Sit."
[It's] even set up to remove cars' VIN numbers so all parts [could] be sold.
I read that contraction as 'It is' or 'It has', so I read 'could' as 'can' - making it present tense.
I want to read It was even... making the sentence read in the past tense to agree with the use of the word 'could'.
"My guess." Everett paused. - should there be a comma, not a full stop after My guess...? Everett pauses and then continues to speak.
You know the type gardeners use for protection." - does this require a '?' or not? I'm not sure.
I don't know what "and an illegal still" means, but that's probably a cultural difference.
I'm no expert by any means, it's just how it reads to me (sorry). I really enjoyed the extract. Thanks for sharing your story. Kind regards TMonkey
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Hi, I enjoyed reading your excerpt - I recognise the characters, so I think I've read an earlier piece. There are a couple of comments I've made below, which I hope you don't mind me sharing. Your work reads absolutely fine as it is, I think my comments are more of a stylistic feature thing (and it's your work, not mine!).
I'd change the syntactic order of the following, making it more active and less passive (if that's the right terminology).
"Almost two hours ago, there was a code blue in the recovery room."
"There was a code blue in the recovery room, almost two hours ago"
"We don't know if it involved Anna. Troy, sit." (reads to me like a command, a bit like when I address my dogs by name first, then instruct them what to do)
"We don't know if it involved Anna, Troy. Sit."
[It's] even set up to remove cars' VIN numbers so all parts [could] be sold.
I read that contraction as 'It is' or 'It has', so I read 'could' as 'can' - making it present tense.
I want to read It was even... making the sentence read in the past tense to agree with the use of the word 'could'.
"My guess." Everett paused. - should there be a comma, not a full stop after My guess...? Everett pauses and then continues to speak.
You know the type gardeners use for protection." - does this require a '?' or not? I'm not sure.
I don't know what "and an illegal still" means, but that's probably a cultural difference.
I'm no expert by any means, it's just how it reads to me (sorry). I really enjoyed the extract. Thanks for sharing your story. Kind regards TMonkey
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for your eagle eye and I will check each area out.
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Hi Barbara, you're welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read my review. Best wishes, TMonkey
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
What a sad turn of events, but too often it does happen this way. I hope she will be ok and that bastard will spend the rest of his days in the department of corrections, however with good time etc, it never seems to work this way~Debbie
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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What a sad turn of events, but too often it does happen this way. I hope she will be ok and that bastard will spend the rest of his days in the department of corrections, however with good time etc, it never seems to work this way~Debbie
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from The Stranger
the all too common problem arises here, where the abused have to rekindle their trust in society in hope that history will not repeat
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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the all too common problem arises here, where the abused have to rekindle their trust in society in hope that history will not repeat
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow! At least she is still alive and Troy has new told her he loves her the plot thickens further. Excellent part in a very good chapter here Barbara.
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Wow! At least she is still alive and Troy has new told her he loves her the plot thickens further. Excellent part in a very good chapter here Barbara.
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Lucyliv
Wonderful story and wonderfully written. You did an amazing job at putting the reader in the story. Great suspense! You did an amazing job with this!
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Wonderful story and wonderfully written. You did an amazing job at putting the reader in the story. Great suspense! You did an amazing job with this!
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from amada
For sure I am glad that Anna wasn't the one with the code blue. She has enough trouble already. But she has Troy's love, that's the main thing.
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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For sure I am glad that Anna wasn't the one with the code blue. She has enough trouble already. But she has Troy's love, that's the main thing.
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from dbmccarter
At last things are looking up. I thought maybe this would be the last chapter. This was very tense and you wrote it very well. Can't wait for more. I have a cat perched on the back of my chair.
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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At last things are looking up. I thought maybe this would be the last chapter. This was very tense and you wrote it very well. Can't wait for more. I have a cat perched on the back of my chair.
Comment Written 07-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tonulak
I liked the drama effected by the wait, it's always excruciating. An interesting here, Anna could be introuble if she was on the title of the land. It could be some potential conflict here. I enjoyed this piece and all the rest I've read--Ted
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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I liked the drama effected by the wait, it's always excruciating. An interesting here, Anna could be introuble if she was on the title of the land. It could be some potential conflict here. I enjoyed this piece and all the rest I've read--Ted
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 07-May-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
