Seven In Eleven
Seven Lost In Eleven Years40 total reviews
Comment from mountainwriter49
Hello, Poet
This poem is quite the something to read and enjoy. I've not had the nerve to write one like this, but admire your skill and the manner in which you developed the poem's theme. I particularly liked the resolve in the last two lines.
I had to gag with the reference to rum and coke. Been there and done that and can still feel the sick it caused some 40 years ago. lol.
Your meter and rhyme are spot-on.
-Ray
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Hello, Poet
This poem is quite the something to read and enjoy. I've not had the nerve to write one like this, but admire your skill and the manner in which you developed the poem's theme. I particularly liked the resolve in the last two lines.
I had to gag with the reference to rum and coke. Been there and done that and can still feel the sick it caused some 40 years ago. lol.
Your meter and rhyme are spot-on.
-Ray
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Ray, I know what you mean, brother, in terms of gagging when you see references to things that have made us sick. I still can't look at eggrolls after a bad experience. ;)
As always, my fellow Tar Heel, I appreciate the kind words and review, and if you want to try one of these, I'll be happy to help you with it.
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Thanks much! I'll take you up on that as I get my inkwell refilled.
-ray
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I'll be ready!
Comment from Domino 2
You're right, David - I never seen a 'sixteener' before, but this could just the same be broken into eight-syllable lines to be read as iambic tetrameter, as the current internal rhymes would still coincide as end rhymes.
Anyway, it's excellent whichever way looked at, as the meter is perfect and it just sings along.
Excellent wit and self-analysis of your romantic difficulties in finding Mrs Right. Top word choices in this superior poem.
Best wishes, Ted
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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You're right, David - I never seen a 'sixteener' before, but this could just the same be broken into eight-syllable lines to be read as iambic tetrameter, as the current internal rhymes would still coincide as end rhymes.
Anyway, it's excellent whichever way looked at, as the meter is perfect and it just sings along.
Excellent wit and self-analysis of your romantic difficulties in finding Mrs Right. Top word choices in this superior poem.
Best wishes, Ted
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, Teddy. Yes, I've actually formatted them both ways, but for readability, I like them in one long line. It would also make L1-L3 iambic tetrameter and L2-L4 trochaic tetrameter, and that easily confuses people. Either way, good observations, as alaways, and I appreciate the review. I also love Fourteeners, and may post one of those soon. Thanks again for your kind words.
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Good point about the alternating Trochaic meter, Lee. I must admit that throws ME at times. Mind you, it seems only a minority on here appreciate meter of any type.
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I agree...and that's a shame. My reach here will be limited this time around, I'm sure, because that's all I'll post, and with a few exceptions, that's what I'll review. Thanks again!
Comment from hobopoet
Wow. Just...wow. Love the eight foot lines, and I especially liked the internal rhymes. I've done a few pieces with internal rhymes and I know how fussy they can be. You handled it very well, though.
I really, really liked this...although it has a touch of sadness to it, doesn't it? It's a cutting kind of pain you describe, but you delivered it to us here very, very subtly.
Good stuff, my friend. I might just have to try this form on for size myself in the near future. :)
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Wow. Just...wow. Love the eight foot lines, and I especially liked the internal rhymes. I've done a few pieces with internal rhymes and I know how fussy they can be. You handled it very well, though.
I really, really liked this...although it has a touch of sadness to it, doesn't it? It's a cutting kind of pain you describe, but you delivered it to us here very, very subtly.
Good stuff, my friend. I might just have to try this form on for size myself in the near future. :)
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, James. These are my favorite form, and they give me the legroom to really kick out the jams, so to speak. I really appreciate the sixer, brother, and I invite you to use this form, too. I think I'll do a heptameter next, with the internal rhyme in every other line.
Comment from ronnie k
This I do know this is a complete poem of nights I and I imagine many other endured, I like the cadence but the body of the poem was my delight. Thank you
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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This I do know this is a complete poem of nights I and I imagine many other endured, I like the cadence but the body of the poem was my delight. Thank you
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, Ronnie. I appreciate it! :)
Comment from RonCraig
Well done! I am out of my element here but your words flowed beautifully and the pain felt. I was wondering, again out of my element why this line wasn't more personal with "..my brain." instead of "..the brain"?
To pound the conscience like a hammer driving judgment through the brain.
Your last line was perfect for closure of past suffering and hope ahead.
Ron
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Well done! I am out of my element here but your words flowed beautifully and the pain felt. I was wondering, again out of my element why this line wasn't more personal with "..my brain." instead of "..the brain"?
To pound the conscience like a hammer driving judgment through the brain.
Your last line was perfect for closure of past suffering and hope ahead.
Ron
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, Ron, and you ask a very pertinent question. I'll take a look at it, because it may have been that I used "my" so many times that I looked for opportunities to minimize it, or that I preferred to be more general in that particular place. I can definitely see it working well with your suggestion, and I appreciate you taking the time to read the piece. I'll consider your excellent thought. Thanks!
David
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I sometimes write in iambic heptameter, 14 syllables per line.
Your poem is iambic octameter. I like the long lines with internal rhyme. They have a musical rhythm. The first stanza draws the reader in and then you follow through with the rest of the tale. Very well done. Enjoyed. Nancy
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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I sometimes write in iambic heptameter, 14 syllables per line.
Your poem is iambic octameter. I like the long lines with internal rhyme. They have a musical rhythm. The first stanza draws the reader in and then you follow through with the rest of the tale. Very well done. Enjoyed. Nancy
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, Nancy. Yes, I actually love to write heptameter, too, even moreso than octameter (decided not to put that in the notes, as Sixteener seems less intimidating to some), but I usually include internal rhyme in each line, or every other line, too. Like you, I LOVE the musical rhythm of it, which seems to pick up as the reader catches the pace. As always, I appreciate the great, observant review, and especially your use of a six on this one. Cheers!
David
Comment from lakeport
Seven in Eleven, indeed to much booze can really mess up once life,I have seen it to many times, thanks for sharing your story, God bless you, Lakeport.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Seven in Eleven, indeed to much booze can really mess up once life,I have seen it to many times, thanks for sharing your story, God bless you, Lakeport.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thank you very much, lakeport! As always, I appreciate it.
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your welcome,Lakeport.
Comment from Dawn of Tomorrow
That's a great type of poem to use for strong emotions and you did a very good job with pouring (no pun intended, well maybe just a little one)those emotions onto the page. This happens to a lot of people out there, always looking never really finding, not clearly grasping why. I like this one, like this one immensely. Good to have you back. Good to see you are doing so well so quickly, LOL
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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That's a great type of poem to use for strong emotions and you did a very good job with pouring (no pun intended, well maybe just a little one)those emotions onto the page. This happens to a lot of people out there, always looking never really finding, not clearly grasping why. I like this one, like this one immensely. Good to have you back. Good to see you are doing so well so quickly, LOL
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, my friend! It feels good to be tilting a pen again, and to receive such words from one I respect for your own talents. I appreciate you stopping by for the read. :)
DNB
Comment from MissMerri
This seems like a most challenging form, but it is beautiful in the way it flows along so musically and rhythmically. It is a great read-aloud poem. It reminded me of "The Raven" a bit. The theme is different, of course, but still sad and lamenting loss. Imagery is strong in this piece, as are the metaphors, enhancing the emotional impact. It is a very well-written poem that does what poetry does best... moves the heart. I enjoyed reading this and appreciate the skill it required to write it. ~ MM
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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This seems like a most challenging form, but it is beautiful in the way it flows along so musically and rhythmically. It is a great read-aloud poem. It reminded me of "The Raven" a bit. The theme is different, of course, but still sad and lamenting loss. Imagery is strong in this piece, as are the metaphors, enhancing the emotional impact. It is a very well-written poem that does what poetry does best... moves the heart. I enjoyed reading this and appreciate the skill it required to write it. ~ MM
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Thanks so much, MM! Yes, it's very similar to The Raven's composition, though that one begins each line with a trochee. I do love me some Poe, too. :) As always, I appreciate your kind words, attention, observations, and especially the sixer!
David
Comment from Allblockout
We tend to kill the bottle to kill our sorrow when things go bad in a relationship especially if we blame our self for all the wrong going on at the time,Great poem
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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We tend to kill the bottle to kill our sorrow when things go bad in a relationship especially if we blame our self for all the wrong going on at the time,Great poem
Comment Written 13-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2014
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Amen, Allblockout. Thanks so much!
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You are very welcome :)
