Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Fright "The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
28 total reviews
Comment from sharonmealler
OOOOHHHH, I'm all tingly waiting for the next chapter. This is such a wonderful story. Witches married to werewolves? I wish the chapter had been longer. I didn't see any errors or typos and I can't wait until the next chapter is posted. Keep up the good work. I hope you get this story published, I would love to have it.
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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OOOOHHHH, I'm all tingly waiting for the next chapter. This is such a wonderful story. Witches married to werewolves? I wish the chapter had been longer. I didn't see any errors or typos and I can't wait until the next chapter is posted. Keep up the good work. I hope you get this story published, I would love to have it.
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you so much. Actually I am going to have it published. And I'll make sure I let you know. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from justafan
Now will the good doctor survive??? Perfectly placed ending. I am anxious for the next segment. I have enjoyed the adventure thus far my friend :)
Always justafan,
Missy
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Now will the good doctor survive??? Perfectly placed ending. I am anxious for the next segment. I have enjoyed the adventure thus far my friend :)
Always justafan,
Missy
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Jay Squires
A very good chapter, Ama. A lot of drama, tension (the ticking clock) good character interaction.
I made a few comments below:
Jewel blinked several times to clear her eyes. She swung her legs from under the covers and sat on the edge of the bed. The fluff of the scatter rug slipped between her toes when she placed her feet on the floor. River quietly snored behind her [Excellent description to establish the setting.]
River quietly snored behind her, unaware of the new danger she was about to discover. [I'd suggest you leave "unaware of the new danger she was about to discover" out of this. It states the obvious and doesn't forward the plot. The first part is good description to establish the setting.]
"You're waking me...," [comma not needed, but a space before the three dot ellipsis is]
inhuman blood and..." [Just a reminder (and I won't point out any others) you need a space before and after the ellipsis, except when there's a closed quote (so you were right there.)]
"I'm afraid so. Jewel, I'm sorry. [Need another type of punctuation than a comma after "Jewel" since "I'm sorry" is a complete sentence, creating a run-on sentence.]
she said to him, appearing annoyed. [instead of telling the reader how she felt, show them by having her do something (like rolling her eyes or shaking her head) ... which would probably be easier if she didn't call him "honey".]
"Anyone else knows?" [ "Does" is implied as the word he left out, which makes it "Does anyone else KNOW."]
"What are you planning on doing?" she asked, snuggling up to him. [Trust me, after all their foreplay, the reader is not expecting his to be the answer to her question, LOL. But seriously, you might want to restructure her question, along with the attendant action: <"What are you planning on doing?" she asked, snuggling up to him.> ]
"Sally, Doctor. Lorac to most of you, [This is the third time in this chapter you explained this. Instead, why not say that River told the story to the men. You could pretty it up by having him watch their mouths fly open,or eyes widen as he told them the story. Just a suggestion, Ama, but I almost suggested it when Jewel repeated it to River. Three times is a lot.]
"If I don't want to be turned into a little green frog--yeah." [A FUNNY line!]
"All right, all right. Let's get back to the problem at hand," River scolded. [All that banter was good, though!]
ruled his home with an iron paw. [Oh, geez, I know it's tempting, Ama (I would hate to give up a line like that!), but it makes it hard to believe he takes himself seriously. Like he's trying to be a comedian. And you don't want that. What WOULD make all the difference is having someone interrupting his saying "rule the home with ... with--" by saying "--with an iron paw". Then everyone can laugh and the joke's on the old dude. I know how you like to pick on the old dudes!]
In spite of all my challenges this was very well done, few actual spags, mostly suggestions.
I liked it.
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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A very good chapter, Ama. A lot of drama, tension (the ticking clock) good character interaction.
I made a few comments below:
Jewel blinked several times to clear her eyes. She swung her legs from under the covers and sat on the edge of the bed. The fluff of the scatter rug slipped between her toes when she placed her feet on the floor. River quietly snored behind her [Excellent description to establish the setting.]
River quietly snored behind her, unaware of the new danger she was about to discover. [I'd suggest you leave "unaware of the new danger she was about to discover" out of this. It states the obvious and doesn't forward the plot. The first part is good description to establish the setting.]
"You're waking me...," [comma not needed, but a space before the three dot ellipsis is]
inhuman blood and..." [Just a reminder (and I won't point out any others) you need a space before and after the ellipsis, except when there's a closed quote (so you were right there.)]
"I'm afraid so. Jewel, I'm sorry. [Need another type of punctuation than a comma after "Jewel" since "I'm sorry" is a complete sentence, creating a run-on sentence.]
she said to him, appearing annoyed. [instead of telling the reader how she felt, show them by having her do something (like rolling her eyes or shaking her head) ... which would probably be easier if she didn't call him "honey".]
"Anyone else knows?" [ "Does" is implied as the word he left out, which makes it "Does anyone else KNOW."]
"What are you planning on doing?" she asked, snuggling up to him. [Trust me, after all their foreplay, the reader is not expecting his to be the answer to her question, LOL. But seriously, you might want to restructure her question, along with the attendant action: <"What are you planning on doing?" she asked, snuggling up to him.> ]
"Sally, Doctor. Lorac to most of you, [This is the third time in this chapter you explained this. Instead, why not say that River told the story to the men. You could pretty it up by having him watch their mouths fly open,or eyes widen as he told them the story. Just a suggestion, Ama, but I almost suggested it when Jewel repeated it to River. Three times is a lot.]
"If I don't want to be turned into a little green frog--yeah." [A FUNNY line!]
"All right, all right. Let's get back to the problem at hand," River scolded. [All that banter was good, though!]
ruled his home with an iron paw. [Oh, geez, I know it's tempting, Ama (I would hate to give up a line like that!), but it makes it hard to believe he takes himself seriously. Like he's trying to be a comedian. And you don't want that. What WOULD make all the difference is having someone interrupting his saying "rule the home with ... with--" by saying "--with an iron paw". Then everyone can laugh and the joke's on the old dude. I know how you like to pick on the old dudes!]
In spite of all my challenges this was very well done, few actual spags, mostly suggestions.
I liked it.
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to review and make suggestions, Jay. I'll print it out and read over the chapter.
Comment from skip4stories
Wow, very exciting! Fast paced and smooth. I loved the dialogue. I guess I will have to read the previous chapters to find out where the Sooner boys came from, more wolves I suspect. I could not find anything wrong with this, it's a good and pleasurable read.
Skip
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Wow, very exciting! Fast paced and smooth. I loved the dialogue. I guess I will have to read the previous chapters to find out where the Sooner boys came from, more wolves I suspect. I could not find anything wrong with this, it's a good and pleasurable read.
Skip
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you skip.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So they plan to ambush him? He can just take another sample from the boy if they steal this one. And they aren't going to kill him, I hope. Now I'm nervous. Hurry with the next chapter! :)
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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So they plan to ambush him? He can just take another sample from the boy if they steal this one. And they aren't going to kill him, I hope. Now I'm nervous. Hurry with the next chapter! :)
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you Phyllis.
Comment from lancellot
Good chapter. I like the mild teasing and male form of wife complaining and joking, the adage of the beer was perfect, just how it is.
note:
blood sample would be in one of the tubes with a missing label?"
- Did you switch locations and scenes here?-
Dr. Lorac strolled over to the overstuffed chair and sat
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Good chapter. I like the mild teasing and male form of wife complaining and joking, the adage of the beer was perfect, just how it is.
note:
blood sample would be in one of the tubes with a missing label?"
- Did you switch locations and scenes here?-
Dr. Lorac strolled over to the overstuffed chair and sat
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you, lancellot. I'm not sure what you mean by switch locations and scenes. I'll go over that and see if I can figure out what you're saying.
Comment from w.j.debi
Ooo, looks like I need to go back to the first chapter and catch up. This looks like a great story. The dialog and action is realistic. So wolves and witches go together do they? And I get the feeling they are the good guys in this story. I also get the feeling that Charlton Daniels is driving straight into a trap so that the wolves and witches can protect their secret.
One small SPAG. The period isn't need if you spell out Doctor.
"Sally, Doctor. Lorac to most of you,"
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reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Ooo, looks like I need to go back to the first chapter and catch up. This looks like a great story. The dialog and action is realistic. So wolves and witches go together do they? And I get the feeling they are the good guys in this story. I also get the feeling that Charlton Daniels is driving straight into a trap so that the wolves and witches can protect their secret.
One small SPAG. The period isn't need if you spell out Doctor.
"Sally, Doctor. Lorac to most of you,"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you debi. I changed Dr. to Doctor and forgot to delete the period. Glad you liked the chapter.
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I thought that might be the case. It is something I would do.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Interesting notes. Easy to follow story line. Full of smooth flowing action. Descriptive language well used throughout.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Interesting notes. Easy to follow story line. Full of smooth flowing action. Descriptive language well used throughout.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Thank you.
