Our Dream ComeTrue
Octogram30 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This is a wonderful entry for the contest, Steve. It's got charm, musicality and quaint imagery with an undeniable tone of tenderness. Very sweet. Excellent use of repetition. Superb rhyming, as usual from you, especially here:
and hollyhocks, a picket gate
where stars at night illuminate
what we shall evermore construe
our dream come true.
One spag suggestion:
Our love(,) like oceans deep and vast,
of azure hue,
Love the phrasing here--with such superb phonetics, especially consonance and alliteration of S and bonus consonance of a soft C sound:
surrounds and swirls with lacy foam,
and decorates our wish-borne home,
where children's laughter echoes through
our dream come true.
A beautiful work! Enjoyed reading it aloud.
Polished and refined, except for that one comma (IMO). Very nice presentation, too.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly,r d
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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This is a wonderful entry for the contest, Steve. It's got charm, musicality and quaint imagery with an undeniable tone of tenderness. Very sweet. Excellent use of repetition. Superb rhyming, as usual from you, especially here:
and hollyhocks, a picket gate
where stars at night illuminate
what we shall evermore construe
our dream come true.
One spag suggestion:
Our love(,) like oceans deep and vast,
of azure hue,
Love the phrasing here--with such superb phonetics, especially consonance and alliteration of S and bonus consonance of a soft C sound:
surrounds and swirls with lacy foam,
and decorates our wish-borne home,
where children's laughter echoes through
our dream come true.
A beautiful work! Enjoyed reading it aloud.
Polished and refined, except for that one comma (IMO). Very nice presentation, too.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly,r d
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Thanks, Rama - no luck in the booth, but then the opposition was strong.
Steve
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:)
Comment from ravenblack
great use of rhythm and rhyme. like the descriptions of your dream cottage in it's surroundings. me - i'd like a cabin in the mountains.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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great use of rhythm and rhyme. like the descriptions of your dream cottage in it's surroundings. me - i'd like a cabin in the mountains.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from juliaSjames
Ahhhh! The octogram form is perfectly suited to this depiction of the ideal life. The write develops nicely from the dream cottage to the dream family.
Excellent romantic imagery - were you inspired by the recent haiku prompt?
Masterly end rhyme and meter and smooth enjambment allow the reader to focus on the words. Also, I take note of your clever use of punctuation that acts as counterpoint to the regular beat.
However I suggest you remove the comma after "vast" in the second stanza which, to me, interferes with the flow (sic).
Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Ahhhh! The octogram form is perfectly suited to this depiction of the ideal life. The write develops nicely from the dream cottage to the dream family.
Excellent romantic imagery - were you inspired by the recent haiku prompt?
Masterly end rhyme and meter and smooth enjambment allow the reader to focus on the words. Also, I take note of your clever use of punctuation that acts as counterpoint to the regular beat.
However I suggest you remove the comma after "vast" in the second stanza which, to me, interferes with the flow (sic).
Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Julia, thanks for the kind review and the suggestions - appreciate your time.
Steve
Comment from ZBaron
Very well done. This is a fine poem and a strong entry for this octogram prompt. I really like your use of alliteration and found this poem to flow smoothly. You do a great job at painting a picture with your words. Very enjoyable.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Very well done. This is a fine poem and a strong entry for this octogram prompt. I really like your use of alliteration and found this poem to flow smoothly. You do a great job at painting a picture with your words. Very enjoyable.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Thank you.
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
Your rhymes are all strong and in excellent form for the octogram
Your cadence is steady because of consistent use of iambic meter
And I like your choice of refrain line, which works well in all three parts of the poem
nice simile in our love as deep as oceans
nice alliteration in wings of wind and cozy cottage
a lovely upbeat poem in excellent octogram form :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Your rhymes are all strong and in excellent form for the octogram
Your cadence is steady because of consistent use of iambic meter
And I like your choice of refrain line, which works well in all three parts of the poem
nice simile in our love as deep as oceans
nice alliteration in wings of wind and cozy cottage
a lovely upbeat poem in excellent octogram form :-) Brooke
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Thanks, Brooke!
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
A bit of a different cast for you, Steve. But then, I've seen you tackle all sorts forms.
This form seems a difficult one to me. Impressed with how
easily you seem to make all work--nothing forced, no twisted syntax to make a rhyme of fit the meter.
A sweet even flow--a dream come true.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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A bit of a different cast for you, Steve. But then, I've seen you tackle all sorts forms.
This form seems a difficult one to me. Impressed with how
easily you seem to make all work--nothing forced, no twisted syntax to make a rhyme of fit the meter.
A sweet even flow--a dream come true.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2013
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Thanks, Lee - I thought to myself 'what would Adewpearl write?' and then I wrote it! Alas, the tactic didn't work as we both ended up among the also-rans!
Steve
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Just between you and me, Steve, the committee has mediocre record when it comes to judging superior work. Damn! Now I'll never win. Lee
Comment from visionary1234
Good heavens above Steve - this one's awfully mellow for you! Are we seeing a kinder, gentler side of Cheezel? What a sweet octogram dear - now go read mine! :))))))S
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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Good heavens above Steve - this one's awfully mellow for you! Are we seeing a kinder, gentler side of Cheezel? What a sweet octogram dear - now go read mine! :))))))S
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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I had a theory - suspecting that Brooke would win this, I tried to write like her. Hah! We were both also-rans...
Steve
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yep - but you also ran more than I did dear - na na na na nanah :))))))) Mind you, I like the theory, and it does work sometimes! Aren't we DREADFUL! ???
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Both the ways the dreams come true as the poet wishes it to happen, nice work done per specialised format, flow of thoughts is natural and spontaneous, soft and mild sentiment exposed, all happiness to come home, good visuals in this pleasant read work.
Upgraded to a Premium Author if I were!
02-43323 Reviews-Tuesday, 26 February 2013-ex Premium Author 62 All Time Best/R Works published -ex Rank # 1 Reviewer
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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Both the ways the dreams come true as the poet wishes it to happen, nice work done per specialised format, flow of thoughts is natural and spontaneous, soft and mild sentiment exposed, all happiness to come home, good visuals in this pleasant read work.
Upgraded to a Premium Author if I were!
02-43323 Reviews-Tuesday, 26 February 2013-ex Premium Author 62 All Time Best/R Works published -ex Rank # 1 Reviewer
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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Thank you.
Steve
Comment from softlyfalling
Do you really really LIVE in a cottage with blue shutters and a picket fence and hollyhocks in the garden?
Paradise...
Can I come over for tea?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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Do you really really LIVE in a cottage with blue shutters and a picket fence and hollyhocks in the garden?
Paradise...
Can I come over for tea?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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We do have hollyhocks, the cottage is becoming bluer every day and we're working on the rest. Not the first time we've created a dream cottage....
I'll just put the kettle on.
Steve
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Hello Steve...
I am envious. I love a warm bright morning when i can kneel in rich, moist soil and tend a garden. I love the scent, the feel, the sight...
I love tea spiced with oranges and cloves, no sugar please
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Waddya think I'm running here, girl, a fancy-schmancy hotel? There's some bergamot in the garden - you can chuck some of tht in your tea if you want to pollute it AND it'll be made with a tea bag! ;o)
Steve
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What's a tea bag? heh heh
I prefer my tea in a china cup as well, sir
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Bloody Hell! I suppose you crook yer little finger while yer drinking too.
Tea bag = the bag who makes the tea
...although Roger McGough says 'Tea-cher, the one who makes the tea.
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yes, i do....
come hither
closer
closer
closer
SMOOCH!
Comment from CR Delport
A very nice poem that is well written. I think one cant help but be happy in a cottage like that. Especially if you have someone special to share it with.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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A very nice poem that is well written. I think one cant help but be happy in a cottage like that. Especially if you have someone special to share it with.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2013
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Thank you.
Steve
