Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Chapter 7; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
54 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
By the time, Leya walked in - drop the comma
Wow, this is one fascinating chapter - I love that the men are sticking up for Leya and giving Peggy a hard time, and then the attack! That totally took me by surprise. Nothing like a little action to get me awake again when I was getting ready for bed :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
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By the time, Leya walked in - drop the comma
Wow, this is one fascinating chapter - I love that the men are sticking up for Leya and giving Peggy a hard time, and then the attack! That totally took me by surprise. Nothing like a little action to get me awake again when I was getting ready for bed :-) Brooke
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review and I will kill the comma, actually it is only there, because somebody else told to put it there.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Nice tension at the end! I wasn't expecting a raid on the 'safe house' (so to speak), and Peggy is getting really obnoxious ;p
Got a chuckle here: Steven and I are only friends."
Jim smiled. "Right! I bet Steven tries convincing himself of that too." LOL!!!
Well done! (Looking forward to the weekend!)
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Nice tension at the end! I wasn't expecting a raid on the 'safe house' (so to speak), and Peggy is getting really obnoxious ;p
Got a chuckle here: Steven and I are only friends."
Jim smiled. "Right! I bet Steven tries convincing himself of that too." LOL!!!
Well done! (Looking forward to the weekend!)
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind words and continued support.
Comment from Rama Rao
Interesting as usual. However, a small doubt. In the last chapter, Jim was nowhere. Where did he come from all of a sudden? You may consider this for continuity.
Peggy late for breakfast and doesn't get anything to eat? Is the task force low on logistics?
We have to wait for the next weekend. If you keep posting only on weekends how long will it take you to post the full novel?
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Interesting as usual. However, a small doubt. In the last chapter, Jim was nowhere. Where did he come from all of a sudden? You may consider this for continuity.
Peggy late for breakfast and doesn't get anything to eat? Is the task force low on logistics?
We have to wait for the next weekend. If you keep posting only on weekends how long will it take you to post the full novel?
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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A long time, Unfortunately I teach first grade. I need to pay the house payment. Jim and all the task force men have been introduced and well described at the beginning. I only use them as needed, so I don't get into to much detail. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Alaskastory
This part of Chapter 7 is so well presented that I can make no suggestions for improvement. The intense action is described in an easy to follow way -- not an easy accomplishment.
Also, I like the way you are handling the conflict between Leya and Peggy. I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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This part of Chapter 7 is so well presented that I can make no suggestions for improvement. The intense action is described in an easy to follow way -- not an easy accomplishment.
Also, I like the way you are handling the conflict between Leya and Peggy. I look forward to more.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thank you for the stars. I appreciate your review and continused support.
Comment from Connie P
You present such a well written story. Each time I read a new chapter I continue to be impressed with your flow from the preceding chapter. Very good work.
Connie P
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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You present such a well written story. Each time I read a new chapter I continue to be impressed with your flow from the preceding chapter. Very good work.
Connie P
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from mshugh
Whoa - now that was a beaut of an improvement - I mean that
Consider the following suggestions
only Jim sat at the table - Jim was sitting at the table
Last night [insert comma] when she tried to enter
Unsettled by what Jim said, Leya put the kitten down, gathered the bowls, and went inside the house. She didn't come downstairs for the rest of the day. - - you can use this to know it out the ball park.
This is the paragraph where you expand on Leya. Show us her character - not just her external actions - delve into your character - take risks.
For example:
Maybe she thinks: Is he right? I always suspected that, but I don't want it to happen or Steve might lose his job
Gently, she place the kitten onto the soft grass and turned quietly.
As she climbed the stairs to her room, she avoided everyone as she tried to quell the torrent of emotions. On one hand, she was overjoyed at the thought of Steve;'s protective instinct
Something like that
As she heard the rapid barrage - talk to Patrick - I want to hear the noise of the barrage - appeal to my senses. Ask him to explain fire discipline and the trigger settings on weapons 2 round, 3 round etc. - This is a climatic scene - appeal to all five of my senses - that's how you will take this to the next level.
As to whether there should be more on the other subject - read my message
Well done
Now to the next level
Michael
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Whoa - now that was a beaut of an improvement - I mean that
Consider the following suggestions
only Jim sat at the table - Jim was sitting at the table
Last night [insert comma] when she tried to enter
Unsettled by what Jim said, Leya put the kitten down, gathered the bowls, and went inside the house. She didn't come downstairs for the rest of the day. - - you can use this to know it out the ball park.
This is the paragraph where you expand on Leya. Show us her character - not just her external actions - delve into your character - take risks.
For example:
Maybe she thinks: Is he right? I always suspected that, but I don't want it to happen or Steve might lose his job
Gently, she place the kitten onto the soft grass and turned quietly.
As she climbed the stairs to her room, she avoided everyone as she tried to quell the torrent of emotions. On one hand, she was overjoyed at the thought of Steve;'s protective instinct
Something like that
As she heard the rapid barrage - talk to Patrick - I want to hear the noise of the barrage - appeal to my senses. Ask him to explain fire discipline and the trigger settings on weapons 2 round, 3 round etc. - This is a climatic scene - appeal to all five of my senses - that's how you will take this to the next level.
As to whether there should be more on the other subject - read my message
Well done
Now to the next level
Michael
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thank you I am coping your suggestions. Thank you for your support.
Comment from Judith Ann
Oh, the action is really heating up, I love it! Looks like lots of fireworks are in store for these folks, in more ways than one. The storyline continues to hold my interest and keep me reading on. I imagine that your mind is working out the next scenes while you are at work -I know that is how mine works. I continue to enjoy reading this story, keep up the good writing. -Judy
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Oh, the action is really heating up, I love it! Looks like lots of fireworks are in store for these folks, in more ways than one. The storyline continues to hold my interest and keep me reading on. I imagine that your mind is working out the next scenes while you are at work -I know that is how mine works. I continue to enjoy reading this story, keep up the good writing. -Judy
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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I have already completed the novel. I don't post anything until the book is complete. I can't think that far ahead. Thank you for the review.
Comment from Begin Again
Barbara
How could you leave me hanging until next weekend? You shameless lady you...Doesn't school realize you have fans clamoring for more and more?
Great job...I just love this story and can't wait till Steven and Leya finally realize what everyone else already knows...And I figure Peggy is the one who let the family know...
Good job...
cCrol
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Barbara
How could you leave me hanging until next weekend? You shameless lady you...Doesn't school realize you have fans clamoring for more and more?
Great job...I just love this story and can't wait till Steven and Leya finally realize what everyone else already knows...And I figure Peggy is the one who let the family know...
Good job...
cCrol
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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I can't help it. Honestly, my six year olds need. I teach at a ghetto school and I am the only friendly face these babies see. My family have suggested I teach a one of the other schools because my babies break my heart, often, but I'm needed at this school. Not everybody can love these babies. Thank you for the kind review.
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That makes you an extra-special person..God will smile on you, my friend as do I. Carol
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Hey, can I ask you a personal question? If you don't want to answer it's all right, I will understand. Are you married?
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I was married twice (once for 23 years) and now I have lived with my best friend for 15 years..Everyone assumes we are married but at this point in time..I'm content to leave things the way they are....Smiles, Carol
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Sorry for being so personal, but I like to get to know my friends better. I've been married for 25 years and if he doesn't get his butt in gear, it may not make 26.
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I stayed with mine for 23 years for the children..when I divorced him they were very irate with me. Now years later after they've grown,,they tell me I waited far too long..Funny how things change as you grow older. I never thought I would just live with someone either....
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Steven is a junior. I feel the same way. When he graduates, then I'm probably gone. I am not sure how the boys will react.
Comment from Rogue Rider
Sorry, I'm coming to the story late, so I focused more on the grammar and flow. Here are my comments:
By the time, Leya walked (remove comma)
Jim jumped up and fixed her a plate. (sounds a bit instantaneous - especially since there doesn't seem to be a pause in the dialog)
he shook it off[,] saying (add comma?)
Leya studied her eggs, before she asked (for how long did she study the eggs?)
wanted a little excitement[,] so [I] paid extra attention."
And yes[,] we know
As Leya and Jim went outside, they heard a cupboard slam in the kitchen. (Leya didn't eat her breakfast - just left it there on the table?)
Steven took her arm from Derek's hand (this phrasing is a bit awkward)
She wanted to run to him, he needed her help. (replace comma with semicolon)
Also, Steven told her not to open the door, then pointed at the door. The order probably needs to be reversed - note him pointing at the door, then note what he says about not opening the door.
Hopefully that's helpful. Thanks for your story.
Rogue Rider
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Sorry, I'm coming to the story late, so I focused more on the grammar and flow. Here are my comments:
By the time, Leya walked (remove comma)
Jim jumped up and fixed her a plate. (sounds a bit instantaneous - especially since there doesn't seem to be a pause in the dialog)
he shook it off[,] saying (add comma?)
Leya studied her eggs, before she asked (for how long did she study the eggs?)
wanted a little excitement[,] so [I] paid extra attention."
And yes[,] we know
As Leya and Jim went outside, they heard a cupboard slam in the kitchen. (Leya didn't eat her breakfast - just left it there on the table?)
Steven took her arm from Derek's hand (this phrasing is a bit awkward)
She wanted to run to him, he needed her help. (replace comma with semicolon)
Also, Steven told her not to open the door, then pointed at the door. The order probably needs to be reversed - note him pointing at the door, then note what he says about not opening the door.
Hopefully that's helpful. Thanks for your story.
Rogue Rider
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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I copied these suggestions and will take a look at them. Thank you for your review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another great addition to the story. I wonder how her family did find her. Maybe Peggy's the leak. That's where I'd put my money. Great job. Have a great time at school. Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Another great addition to the story. I wonder how her family did find her. Maybe Peggy's the leak. That's where I'd put my money. Great job. Have a great time at school. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your support
