Shana's Valentine
A Love Story48 total reviews
Comment from EXMAN. nffc
Well it held me from start to finish and the ending was quite touching (not bad for a bloke eh?). I wondered at the glss smashing scene but I guess she might be a bit of a hot head and a tragic. I also thought the nurses keenness was quite out of order and I can't imagine any nurse not giving her a bit of space at that time.
Anyway, you did good with this one. Good luck with the comp.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Well it held me from start to finish and the ending was quite touching (not bad for a bloke eh?). I wondered at the glss smashing scene but I guess she might be a bit of a hot head and a tragic. I also thought the nurses keenness was quite out of order and I can't imagine any nurse not giving her a bit of space at that time.
Anyway, you did good with this one. Good luck with the comp.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2011
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Thank you. I thought the nurse was hovering. What a scoop if she could release the info to the media? It wasn't inferred, but ... Thanks, my friend, for your lovely review (especially for a bloke! LOL), and your good luck wishes. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
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Aha! Yes, now it makes sense,
Comment from Minglement
This was a very touching read and a great entry for the Valentines story contest. I think most of us love a happy ending, but I was kind of expecting a surprise. So in a way, you did surprise me with a happy ending. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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This was a very touching read and a great entry for the Valentines story contest. I think most of us love a happy ending, but I was kind of expecting a surprise. So in a way, you did surprise me with a happy ending. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Hey, what can I say? I was heading into another direction, then thought, "Well, it is Valentine's Day. It has to end happily!". So, here it is, my friend. Thanks for your review and generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
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LOL - Good choice. You're most welcome and do have a great Valentines Day. Marcia
Comment from Rama Rao
First, let me say I am your fan and admirer. I had always appreciated your writing and learnt many things from you. However, this story is not in your league, for it ran along a predictable track and was a bit too long. I couldn't believe I would find spags in your normally impeccable writings.
However, you need to fix the following.
1. Picking up the fluted champagne glass,
2. steaks on the grill, and made a side salad-comma not needed
3. in uproar-an uproar
4. She opened her umbrella, and they ran
5. drawing the curtain back, so -the nurse opened the curtain and motioned for
6. John's eyes were closed, and
7. for MRI and X-Ray result -reports
8. Surgery is being prepared now,and
9. to hear you, or he may not
10. and, for a moment,
11. personal belongings-personal redundant
12. She swayed forward,
13. when the accident occurred, as
14. of the side pockets, but felt something inside the jacket-comma not needed.
15. small, deep
I also think,
1.If he was held up, -were
2. She stroked his hand and felt a tear run down her cheek. She watched it drop onto the side of his pillow-a tear run down her cheek and drop on the pillow.
3. After she wiped the-had wiped
4. She let go and watched the orderlies wheel him-she let go and watched as the orderlies wheeled him.
5. In some cases where you used may it could be might.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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First, let me say I am your fan and admirer. I had always appreciated your writing and learnt many things from you. However, this story is not in your league, for it ran along a predictable track and was a bit too long. I couldn't believe I would find spags in your normally impeccable writings.
However, you need to fix the following.
1. Picking up the fluted champagne glass,
2. steaks on the grill, and made a side salad-comma not needed
3. in uproar-an uproar
4. She opened her umbrella, and they ran
5. drawing the curtain back, so -the nurse opened the curtain and motioned for
6. John's eyes were closed, and
7. for MRI and X-Ray result -reports
8. Surgery is being prepared now,and
9. to hear you, or he may not
10. and, for a moment,
11. personal belongings-personal redundant
12. She swayed forward,
13. when the accident occurred, as
14. of the side pockets, but felt something inside the jacket-comma not needed.
15. small, deep
I also think,
1.If he was held up, -were
2. She stroked his hand and felt a tear run down her cheek. She watched it drop onto the side of his pillow-a tear run down her cheek and drop on the pillow.
3. After she wiped the-had wiped
4. She let go and watched the orderlies wheel him-she let go and watched as the orderlies wheeled him.
5. In some cases where you used may it could be might.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Hi Ramarao. First, I agree with you, this story was way outside what I normally write, but the thought came through and I thought I would give it a try. Overall, for a romantic Valentine Day story, I was reasonably happy with the result.
Yes, it was toooooo long! It kept growing ... probably because it was outside my usual area of interest.
Thanks for your advice, I will go through with a fine tooth comb, my friend, and amend where I feel it appropriate.
I appreciate your support and feedback, and I promise to try and stick with areas of writing I am comfortable in. Although I do like to test the waters sometimes! LOL Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Connie C
What a sweet story--I was hoping John would make it through the surgery
and all would end happily. Thank you for that; it would have been really sad
to have lost him. Your story kept my interest all the way through with your
excellent use of dialogue and your ability to move the story along at a good
pace. Best of luck to you in the contest with this very fine story. Connie
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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What a sweet story--I was hoping John would make it through the surgery
and all would end happily. Thank you for that; it would have been really sad
to have lost him. Your story kept my interest all the way through with your
excellent use of dialogue and your ability to move the story along at a good
pace. Best of luck to you in the contest with this very fine story. Connie
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Connie, for your lovely observations and generous review. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
12 lines from end: [you're], (you)
You've done a great job of this dramatic romance Marieke. You are proving to be a versatile writer these days.
(Is it Braxton, or Branxholm?)
Good Job - Giddy
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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12 lines from end: [you're], (you)
You've done a great job of this dramatic romance Marieke. You are proving to be a versatile writer these days.
(Is it Braxton, or Branxholm?)
Good Job - Giddy
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Hi, Giddy, thank you for picking up on those. It is Braxton (I will correct). Thanks, my friend, for your generous review. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from adewpearl
You get inside the main character's thoughts and feelings most compellingly, Marijke - I can feel the anger, disappointment and self doubt in this woman as she wonders why she has been stood up.
What a lovely, poignant, romantic story this is. You show well that the most accomplished, famous person in the world can be totally vulnerable and need love and affirmation as much as the rest of us, and the relationship between these lovers is movingly portrayed, including their excellent dialogue :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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You get inside the main character's thoughts and feelings most compellingly, Marijke - I can feel the anger, disappointment and self doubt in this woman as she wonders why she has been stood up.
What a lovely, poignant, romantic story this is. You show well that the most accomplished, famous person in the world can be totally vulnerable and need love and affirmation as much as the rest of us, and the relationship between these lovers is movingly portrayed, including their excellent dialogue :-) Brooke
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Brooke, for your warm review and generous rating. Also for taking the time to read, it was rather long... Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from Laurie Clayton
Hello there, this is a lovely story, well written and an enjoyable read.
I do have a technical point for you to look into... I believe that when someone suffers severe head trauma/surgery, they are kept in an enforced coma (Heavy sedation) for a time after the event, to allow the swelling to go down, I'm not sure what the time span is, but I would imagine it to be a minimum of 36 hours.
I hope this helps.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Hello there, this is a lovely story, well written and an enjoyable read.
I do have a technical point for you to look into... I believe that when someone suffers severe head trauma/surgery, they are kept in an enforced coma (Heavy sedation) for a time after the event, to allow the swelling to go down, I'm not sure what the time span is, but I would imagine it to be a minimum of 36 hours.
I hope this helps.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Laurie, for your warm review and generous rating. The internal bleeding wasn't in the head, but the internal organs (maybe that wasn't clear?) Thanks for taking the time to read and review, it was rather long... Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
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I think I may have got hooked up on the 'head on collision' bit... still a great read and I will look out for more of your work.
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Thank you! No problem, it could easily have been misunderstood. I look forward to more of your reviews, and will have a look at your work. Regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from livingwords
Nicely done. The use of the star role was unusual. Making her sound and feel like a "normal" person was a good strategy. Good luck with the contest. Dan
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Nicely done. The use of the star role was unusual. Making her sound and feel like a "normal" person was a good strategy. Good luck with the contest. Dan
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Dan, for your warm review and generous rating. Also for taking the time to read, it was rather long... Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from lola29
Well, that was a compelling read. I think I forget to exhale a couple of times. I'm so relieved that John held on and made it though a very precarious time. Now, that's what I call a happy Valentine's Day.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Well, that was a compelling read. I think I forget to exhale a couple of times. I'm so relieved that John held on and made it though a very precarious time. Now, that's what I call a happy Valentine's Day.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Thank you, Lola, for your warm review and generous rating. Also for taking the time to read, it was rather long... Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
Comment from wiskas677@yandex.ru
Hi. This as an excellent piece. I found no spags, whatsoever. Its very romantic, dramatic, a good sense of tension, both with the romance itself, and the near death experience. I hope you win the contest
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Hi. This as an excellent piece. I found no spags, whatsoever. Its very romantic, dramatic, a good sense of tension, both with the romance itself, and the near death experience. I hope you win the contest
Comment Written 13-Feb-2011
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2011
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Wow! Thank you so much for your generous rating of this piece, my friend. And of course, for taking the time to read the rather long story - it kinda kept on growing! LOL :o)I truly appreciate your lovely comments and generous six star rating. You've put a big smile on my dial this morning! Warmest regards, Marijke :o0
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It was my pleasure...Nel
