Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Chapter 3 Part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
38 total reviews
Comment from fictionwriter
I believe the Italics work very well. I found the section nicely put together and all too alluring. I didn't see any thing to complain about. Well done.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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I believe the Italics work very well. I found the section nicely put together and all too alluring. I didn't see any thing to complain about. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Thank you for your review and your continued support.
Comment from jadapenn
Ooooh, hot stuff. This girl is quick and poor Steven is still trying to find his breath. I liked this, real cool and fast.
I'm sleeping on the edge of Namaqualand tonight. It's as hot as hell - so hold thumbs the heat lasts so the flowers are open when I get there. luv jada
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Ooooh, hot stuff. This girl is quick and poor Steven is still trying to find his breath. I liked this, real cool and fast.
I'm sleeping on the edge of Namaqualand tonight. It's as hot as hell - so hold thumbs the heat lasts so the flowers are open when I get there. luv jada
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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I'm jealous. I may come and live with you so I can actually see all this wonderful stuff you write about.
Comment from jackiesmuse
I haven't read any other chapters, but this held my interest and made me want to read the next one. No errors jumped out at me, but I was caught up in the read [a good thing] so I wasn't looking too closely.
:-) Jackie
FYI:The italic in the second-to the-last paragrpah are in a different size font.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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I haven't read any other chapters, but this held my interest and made me want to read the next one. No errors jumped out at me, but I was caught up in the read [a good thing] so I wasn't looking too closely.
:-) Jackie
FYI:The italic in the second-to the-last paragrpah are in a different size font.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Just be happy I had italic. This is my third novel I have posted here and the first time I got the italic in. I struggle with computers. Thank you for the review
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I hear you! :-)
Comment from Shane Marquardt
The italics do work, and so does the chapter. Good job.
I left a few suggestions for you.
Leya watched from the corner of the room while Michael and Bob cared for Geoff. Tears rolled down her cheeks. "What happened? Will he be all right?" (I edited this a bit, see what you think)
Steven opened the door. Less than five-feet from him stood Leya wearing the matching red lace bra and thong set she'd held up at the mall. She turned a complete circle."Do you like what you see?" (edited this a bit)
(He needed to put an end to this seduction before he succumbed.) The sweet, floral, fragrance of Leya's perfume melted Steven's resistance. His body betrayed him as it automatically responded to her advances. When he felt her hesitate and step back, he opened his eyes and realized she'd felt his arousal. (I edited this a bit, placing one sentence in front of the others)
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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The italics do work, and so does the chapter. Good job.
I left a few suggestions for you.
Leya watched from the corner of the room while Michael and Bob cared for Geoff. Tears rolled down her cheeks. "What happened? Will he be all right?" (I edited this a bit, see what you think)
Steven opened the door. Less than five-feet from him stood Leya wearing the matching red lace bra and thong set she'd held up at the mall. She turned a complete circle."Do you like what you see?" (edited this a bit)
(He needed to put an end to this seduction before he succumbed.) The sweet, floral, fragrance of Leya's perfume melted Steven's resistance. His body betrayed him as it automatically responded to her advances. When he felt her hesitate and step back, he opened his eyes and realized she'd felt his arousal. (I edited this a bit, placing one sentence in front of the others)
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Loved your edits. Thank you.
Comment from Mariea
Another good chapter Barbara. Characters and dialogue are still consistent without any clutter. I'm looking forward to finding out what Leya is up to.
have a great day
Regards Mia
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Another good chapter Barbara. Characters and dialogue are still consistent without any clutter. I'm looking forward to finding out what Leya is up to.
have a great day
Regards Mia
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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This lady has an agenda and Steven is part of it. Thank you for your review.
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Is she really a badey?
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No, but that's all I'll say. I want you to read more.
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Mean you. I'd read it anyway.
Hugs Mia
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I like how you had work every detail about the surrounds, and enjoyed a lot the erotic description of Leya's seduction of Steve.
Very good work!
:)
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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I like how you had work every detail about the surrounds, and enjoyed a lot the erotic description of Leya's seduction of Steve.
Very good work!
:)
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from empire76
One point for you. You figured out how to use the italics function. Did you use the html code or advanced editor
Leya isn't going to make things easy for Steven is she? Will be interesting to see how the story progresses from here. Will he fall or flee?
One thing:
- Wearing the matching red lace bra and thong set she'd held up at the mall, she turned a complete circle.
I think this will be stronger if it is placed in the previous line. That is, before she asks if he likes what he sees.
E
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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One point for you. You figured out how to use the italics function. Did you use the html code or advanced editor
Leya isn't going to make things easy for Steven is she? Will be interesting to see how the story progresses from here. Will he fall or flee?
One thing:
- Wearing the matching red lace bra and thong set she'd held up at the mall, she turned a complete circle.
I think this will be stronger if it is placed in the previous line. That is, before she asks if he likes what he sees.
E
Comment Written 01-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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html key. Changing the order is in the works. Someone else pointed it out.
Comment from Joan E.
Yes, the italics work perfectly for Steven's thoughts, as did your very erotic description of Leya's seduction of him. I can't imagine his resisting at the beginning of the next chapter!
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Yes, the italics work perfectly for Steven's thoughts, as did your very erotic description of Leya's seduction of him. I can't imagine his resisting at the beginning of the next chapter!
Comment Written 31-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2009
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Just wait and see. Leya reveals for plans for Steven. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Jeedifan
Wow, I walked in a firestorm this time. *sigh* um, ok. A couple of things are problematic here.
First (and I put this down to the fact that I just picked up the story but what is going on?). Who the heck is injured? What are said injuries? and what do they look like? I'm lost in a white room with little to nothing to go on besides that the fact that someone is injured--badly enough to cause concern, but with no details as to the nature of the injury (you may have covered this earlier in the story, but it doesn't hurt to reestablish context).
The second issue here is the time break (or rather what comes after the time break). I don't for the life of me (and as before I'm probably missing context) why this Steve character is at Leya's door? Is the social visit? Or he looking for information on something? You fill in the blank, but I certainly don't know and I cannot make the connect it and the previous section (again this may be just context, but...*shrug*)
The fact he walked in on her was partially dressed (or less so if I understand the situation correctly) did not sit well with me either, but that's my personal issue and not really related to the story. If were me in that situation I'd turn tail and bolt, but everyone reacts to situations differently so I won't spend anymore time on it.
Interesting chapter (or part of chapter I guess), but it needs more details and description to achieve coherence and flow. Right now, it's choppy and confusing, but I see potential in it. Keep at it ^.^
-Jeedifan
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2009
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Wow, I walked in a firestorm this time. *sigh* um, ok. A couple of things are problematic here.
First (and I put this down to the fact that I just picked up the story but what is going on?). Who the heck is injured? What are said injuries? and what do they look like? I'm lost in a white room with little to nothing to go on besides that the fact that someone is injured--badly enough to cause concern, but with no details as to the nature of the injury (you may have covered this earlier in the story, but it doesn't hurt to reestablish context).
The second issue here is the time break (or rather what comes after the time break). I don't for the life of me (and as before I'm probably missing context) why this Steve character is at Leya's door? Is the social visit? Or he looking for information on something? You fill in the blank, but I certainly don't know and I cannot make the connect it and the previous section (again this may be just context, but...*shrug*)
The fact he walked in on her was partially dressed (or less so if I understand the situation correctly) did not sit well with me either, but that's my personal issue and not really related to the story. If were me in that situation I'd turn tail and bolt, but everyone reacts to situations differently so I won't spend anymore time on it.
Interesting chapter (or part of chapter I guess), but it needs more details and description to achieve coherence and flow. Right now, it's choppy and confusing, but I see potential in it. Keep at it ^.^
-Jeedifan
Comment Written 31-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2009
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I'm very sorry you didn' like it.
Comment from Arkine
Yeah, he needs to high-tail it out of there right now. I seriously doubt that sex is the only thing she's after. She's starting to seem more like a plant. Nice chapter! :)
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2009
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Yeah, he needs to high-tail it out of there right now. I seriously doubt that sex is the only thing she's after. She's starting to seem more like a plant. Nice chapter! :)
Comment Written 31-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2009
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In my next post Leya will reveal what she's after. Thank you for your review.
