Don't Follow Me Down
the lengths a tortured mind will go to24 total reviews
Comment from Cooper Watt
Hi Mike,
Wow. Solid, terrifying, and closer-to-reality than most people think, I would bet.
I made some notes and gentle suggestions as I read:
1) I watched as my tears descended from my vision and collected in the dead wells of her face. <--Not sure about this imagery. How do tears descend from vision? I would re-work with this sentence. Try: Tears poured from eyes and collected in the dead wells of her face.
2) Medusa, realised in gore. <--I like this--nice phrase.
3) I whispered, my hands clenching until my fingernails rent my palms, <--Hmm... Not sure what "rent" means here. Try: my hands clenching until fingernails pierced my palms.
4) Slitted eyes met mine, sharp with malevolent fervour <--Another great line. Bravo.
5) hollowed out building. <--This reads like a hollowed OUT building, but I think you mean a hollowed-out building.
As I said before, great job on this story. It's going to stay with me for a while....
Sincerely,
Coop.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Hi Mike,
Wow. Solid, terrifying, and closer-to-reality than most people think, I would bet.
I made some notes and gentle suggestions as I read:
1) I watched as my tears descended from my vision and collected in the dead wells of her face. <--Not sure about this imagery. How do tears descend from vision? I would re-work with this sentence. Try: Tears poured from eyes and collected in the dead wells of her face.
2) Medusa, realised in gore. <--I like this--nice phrase.
3) I whispered, my hands clenching until my fingernails rent my palms, <--Hmm... Not sure what "rent" means here. Try: my hands clenching until fingernails pierced my palms.
4) Slitted eyes met mine, sharp with malevolent fervour <--Another great line. Bravo.
5) hollowed out building. <--This reads like a hollowed OUT building, but I think you mean a hollowed-out building.
As I said before, great job on this story. It's going to stay with me for a while....
Sincerely,
Coop.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Coop, I'm glad you enjoyed the read and very grateful for your thoughts. I've fiddled with all those lines and I think it reads better now. Glad you enjoyed.
Mike
Comment from SteveG1960
What a powerful piece.Moving and entertaining; if disturbingly so! A good horror piece and definitely a bit of a cautionary tale. Well done! I can't think of any changes to suggest. Thanks for a thrilling , thought provoking read!
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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What a powerful piece.Moving and entertaining; if disturbingly so! A good horror piece and definitely a bit of a cautionary tale. Well done! I can't think of any changes to suggest. Thanks for a thrilling , thought provoking read!
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Steve, for the fantastic rating! I'm really glad the story worked for you. I wanted to mislead readers a little with this one, so the final scene hits home hard. You've made my day!
Mike
Comment from nigai
Curious. Well paced. The opening catches the readers attention immediately. You posit a delicate question of what is real. And even more importantly, to whom it is relevant. Everybody has a "tip" point, what was involuting (to come) is now evoluting (becoming). Having worked in pathology this is a curious outside in view!
Nigai
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Curious. Well paced. The opening catches the readers attention immediately. You posit a delicate question of what is real. And even more importantly, to whom it is relevant. Everybody has a "tip" point, what was involuting (to come) is now evoluting (becoming). Having worked in pathology this is a curious outside in view!
Nigai
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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I wanted to ground this in reality a lot more than my usual work, and I do enjoy exploring the boundaries of reality and perception, and the grey area between the two. Thank you for seeing into my story :-)
Mike
Comment from Loyd C. Taylor, Sr
Hello again Mike and just thought I would drop by and give you a big thumbs up on your writing. I apologize, I have so little time any more. A troubled mind seems to be the burden of a lot of people, even more so today in the USA. Have great day and I wish you the best in your work, LOyd
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reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Hello again Mike and just thought I would drop by and give you a big thumbs up on your writing. I apologize, I have so little time any more. A troubled mind seems to be the burden of a lot of people, even more so today in the USA. Have great day and I wish you the best in your work, LOyd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2010
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Thank you, Loyd. Your support is always very much appreciated. Good day to you, sir!
Mike
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You are welcome, LOyd
