The Quest
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Quest Part Fifteen"Finding My Roots
38 total reviews
Comment from jpduck
I don't know what to say, Ulla. Stunningly beautiful and moving.
A few SPAGs and a suggestion. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'The table had been [all] laid' (The 'all' does not add any meaning to the sentence).
'I decided that I would suggest to go down to the water front after breakfast. It would be good to get some fresh air and a bit of a walk.' (I suggest you delete all of this, as you repeat it a little further on when you actually ask your mother).
'and walked briskly [along] *beside* the deep blue ocean'
'To my delight, my wish [were] *was* granted soon after'
'That particular stay lasted for two and [the] *a* half years'
'and I liked [to be] *being* in Heidelberg'
Adrian
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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I don't know what to say, Ulla. Stunningly beautiful and moving.
A few SPAGs and a suggestion. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'The table had been [all] laid' (The 'all' does not add any meaning to the sentence).
'I decided that I would suggest to go down to the water front after breakfast. It would be good to get some fresh air and a bit of a walk.' (I suggest you delete all of this, as you repeat it a little further on when you actually ask your mother).
'and walked briskly [along] *beside* the deep blue ocean'
'To my delight, my wish [were] *was* granted soon after'
'That particular stay lasted for two and [the] *a* half years'
'and I liked [to be] *being* in Heidelberg'
Adrian
Comment Written 13-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Adrian, what can I say other than thank you ever so much. You don't know how pleased I am. I have made the corrections, being surprised how I could miss those errors when I've edited numerous times. I must be staring myself blind. Thanks ever so much again. All best. Ulla :)
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We all of us see what we expect to see when proofing our own writing.
Adrian
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
Used "made my way..." twice in the first paragraph.
In my opinion, the first part of this episode--the waking up and going to the kitchen thing--isn't meaty enough. Every paragraph should lean directly on the story problem in some way. There is no concern, no tension, no conflict, no real emotion other than it's a beautiful day. Your story is dripping with potential emotions--squirt some into the beginning if you can. It's what makes folks want to read your story.
One of the through lines you started is about your natural father. I'm assuming that finding him might also be one of the goals of your quest. You've gotten us very interested in knowing what happened to him. Are you saving more of that for later. As it stands, your father has dropped out of the story and your mother has moved on to George. If there is more coming about your father, great. If not, his through line in your story needs closure.
Some places your revert to telling us information that could be shown. Like: "Mum was sobbing..." Maybe you could sprinkle something into her dialogue that shows us her change of emotion--instead of having to mention it after the fact. You did a good job later with: "Mum wiped her tears and swallowed. She blew her nose, and with a certain determination, straightened her back."
I'm not trying to tell you what to write, but here is an example of what I mean: "Mum wiped her tears and swallowed. [add Mum's dialogue about her story] She blew her nose. [add more dialogue] With a certain determination, [she] straightened her back. [add resolution of her current story bit]".
Use active verbs instead of passive. Anytime you can show instead of tell it will be a better story to read. Does this thinking help at all?
Keep up the good work. You've got a good story going!
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Used "made my way..." twice in the first paragraph.
In my opinion, the first part of this episode--the waking up and going to the kitchen thing--isn't meaty enough. Every paragraph should lean directly on the story problem in some way. There is no concern, no tension, no conflict, no real emotion other than it's a beautiful day. Your story is dripping with potential emotions--squirt some into the beginning if you can. It's what makes folks want to read your story.
One of the through lines you started is about your natural father. I'm assuming that finding him might also be one of the goals of your quest. You've gotten us very interested in knowing what happened to him. Are you saving more of that for later. As it stands, your father has dropped out of the story and your mother has moved on to George. If there is more coming about your father, great. If not, his through line in your story needs closure.
Some places your revert to telling us information that could be shown. Like: "Mum was sobbing..." Maybe you could sprinkle something into her dialogue that shows us her change of emotion--instead of having to mention it after the fact. You did a good job later with: "Mum wiped her tears and swallowed. She blew her nose, and with a certain determination, straightened her back."
I'm not trying to tell you what to write, but here is an example of what I mean: "Mum wiped her tears and swallowed. [add Mum's dialogue about her story] She blew her nose. [add more dialogue] With a certain determination, [she] straightened her back. [add resolution of her current story bit]".
Use active verbs instead of passive. Anytime you can show instead of tell it will be a better story to read. Does this thinking help at all?
Keep up the good work. You've got a good story going!
Comment Written 13-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Robert, thank you so much for a very useful and constructive review. I have made changes and I am seriously thinking of rewriting parts of it. I don't feel at all that your are trying to write story for me. I am learning and will try to apply what you are showing me. Thanks again. All best. Ulla:)
Comment from Curly Girly
Hi, Ulla! I enjoyed reading this chapter. I am appalled to here that your real father was callous enough to drop your mother; or did he die? I would not be surprised to hear that he was an expert womaniser; they abound.
You wrote:
I hope you did as well, and whatever you're making smells, yum!
Suggested punctuation:
I hope you did as well; and whatever you're making, smells yum!
I yearned to go as far away as I could in the hope to build a new life.
I yearned to go as far away as I could in the hope OF buildING a new life.
Nicole
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Hi, Ulla! I enjoyed reading this chapter. I am appalled to here that your real father was callous enough to drop your mother; or did he die? I would not be surprised to hear that he was an expert womaniser; they abound.
You wrote:
I hope you did as well, and whatever you're making smells, yum!
Suggested punctuation:
I hope you did as well; and whatever you're making, smells yum!
I yearned to go as far away as I could in the hope to build a new life.
I yearned to go as far away as I could in the hope OF buildING a new life.
Nicole
Comment Written 13-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Nicole, thank you so much for your lovely review and your awesome six. I am so pleased. I've made the corrections. All best. Ulla :)
Comment from MelB
A nice continuation of the story. This had to be the hardest part for her to relive and tell you about. I'm sure it was a comfort and relief to her that you were so willing to forgive her. It has to be a relief to know that she didn't give you up for adoption because she didn't care or didn't want you. So much rejection for the kids who have that situation.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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A nice continuation of the story. This had to be the hardest part for her to relive and tell you about. I'm sure it was a comfort and relief to her that you were so willing to forgive her. It has to be a relief to know that she didn't give you up for adoption because she didn't care or didn't want you. So much rejection for the kids who have that situation.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Yes, it was special. And we did indeed bond during the time I was there. A bond that was never broken again. Thank you so much for reading. All best. Ulla
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You're most welcome, Ulla.
Comment from Michaelk
Okay, I've given up on my whole theory of your aunt actually being your mother. It seems that my idea of your grandmother withholding letters from you biological father didn't pan out either. I guess I'm just not a very good guesser when it comes to your family history.
The strong emotions continue to shine in this chapter, as well as the slow-going pace, allowing you and your mother to properly bond.
My problem is, don't you have to return soon? This is just a vacation. I forget how long you said it was, but it seems like you would need to get back soon.
Another solid chapter.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Okay, I've given up on my whole theory of your aunt actually being your mother. It seems that my idea of your grandmother withholding letters from you biological father didn't pan out either. I guess I'm just not a very good guesser when it comes to your family history.
The strong emotions continue to shine in this chapter, as well as the slow-going pace, allowing you and your mother to properly bond.
My problem is, don't you have to return soon? This is just a vacation. I forget how long you said it was, but it seems like you would need to get back soon.
Another solid chapter.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Michael, thank you for this amazing review. You do make me smile. Be patient a little bit longer, you may not be that far off. But my aunt as you have correctly deduced was certainly not my mother. I am so pleased that you follow this and for your support. More is to follow soon and maybe some answers as well. All best Ulla:)
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
_ Another lovely chapter.
_ I'm sure that your mum's telling of it was most difficult, given the time she had to go through with it---times were so different.
_ Looking forward to the next. (*<*)
* Merry Christmas to you and yours *
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jackie / Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Hi, Ulla
_ Another lovely chapter.
_ I'm sure that your mum's telling of it was most difficult, given the time she had to go through with it---times were so different.
_ Looking forward to the next. (*<*)
* Merry Christmas to you and yours *
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jackie / Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 12-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Hi Jax, thank you so much. Yes it was difficult for Mum to tell me but at the same time we gotcloser all the time. More to follow soon. All best, and Merry Christmas to you as well. Ulla:)
Comment from Zue65
The author just gave enough information in this chapter and hook the readers to wait for the next chapter to find out all the other details in the life of Ulla and her biological mother who gave her up for adoption. Thanks again for sharing an interesting facet of your life. God bless.
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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The author just gave enough information in this chapter and hook the readers to wait for the next chapter to find out all the other details in the life of Ulla and her biological mother who gave her up for adoption. Thanks again for sharing an interesting facet of your life. God bless.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much. I do appreciate your kind words. All best. Ulla
Comment from Marvin Calloway
Ulla
This is a pleasing continuation of a lovely story. I like the pacing. It's not rushed, giving me the chance to savor it. The love comes through clearly and is genuine.
Anxious to hear more. Thanks.
". . . to the terrace enjoying the . . ."
Need comma after terrace.
Does this sentence sound right to you?
"I hurried in, taking the plate out of mum's hand, and proceeded to bring hers over to the table as well."
Thanks,
Marv
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2015
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Ulla
This is a pleasing continuation of a lovely story. I like the pacing. It's not rushed, giving me the chance to savor it. The love comes through clearly and is genuine.
Anxious to hear more. Thanks.
". . . to the terrace enjoying the . . ."
Need comma after terrace.
Does this sentence sound right to you?
"I hurried in, taking the plate out of mum's hand, and proceeded to bring hers over to the table as well."
Thanks,
Marv
Comment Written 12-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2015
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Hi Marv, thanks a lot for the thoughtful review. You are so right the sentence didn't read right and I have changed it. Thanks a lot for pointing it out. All best. Ulla
Comment from royowen
A lovely tale of redemption and reconciliation Ulla. I love stories although poignantly sad, have great conclusions, not everybody has two adoring families! I can't remember whether you mentioned siblings or not, step or natural! But this story is sensitive and very exciting which spans two continents, it is a most enjoyable read Ulla, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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A lovely tale of redemption and reconciliation Ulla. I love stories although poignantly sad, have great conclusions, not everybody has two adoring families! I can't remember whether you mentioned siblings or not, step or natural! But this story is sensitive and very exciting which spans two continents, it is a most enjoyable read Ulla, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 12-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much Roy, and thanks for reading. Where my srory stands I was the only child. And my mother never had any other children. More to follow soon. All best. Ulla
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Most welcome
Comment from David Burchell
Your story is riveting but I feel you are holding much back. It is all too smooth and agreeable. You say the search to find your mother was easy but you don't give us a clue as to your feelings or the conflicts it might have caused with your adoptive parents. You write as if you are restraining yourself: over anxious to resist the possibility of hurting someone.
Your natural mother, too, would surely have more emotion to express.
You can write: let yourself go.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2015
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Your story is riveting but I feel you are holding much back. It is all too smooth and agreeable. You say the search to find your mother was easy but you don't give us a clue as to your feelings or the conflicts it might have caused with your adoptive parents. You write as if you are restraining yourself: over anxious to resist the possibility of hurting someone.
Your natural mother, too, would surely have more emotion to express.
You can write: let yourself go.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2015
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Thank you for your review. If you had read previous chapters you would have seen that all your concerns would have been answered. Ulla
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Will read earlier chapters if I can. Only just joined the site.
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I would appreciate if you could find the time. Then you'll see it's not all smooth and agreeable. More than 17000 words have gone into this. Welcome to FS. It's a lovely site, Ulla