Comment from Allezw2

Excellent

Lady barbara_wilkey,

Attractive people, married to each other, in a closed room with testosterone rampant, is a challenge for an author to present logically or control.

You have set up an intriguing face off between what might be an attractive man, drawn to the charms of an desirable woman, though tardily restricted by the newly defined limits of their morganatic union as she requests.

His reaction seems ambiguously aggressive and then supportive of her unreceptive stance in this forced relationship.

The first impression is that he is a fool gauging the situation solely on his perception and allied impulses, not the actual circumstance.

She cannot seem to establish any sense of control over her situation. It is a case where she says "no" and seems to indicate "maybe" when it should have remained a firm denunciation with no physical contact to inflame or encourage her attacker.

A slap is a pretty firm way to express disapproval, especially in such a sexually charged situation. If he is aggressive enough to ignore it, under the misconception that her "no" really means "yes", then we could progress to a violent physical encounter.

Instead, he apparently, and not very convincingly, reverts to a more passive and formal apologetic demeanor while scrambling to justify his actions.

This is a chapter that could be reviewed carefully with an eye to carefully choreographing their encounter. The dialog could follow more closely the actions.

Sometimes less is more, when carefully choosing a word to describe the scene.

Other than the run-on sentences, I believe this is an interesting premise. I will certainly read on to better ground the characters from the earlier chapters.

If you wish to reconsider, or have a question, please PM my address and I will certainly review my notes.

Live long and write well,

Fantasist http://www.fanstory.com/allezw2

For your consideration:

- "I can tell by your body language tells me aren't sure. Please tell me what you're thinking."

This might well be three separate sentences and therefore better focus the reader's understanding of your intent.

Not wishing to seem importunate or impertinent, may I suggest a revision somewhat in this fashion?

["I can tell] by [your body language tells me aren't sure.] [Please tell me what you're thinking."]

1. "I can tell. Your body language tells me {you} aren't sure. Please tell me what you're thinking.

- ["I know you don't approve of my style of dress], but [it's all I have], but [this is the only outfit I have clean."]

This seems so formal as to be almost stilted. Those with ESL are sometimes quite punctilious in their speech, and often fall back into the syntax of their native tongue. As such, it seems out of character to use the slang [outfit] when she is describing her clothes.

This sentence could be distilled into only a few words to convey your intent as well as illustrating her discomfort facing his ambiguous actions and uncertain of his intent.

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

I must have been correcting those as you read them. I had edited them and left some things out during the edit, but they are corrected now. Leya, although, Spanish is her native language was highly educated at some of the best English speaking girl's schools so English comes second nature to her and speaks it without an accent.

reply by Allezw2 on 20-Dec-2009

It is such a wrench to see an obvious error after you thought you had truly excised all of the goofs.

Then the scramble is on. to clear them before the readers get to them. At least you can disable them to get them away quickly. I edit the original in the word processor and then replace the FS copy. The problem then is quickly editing to recover the formatting.

Nicely done.

reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

I haven't found an easy way to do it. When I started FS, I did it that way, but it took too much time. So I edit on my post, but then I struggle with typos and my virus scan won't allow me to download FS spell check. It's a mess.

reply by Allezw2 on 20-Dec-2009

I use Word Perfect and the FS advanced editor. I mostly do the C and V exchange, though sometimes drag and drop by splitting the screen so both are on screen at the same time. Number one son says I should use two screens, since I usually work on a laptop with an auxiliary flat screen monitor, (10.5 versus 22, much easier to read and edit).

I might try that, however, with page tabbing, it's not that big a deal, thought there is something to be said about a quick glance compared to a couple of key strokes.

Comment from despiser

Excellent

Barbara
scuze me, be right back... Ah better. Leya's gotta get it on. Reads quite smooth, though I generally gravitate toward more action. Perhaps, if you 'show' those breasts, gramatically speaking. No spags found.

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

There's action coming up. It's either in my next post or the following on, I am not sure. It depends how long, I make my next post. The manuscript is complete, but I don't post in chapters because they are too long. I will correct the showing of the breasts. Thank you for your review.

Comment from Laidy

Excellent

i havent been on in a while but these chapters to "tantalizing eyes" always seem to get better and better. i liked reading. well written and reader gets sucked into the chapter. great job with this chapter, and I know I'll be reading the next

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Thank you for your kind review.

Comment from FredCollingwood

Excellent

Great story-very sexy and well written. A couple of very minor things you might look at:

As Steven leaves, Leya (asks,"Should) I come down > needs spacing.

You pranced into my office, with ...." > There should be no space before an ellipsis at the end of a sentence, and it should include sentence ending punctuation as you did earlier in this posting.

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Are you sure about the no space before the ellipsis? In my grammar books I am told there should be a space between the last word and the start of the ellipsis. Now, I wonder if that's one of those things, that it depends who you read. I guess I got careless with the final period. Thank you for your review.

reply by FredCollingwood on 20-Dec-2009

I'm never sure about the ellipsis. I've seen several rule variations. There are to be spaces berore and after ellipses EXCEPT at sentence ends. Some have the sentence ending punctuation at the end of the sentence and then the ellipsis; others have the ellipsis first. some have a space between the ellipsis and the period. Who knows? Here are what I've found to be most common.

Here's one:

"If the omission comes after the end of a sentence, the ellipsis will be placed after the period, making a total of four dots.... Notice that there is no space between the period and the last character of the sentence."

And another:

Four dots indicate that the omission, pause or unfinished thought is between sentences. The fourth dot is actually a period ending the sentence.

Another:

insert a space before and after the ellipsis if the omitted section is in the middle of the quotation;
insert a full-stop after the ellipsis if it occurs at the end of a sentence;


Who knows? I try to avoid them. Most people overuse them and/or use them improperly. Good luck.

reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Here's what my "Grammar Desk Reference" published by The Writer's Digest says, 'Ellipses have two important functions. First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate there are awkward pauses in the utterance.
***** The witness said, "She followed me into the stockroom and then pulled ..."*****
In such sentences, one blank space preceded the ellipses, but no blanck space separates the final period of the ellipses from the closing quotation mark. Furthermore, no addional period is added as terminal punctuation.'

So bottom line is...I don't have a clue what is correct. I guess I will let an editor figure it out.

reply by FredCollingwood on 20-Dec-2009

Neither do I.

Comment from L.lora

Excellent

typo='I can tell (by=but) your body language tells me aren't sure'

A truly fascinating and
exciting chapter. You've
written this excellently and
the storyline kept your reader
glued to the page. Can't wait
for the next post. Lora

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words and I will take care of the typo.

Comment from anabelle

Excellent

Another good chapter as the tension between Leya and Steven builds and they get closer and closer to falling in love. Hmmm..but is he telling the truth? And what does his statement actually mean? Is he talking about her top when he says this? Or, about something else?

Just one sentence seemed confusing: 'I can tell by your body language tells me aren't sure.'

The best of the holiday season to you.

Kind regards, anabelle

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Thank you for the review. I will recheck the sentence. I just edited, so I may have left something out.

Comment from fionageorge

Excellent

Another great chapter, with lots of action, moving at the right pace. The dialogue has been well interwoven and well written, further moving the story along and reinforcing he personalities of your characters.

The relationship which seems to be developing between Steven and Leyla is interesting, and the chapter finished just at the right place to make the reader want to turn the page over to the next chapter.

Warmest regards
Marijke

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Thank you for your kind words and the review.

Comment from Begin Again

Excellent

Barbara

I just love the tension between these two and how neither one of them knows or at least is willing to admit that "love" is part of their equation....Great job! Happy Holidays and enjoy your short vacation from school...Smiles, Carol

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Thank you for your review and kind words. It's always nice to hear from you.

Comment from ZeBestBlonde1

Excellent

Hello to you, I think your title Tantalizing Eyes is a good one.

You have a LOT of dialogue-for the most part, it's all very good. There's definitely attraction and passion between your characters and it comes across.

Great character names-ha..! Love Leya's

this reads like a very good romance/thriller-due to storyline and level of passion between all

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

Thank you fory your review. I apprecaite the kind word.

Comment from jadapenn

Excellent

This was a nice emotional chapter, with good interaction between Steven and Leya. He's going to have to buy her nice clothes so she can be the lady she is. Good thing Peggy didn't come across those breasts without cover.

Please check the following sentence: I don't quite catch it:-
"I can tell you don't believe I'm [not]??spying for my father. How could you think I'm trying to seduce you?"

Well written. luv jada

 Comment Written 20-Dec-2009

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reply by the author on 20-Dec-2009

I will recheck it. I apprecaite as always hearing from the original writing machine. Will be reading your next post, with bells on.