Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 45 "Chapter 13, part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
69 total reviews
Comment from bookishfabler
. He needed time to think, he went inside a small cafe and ordered a cup of coffee.
(either make this two sentences, or use a conjunction such as and instead of he)
A lady fitting the description Mr. Albright gave me (,) and calling herself Leya Albright(,) entered the women's shelter a few hours ago.
She swallowed hard, when she saw Steven sitting on the small bed attached to the wall of the drab cell.(This one doesn't need the comma)
okay, that out of the way, I would think after Steven was released, the reaction would be to embrase. Is she that confused?
I agreat chapter though quick, but that's okay. I await the next.
hugs
book
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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. He needed time to think, he went inside a small cafe and ordered a cup of coffee.
(either make this two sentences, or use a conjunction such as and instead of he)
A lady fitting the description Mr. Albright gave me (,) and calling herself Leya Albright(,) entered the women's shelter a few hours ago.
She swallowed hard, when she saw Steven sitting on the small bed attached to the wall of the drab cell.(This one doesn't need the comma)
okay, that out of the way, I would think after Steven was released, the reaction would be to embrase. Is she that confused?
I agreat chapter though quick, but that's okay. I await the next.
hugs
book
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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I have inserted and taken out those little pesky comma's for two days now! Have I mentioned I hate commas?(LOL) I really do hate comma's though, I wish somebody would come up with a set rule, I promise I would follow it. Thank you for your kind review. I really do appreciate the support.
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to be completely honest, my friend. I hate them too. I also have issues with them, but for some reason, I can see them in other's work and not my own. as with many things. I will read my stuff over and over and never see it, until, (Usually Norma, shows them to me. and I'm like where the hell did that come from? Just thought I'd lend a hand. Love your story
hugs
Heidi
Comment from c_lucas
It is surprising how someone can be misunderstood in ordinary conversation. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Very good job.
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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It is surprising how someone can be misunderstood in ordinary conversation. This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Very good job.
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and the stars. I have had quite a few 4's on this post so a 6 is very much appreciated.
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You're welcome, Barbara. Charlie
Comment from Lou67
This is very well written . It is well presented and easy to follow. It flows naturally. Your opening paragraph captures the readers interest.
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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This is very well written . It is well presented and easy to follow. It flows naturally. Your opening paragraph captures the readers interest.
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Can't that woman ever keep out of trouble. Worse still, she constantly puts Steven in the firing line too.
Her personality seems to bounce between being an absolute air-head, and a vulnerable alluring woman.
Juliette
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Can't that woman ever keep out of trouble. Worse still, she constantly puts Steven in the firing line too.
Her personality seems to bounce between being an absolute air-head, and a vulnerable alluring woman.
Juliette
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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I think you are very correct. Leya has some issues. Thank you for your review.
Comment from ladybird
An enjoyable chapter, but I'm a little lost. The last chapter ended with Leya shooting her father. What has happened in the time between that and Leya checking into a shelter. I find it hard as well that Leya is only concerned about what Steven will think of her for being locked up. Surely she would have had some thoughts on what had taken place, and where it would leave her, legally at least. A well written chapter but a big jump from previous events.
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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An enjoyable chapter, but I'm a little lost. The last chapter ended with Leya shooting her father. What has happened in the time between that and Leya checking into a shelter. I find it hard as well that Leya is only concerned about what Steven will think of her for being locked up. Surely she would have had some thoughts on what had taken place, and where it would leave her, legally at least. A well written chapter but a big jump from previous events.
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Leya ran from the cabin after she shot her father and tried to find a place to stay. Steven told us that, but she didn't have the money for a hotel so went to the shelter. She is very afraid of her family, even more so now that she killed Hector, the leader of the drug cartel. Being his daughter she is well aware of how these things can be covered up and Matt assured her that civillian law enforcement will only mess things up. Thank you for your review.
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You're welcome.Thank you for the update, I must have misread it somewhere along the line.
Comment from Peter Burger
For what it is, it's a five-star story. Very conventional format, which isn't my thing, but you do it well. I'd have liked to see a more abract presentation with more vivid description. Use the cop to dramatize the twist in the conversation between him and the character, maybe make the cop a real jerk. Maybe when the male protagonist is describing the girl at the hotel, the clerk could say something like "Oh yeah, she's a looker. I wouldn't forget seein' a broad like that". Also, the main male character doesn't really seem very upset about what happened. He just goes to a cafe and gets a cup of coffee. See how that shows she's very attractive and adds a touch of personality to the hotel clerk using just a few more words. Also, the main male character doesn't really seem very upset about what happened. He just goes to a cafe and gets a cup of coffee. I just think all of these events and characters could be intensified.
There is a lot going on here that could be expanded upon. I've not read the previous chapters; perhaps that's not the style you're going for. Dramatic events could be draw out to add more suspense. You're very direct, but for me, it doesn't really work as well as the technique of building questions in the reader's mind to spur them on. This could be done with more show and less tell.
Just some ideas to play around with, I know it's difficult and laborious to switch writing styles in the middle of a novel, but maybe you could experiment with some of my ideas in future works/writing exercises.
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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For what it is, it's a five-star story. Very conventional format, which isn't my thing, but you do it well. I'd have liked to see a more abract presentation with more vivid description. Use the cop to dramatize the twist in the conversation between him and the character, maybe make the cop a real jerk. Maybe when the male protagonist is describing the girl at the hotel, the clerk could say something like "Oh yeah, she's a looker. I wouldn't forget seein' a broad like that". Also, the main male character doesn't really seem very upset about what happened. He just goes to a cafe and gets a cup of coffee. See how that shows she's very attractive and adds a touch of personality to the hotel clerk using just a few more words. Also, the main male character doesn't really seem very upset about what happened. He just goes to a cafe and gets a cup of coffee. I just think all of these events and characters could be intensified.
There is a lot going on here that could be expanded upon. I've not read the previous chapters; perhaps that's not the style you're going for. Dramatic events could be draw out to add more suspense. You're very direct, but for me, it doesn't really work as well as the technique of building questions in the reader's mind to spur them on. This could be done with more show and less tell.
Just some ideas to play around with, I know it's difficult and laborious to switch writing styles in the middle of a novel, but maybe you could experiment with some of my ideas in future works/writing exercises.
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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My fans like my crisp sharp style, but I understand it's not for everybody. Also this is a romance novel and anything that doesn't move the romance along is only a side issue and detail isn't necessary. That being said thank you for your review.
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I didn't know that. I learned something, thanks
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear---good chapter. Poor Steven spending a night in jail but looking at Leya with love the next day from within his cell is very endearing. Good dialog, plot development, chacacter development and flow.
Some spag nits--
*The tall lanky man sat beside Steven and started a conversation. (no line break)
"Howdy. You're new around here."
*weighs about 105 pounds, long, black, curly hair, and large, dark brown eyes, almost black."
this does not need quite so many commas. You can use a string of adjectives without commas if the flow is good. I suggest--
weighs about 105 pounds, long black curly hair, and large dark brown eyes, almost black."
*A lady fitting the description Mr. Albright gave me(,) and calling herself Leya Albright(,) entered the women's shelter a few hours ago.
*"The report I have states she said her family(,) and he's part of her family."
*"Steven's been arrest(ed)?" Leya inserted.
*The sheriff nodded toward Steven,(no ,) but asked Leya,
A good chapter.
Warm Regards,
rd
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Hi dear---good chapter. Poor Steven spending a night in jail but looking at Leya with love the next day from within his cell is very endearing. Good dialog, plot development, chacacter development and flow.
Some spag nits--
*The tall lanky man sat beside Steven and started a conversation. (no line break)
"Howdy. You're new around here."
*weighs about 105 pounds, long, black, curly hair, and large, dark brown eyes, almost black."
this does not need quite so many commas. You can use a string of adjectives without commas if the flow is good. I suggest--
weighs about 105 pounds, long black curly hair, and large dark brown eyes, almost black."
*A lady fitting the description Mr. Albright gave me(,) and calling herself Leya Albright(,) entered the women's shelter a few hours ago.
*"The report I have states she said her family(,) and he's part of her family."
*"Steven's been arrest(ed)?" Leya inserted.
*The sheriff nodded toward Steven,(no ,) but asked Leya,
A good chapter.
Warm Regards,
rd
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Some of those commas I was told to put in. I didn't orginally have them. Oh dear, what do to with commas. I have a feeling many of them are a personal perference and not really a rule. Thank you for your review.
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Yes, many commas are optional, though some are also simply incorrect. It is hard to judge, but my personal POV on this subject is to use commas when the sentence is not smooth and easy to read without them. otherwise, if they are not mandatory, I prefer to omit as too many commas clutters the work and makes the flow choppy. Just my two cents.
:)
Warmly,rd
Comment from Mariea
Hello Barbara, another good smoothly written chapter. Good editing without any clutter or spags. Characters and dialogue consistent and the story still develops well as it progresses.
Have a great day, hugs Mia
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Hello Barbara, another good smoothly written chapter. Good editing without any clutter or spags. Characters and dialogue consistent and the story still develops well as it progresses.
Have a great day, hugs Mia
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is another interesting chapter of this great book. The poor girl gets misunderstood every step of the way. The road leading up to this marriage stability is very tortuous . kudos
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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This is another interesting chapter of this great book. The poor girl gets misunderstood every step of the way. The road leading up to this marriage stability is very tortuous . kudos
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Readywriter52
Steven ends up in jail because Leya doesn't specify which of her family she's afraid of. She seems concerned that Steven will be angry at her. I think she has underestimated his feelings for her.
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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Steven ends up in jail because Leya doesn't specify which of her family she's afraid of. She seems concerned that Steven will be angry at her. I think she has underestimated his feelings for her.
Comment Written 02-May-2010
reply by the author on 02-May-2010
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I am sure she has misunderstood his feeling, but then again she's used to her father. Thank you for your kind review.
