The Boat
A 5-7-5 poetry contest entry.214 total reviews
Comment from Norbanus
As often is the case with tales in verse,
your POEM shows a picture fair and clear.
But some of us, whose thoughts are muddle worse
may find our battered muses cringe in fear.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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As often is the case with tales in verse,
your POEM shows a picture fair and clear.
But some of us, whose thoughts are muddle worse
may find our battered muses cringe in fear.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Quite funny, a poem in response to mine?
So now here I am, responding to such in kind
"what are you doing?" you stopped and pondered to ask
I huff "simply making poetry," and I sip from my wine glass.
(I don't actually drink wine)
Comment from allborn66
You nailed the form. It is a thought-provoking poem, but I'm still not certain what the theme is. Did you arrive at the pier, or are you stuck at the pier?
Barbara
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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You nailed the form. It is a thought-provoking poem, but I'm still not certain what the theme is. Did you arrive at the pier, or are you stuck at the pier?
Barbara
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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I'm stuck at the pier, like in a moment in time when I don't know where to go or where I'm at, that's what I was wanting to capture. :P thank you for your generous review!
Comment from Ducorse
Very cool, great picture selection as well. It is very thought provoking, just the sort of thing I enjoy. Best of luck in the contest.
Thanks for a great read.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Very cool, great picture selection as well. It is very thought provoking, just the sort of thing I enjoy. Best of luck in the contest.
Thanks for a great read.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Thanks for the five! :P
Comment from kiwijenny
It's like finding yourself with no oars.........and oh no where do I go now......
Well done..........stone still, on the pier......................launching into the unknown is scary .....................................................
God bless
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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It's like finding yourself with no oars.........and oh no where do I go now......
Well done..........stone still, on the pier......................launching into the unknown is scary .....................................................
God bless
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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thank you for the wonderful rating! :P I appreciate it!
- G
Comment from Ridley Williams
Nice, thoughtful little write. Although, if I'm on the peer asking how did I get here, chances are my minds not exactly clear, on my methods to steer, he he. Nice job on this one. Good luck in the contest, Ridley
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Nice, thoughtful little write. Although, if I'm on the peer asking how did I get here, chances are my minds not exactly clear, on my methods to steer, he he. Nice job on this one. Good luck in the contest, Ridley
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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thanks i appreciate the review and the 5 :P
- Gabriel
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Stone still, on the pier, 'stoned' perhaps?
Yet I know not how to steer, hallucinating?
How did I get here? "
Makes some sense but still obtuse although it meets all strictures.
Regards:
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Stone still, on the pier, 'stoned' perhaps?
Yet I know not how to steer, hallucinating?
How did I get here? "
Makes some sense but still obtuse although it meets all strictures.
Regards:
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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:P its more of a picture of being inadequate and your paralyzed not knowing what to do. That's why the man in the photo is holding his hands out.
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Dear G: Welcome to the wonderful world of FS and may you prosper because of it. Sometimes clarity is needed to better express a poem. You know what it means because you wrote it, but does the reader? A good poem is self explanatory, if not the work is like 'pearls thrown before swine'.
With Respect:
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I really just left it open for speculation, ill add my personal opinion, i just didn't want to cripple the imaginations of fanstory reviewers.(most people who read it have given it 5 stars and know what im trying to say.)
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Dear Gabe: You'll soon find out that stars mean nothing if the reviewer has not tried to help out by asking questions, given examples of what is 'right'. Remember that in FS $ talks. Write something too long worth 2 cents and it will never reach all time status. Also beware of reviewer who take pleasure in giving a 3...AVALON comes to mind. With that said, keep at it. The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire.
With Respect: Steve C
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Wow, that's really good advice man... :P thank you
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yeah I got a 3 star reviewer. :P trying to change his mind though :P I have gotten a few six stars and the only thing I can hope for is to get an all time best.
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he thought it was a haiku... >.>
Comment from Janice Canerdy
You have made very effective use of every syllable in this thought-provoking poem about how we sometimes follow a course with vigor and confidence only to reach a point of self-questioning: "Why did I choose this route? What do I do now? HELP!" Very good!
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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You have made very effective use of every syllable in this thought-provoking poem about how we sometimes follow a course with vigor and confidence only to reach a point of self-questioning: "Why did I choose this route? What do I do now? HELP!" Very good!
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much for this generous review. Six stars! :P you made my day. That is exactly the direction I was trying to go with this poem! I got a three stars from a guy who thought I meant it literally. (and he said my poem was supposed to be a haiku without a rhyme scheme, but it was a 5-7-5 competition.)
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do you mind if I use your poem look in my writers description?
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I get that a lot. I'll post a 5-7-5, indentify as such in the description line, and get responses that my HAIKU or SENRYU isn't properly written! Janice
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I KNOW! its like you just wanna *raises frying pan* baaang them across the head! im going for all time best, that would be soooooo awesome if I could have it. :P
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Use it how? (I'm a little dense sometimes! LOL) Janice
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Just to describe it to my new readers (i have it on the featured page now! second from the bottom, you found the words to describe it flawlessly, thought-provoking in the moment when you are asking where am I? that.
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Oh, I see. Yes, that's fine. As a matter of fact, I am honored! Janice
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:P Honored? :P thanks.
Comment from JMUwrites
After reading your poem "The Boat" over a few times now, I believe I'm getting the gist of what you're getting at with it...but I can't be 100% sure. Reason being, I believe the word "yet" that you've begun the 2nd line with to perhaps be an inappropriate choice there...actually causing some confusion for the reader. What has caused you to be "stone still on the pier" and at the same time be questioning "how did I get here"? Especially if you, "know not how to steer"? (did you crash into it or did someone else row or motor the boat to the pier?)
Your syllable counts are right on (5-7-5) and the photo appropriate, though use of an (a,a,a) rhyme scheme is not appropriate for Senryu Haiku...the lines should in fact be non-rhyming.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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After reading your poem "The Boat" over a few times now, I believe I'm getting the gist of what you're getting at with it...but I can't be 100% sure. Reason being, I believe the word "yet" that you've begun the 2nd line with to perhaps be an inappropriate choice there...actually causing some confusion for the reader. What has caused you to be "stone still on the pier" and at the same time be questioning "how did I get here"? Especially if you, "know not how to steer"? (did you crash into it or did someone else row or motor the boat to the pier?)
Your syllable counts are right on (5-7-5) and the photo appropriate, though use of an (a,a,a) rhyme scheme is not appropriate for Senryu Haiku...the lines should in fact be non-rhyming.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Its not a haiku, in fact it was just a little idea that I made up for the 5-7-5 contest, it says I can use photos and rhyming is optional. As for the gist of the poem, the picture I'm trying to create, or the thing that I see is stone still meaning you are immobilized by the daunting idea of trying to approach a thing that you are completely new at. (such as my trying a new site for poetry) its the idea of going and getting stuck in a situation in which you now see that you are overwhelmed by a lack of skill or knowledge. It truly is up to the reader to decide what the idea of the poem is, I leave it open for interpretation. maybe now that you have seen by what I meant I can get a four star? :P
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"A 5-7-5 follows the structure of a Haiku but without any limitation to the topic. While a Senryu, is primarily concerned with human nature. A Haiku, primarily concerned with physical nature. A 5-7-5 poem is a free form with the only limitation being the syllable count." This was copied from the 5-7-5 competition rules, you can check them yourself if you go to the poems page again, in the very top above the photo. It says the name and below it, there is a 5-7-5 poem contest entry.
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Yes I do see that now Gabrieltheswifter and thanks for steering me back to it. I am aware that there's no steadfast rule as to whether or not Haiku should rhyme...original Japanese Haiku did not, whereas modern English Haiku promotes 1st and 3rd line rhyme, giving them almost a jingle quality. I'm going to read more of your work, I've got a feeling that I'm going to be glad that I did...I can tell there's a good deal of creativity behind it!
Comment from Leineco
Interesting series of questions here -
why stone still.....statuesque? unbudging? heartless? meditating? perhaps a d was dropped? Or maybe Stone is just a name!
which pier....the one/type pictured? a pillar? the span of wall between doors or windows?
steer....is wide open! so many ways to navigate!!
and of course...the final line.... what causes the confusion/amnesia?
Here's my read...
Stone missed the boat
the driver of the boat can't figure out how to get back to the pier (maybe he lost his sextant)
That's why he doesn't know how he got where ever he is...he can't read a nautical map, and doesn't know the way to steer home.
LOL...reader's prerogative :-}
Thanks for the entertainment :-)
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Interesting series of questions here -
why stone still.....statuesque? unbudging? heartless? meditating? perhaps a d was dropped? Or maybe Stone is just a name!
which pier....the one/type pictured? a pillar? the span of wall between doors or windows?
steer....is wide open! so many ways to navigate!!
and of course...the final line.... what causes the confusion/amnesia?
Here's my read...
Stone missed the boat
the driver of the boat can't figure out how to get back to the pier (maybe he lost his sextant)
That's why he doesn't know how he got where ever he is...he can't read a nautical map, and doesn't know the way to steer home.
LOL...reader's prerogative :-}
Thanks for the entertainment :-)
Comment Written 18-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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LOL you really analyzed this much more than I originally intended it to be. I liked your review and your perspective on what I wrote! so unique and fresh!
Comment from Glasstruth
LOL. Sounds like a blackout. The hangover is you're on the pier wondering, "How did I get here?" Life is a mystery. Good luck with the contest. Les
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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LOL. Sounds like a blackout. The hangover is you're on the pier wondering, "How did I get here?" Life is a mystery. Good luck with the contest. Les
Comment Written 18-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
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Thanks, readers choice. :P
