Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Chapter 3 Part 5"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
36 total reviews
Comment from DeRoseJ
This is a good chapt. You have done well setting the tone. It is decidedly suspensful. Good luck with it and I only found one error. "Steven tried to remember every conversation he'd on the phone." You need a "had" after he'd.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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This is a good chapt. You have done well setting the tone. It is decidedly suspensful. Good luck with it and I only found one error. "Steven tried to remember every conversation he'd on the phone." You need a "had" after he'd.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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So right. Thank you. I missed it.
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
Wow, what a "chilling" wedding--no warmth. So now they're married. What next? There are a few things I noticed:
Steven tried to remember every conversation he'd on the phone.
Steven tried to remember every conversation he had on the phone. --To leave it at "he'd" is too ambiguous as "he'd" can mean "he had" or "he would."
Hearing a come in,--Hearing a what??? What is "a"?
"You may now kiss the bride." Steven pecked
"You may now kiss the bride," Steven pecked--Need a comma after "bride" and not a period. To leave it a period makes it an incomplete sentence.
Once again, nice writing here, my friend. The wedding seememd a bit rushed, but I guess you needed to write it that way for the cold and impersonal effect, which you did wonderfully. Keep up the good work.
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reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Wow, what a "chilling" wedding--no warmth. So now they're married. What next? There are a few things I noticed:
Steven tried to remember every conversation he'd on the phone.
Steven tried to remember every conversation he had on the phone. --To leave it at "he'd" is too ambiguous as "he'd" can mean "he had" or "he would."
Hearing a come in,--Hearing a what??? What is "a"?
"You may now kiss the bride." Steven pecked
"You may now kiss the bride," Steven pecked--Need a comma after "bride" and not a period. To leave it a period makes it an incomplete sentence.
Once again, nice writing here, my friend. The wedding seememd a bit rushed, but I guess you needed to write it that way for the cold and impersonal effect, which you did wonderfully. Keep up the good work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Hearing a come in,--Hearing a what??? What is "a"? I copied this next sentence straight from my post:
"Hearing a helicopter overheard, he stared out the window and scratched the back of his neck. "Bob, would you meet the justice of the peace?"
"You may now kiss the bride," Steven pecked--Need a comma after "bride" and not a period. To leave it a period makes it an incomplete sentence. (Sorry to disagree, but it is dialogue and you can get away with fragments in dialogue. It needs to be a period because Steven pecked is not a speech tag. You only use comma's to indicate speech tags.
Comment from fictionwriter
Yeah, I'm not sure that this foots the bill, but no matter. It's the sort of marriage that they talked about. I hope she isn't leaking info. Great job.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Yeah, I'm not sure that this foots the bill, but no matter. It's the sort of marriage that they talked about. I hope she isn't leaking info. Great job.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Thank you for the review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from mjfande
Another excellent chapter. It's kind of short, but there isn't a lot to be said, so it works. I actually like that the wedding only takes up a few lines. It's supposed to be sort of like a business transaction, and that's about what it seems like in your writing. I say excellent job.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Another excellent chapter. It's kind of short, but there isn't a lot to be said, so it works. I actually like that the wedding only takes up a few lines. It's supposed to be sort of like a business transaction, and that's about what it seems like in your writing. I say excellent job.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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I wanted it to seem like a business transaction. I'm glad it worked.
Comment from adewpearl
I'll always loose - should be lose
We all know the reason he's so bothered by the peck of a kiss - because he deep down wants it to be so much more!!
I have a gut feeling Leya is one of the good guys and not the mole - I sure do hope I'm right :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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I'll always loose - should be lose
We all know the reason he's so bothered by the peck of a kiss - because he deep down wants it to be so much more!!
I have a gut feeling Leya is one of the good guys and not the mole - I sure do hope I'm right :-) Brooke
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Darn, I do that often. We'll see. Thank you for your review. I hope you know how much I appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Humrmeplz
Poor, poor Steven. I enjoyed this chapter and the perfection in your dialog. It is an easy and interesting read and I look forward to the next one.
Just a tiny nit for your consideration: "every conversation he'd on the phone."
Very well done!
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Poor, poor Steven. I enjoyed this chapter and the perfection in your dialog. It is an easy and interesting read and I look forward to the next one.
Just a tiny nit for your consideration: "every conversation he'd on the phone."
Very well done!
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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I already fixed that mistake. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Readywriter52
Steven and Geof are wondering where the leak is. Neither believe that it's one of the team. Steven and Leya got married in front of the justice of peace. Steven seems to have second thoughts about the wedding.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Steven and Geof are wondering where the leak is. Neither believe that it's one of the team. Steven and Leya got married in front of the justice of peace. Steven seems to have second thoughts about the wedding.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Poor Steven doesn't know what he wants or what he believes. Thank you for your review.
Comment from sfharper
Other than loose should be lose, this looks good. Good cliffhanger at the end. That is a very cold wedding. It makes me wonder why the men got to vote.
When Geoff asks for Steven, I wonder why he never reacts, is Geoff one of his men and injured? Wouldn't he feel bad or worried?
Good police organizational problem.
:)
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Other than loose should be lose, this looks good. Good cliffhanger at the end. That is a very cold wedding. It makes me wonder why the men got to vote.
When Geoff asks for Steven, I wonder why he never reacts, is Geoff one of his men and injured? Wouldn't he feel bad or worried?
Good police organizational problem.
:)
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Thank you for your review. I already fixed that mistake Geoff was overdosed on drugs, by a cartel member, but is doing better. The reason for the vote, it's an arranged marriage.
Comment from Freeflyer
This does not disappoint as it is all I expected their wedding to be. I still have a gut feeling we have much to learn about Leya.
Keep 'em coming.
Freeflyer
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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This does not disappoint as it is all I expected their wedding to be. I still have a gut feeling we have much to learn about Leya.
Keep 'em coming.
Freeflyer
Comment Written 24-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Leya is an interesting little number. Thank you for your review
Comment from nora arjuna
hi barb, another nice chapter though i thought the wedding part was rather brief. just returned from a trip myself and it's great to catch this - my 2nd read.
[Steven] scratched his head. - suggest to use 'He' here. We know it's Steven.
every conversation [he'd] on the phone - i think 'he had' sounds better.
"It's possible." [He] paused, then added, - use 'Steven' here at the start of his part, then here:
[Steven] held his breath - use 'He'
so his name won't be too close together when you used it again to start the next para.
Hearing a [']come in[']
Sitting at his desk with [his] head in his hands[,] he closed his eyes.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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hi barb, another nice chapter though i thought the wedding part was rather brief. just returned from a trip myself and it's great to catch this - my 2nd read.
[Steven] scratched his head. - suggest to use 'He' here. We know it's Steven.
every conversation [he'd] on the phone - i think 'he had' sounds better.
"It's possible." [He] paused, then added, - use 'Steven' here at the start of his part, then here:
[Steven] held his breath - use 'He'
so his name won't be too close together when you used it again to start the next para.
Hearing a [']come in[']
Sitting at his desk with [his] head in his hands[,] he closed his eyes.
Comment Written 24-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Hearing a [']come in[']
"I don't know where helicopter is. It's in my edit verson. You're the second person to tell me that. I'm going to check it out on what you read.
