Comment from I am Cat

Exceptional

Are you saying, "eat me" in the end?
;)

lol, if so...
well..since we're twins, I guess I don't have to finish that sentence, do I?
lol

loved this, I was just wondering today...
where's Mikey?
why isn't he writing? he promised... more Mikey...
more reviewing... I mean... hell, it's the 22 of January, I've written 44 poems... you'd think I'd see him more than once. LOL

there aren't THAT many crazies in California.... never mind, yes there are. LOL
;)
I hope you are well... love you poem.
They only part I'd change is that the fly didn't become suicidal... ;)
but then, I suppose for a good eatin', we all have to sacrifice ourselves sometimes. ;)
LOL

roar! ;)
C

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016

The crazies keep coming to me. Get this, they think I'M crazy. Hahahahahahahahahahahahhehehehehehehehe. GO FIGURE!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fly, or Musca domestica, is merely a metaphorical manifestation of manipulation. (Whatever that means.)
I'm around somewhere. Very busy though. Lots of new crazy people here that are off-putting. But, I guess we put up with them. So pleased you liked this. I wasn't sure if people would "get" this, so YAY!! Don't tell anyone, but the fly lives, it was all a ruse to trap the spider. The fly was bluffing. I'd respond with a fly sound but the only one I know is "Help me", and technically that's a human head on a fly. Okay, I'm rambling now. Thank you so much! mikey :))

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Excellent free verse 'observation' and extended metaphor. it sounds like a song lyric (is it?) Wold make a good one, anyway. Good bouncy groove and well timed random rhymes and slant rhymes. I especially like immobilized and hypnotized. it works fine with no punctuation. However, for sculpting cadences since there is not punctuation, I recommend inserting a couple of line break 'breaths' (optional).

Example (how I hear it):



It's too late
you've already touched the web

sticky is the trick

I played on you
a spell I know well
an easy sell

yeah, darlin', I'm a swell guy
you can see it in my eyes

hypnotized
immobilized

the moment is at hand

you were helpless
as I planned

I controlled you from the moment
you believed my first told lie

c'mon now, helpless spider
I'm your suicidal fly ...


And another example, with fewer line breaks:



It's too late
you've already touched the web
sticky is the trick

I played on you
a spell I know well
an easy sell

yeah, darlin', I'm a swell guy
you can see it in my eyes
hypnotized
immobilized

the moment is at hand

you were helpless
as I planned
I controlled you from the moment
you believed my first told lie

c'mon now, helpless spider
I'm your suicidal fly ...


Good extended metaphor.
Unique write.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016

Thank you soooo much!! It looks and reads a million times better. I went with the first one. Perfect. I'm so pleased you liked this. I always worry no one will "get" something like this especially with all the new members who don't get it running around. Ha! Delighted. Thanks as always for your help. mikey

reply by rama devi on 24-Jan-2016

Thanks for your enthusiastic response, dear Mikey. Happy belated birthday (I'm a Capricorn too)--I saw a post about your birthday the other day...meant to send a note.

Glad you liked the spacing idea!

reply by rama devi on 24-Jan-2016

Thanks for your enthusiastic response, dear Mikey. Happy belated birthday (I'm a Capricorn too)--I saw a post about your birthday the other day...meant to send a note.

Glad you liked the spacing idea!

Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose

Excellent

Hello, Michael,

This is an awesome poem about the weaved web of deception. And a twist at the end ~ A suicidal fly! LOL This is precious. Good job :)

~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~Gypsy Hugs~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~o~*~o~

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 Comment Written 24-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016

Thanks so much, Gypsy. So pleased you enjoyed. Irish hugs back. mikey

reply by Gypsy Blue Rose on 24-Jan-2016

I didn't know you were Irish :) I'm Spanish. :)

reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016

Oh, cool. I speak Castillian you know. Nah, not really. But it's a good lie, yes? Ha! Well, Spain and Ireland have never been at war, so that's a good sign. :))

reply by Gypsy Blue Rose on 24-Jan-2016

Have you ever heard that if a Spanish woman marries an Irish man, their baby is called, a Black Irish? Crazy, ha? We are not black in color, why would we call that? I'm not sure what it means but it sounds like an insult. LOL

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Exceptional

An observation, you say? Ah, I guess we'll have to wait and see and keep our eyes peeled for subtle hints of development. That seems to be what your poem is about too, subtle observation and manipulations. Well done, Mikey, Giddy

 Comment Written 24-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016

Ahhhhhh!! I'd best be minding my Ps and Qs and all the other letters I suppose. :))
So thrilled you enjoyed and for all of these stars. I hope I can be around a bit more often. I'll try and stop by soon. mikey

Comment from brenda bickers

Excellent

Hi Michael
Great poem, How many of us have been caught in that web of lies and deceit?
I suspect we have all been a victim at some point.
Great writing and well understood.
Brenda

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 Comment Written 24-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2016

Thank so much, Brenda. Always a thrill when someone gets it spot on the money. Very encouraging! mikey