Luna's Form Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Music"a place to gather my poetic forms
45 total reviews
Comment from Thal1959
Very charming and enjoyable. The meter is off in places, indeed, even though the lines are almost always 8 syllables in length. This is one of those rare instances where the foot of the line is insufficient to maintain the rhythm because of a broken grammar.
"My music takes me anywhere," ( my- MU-sic -TAKES -me -ANy -WHERE.)
This is a basic 8 syllable tetrameter where the capitalized letters and words indicate stress, which renders a smooth beat of four.
"the ship I ride to leave my cares" ( tetrameter is intact here, too.)
---but---
"and worries. For hours I languish ~"
The rhythm crashes here. The words, "and worries" are part of the previous sentence. The mind tries to read them in conjunction with the previous line where they grammatically belong. But the previous line, 8 syllables and 4 beats in its tetrameter, is rhythmically complete. So the first words of the third line, "and worries," mentally stands alone, or at least trying to initiate a tetrameter for the third line. But the mind cannot help but read them as the close of the previous line, so it read "and worries" and stops hard, especially with the period which closes the sentence and signals the rhythm has ended. Then, "For hours I languish ~" grammatically starts a new sentence, and the mind tries to initiate a new beat tetrameter beat in sync with the previous lines, but "For hours I languish ~" is only 5 syllables long, so it falls short.
As I said, Luna, this is a case where breaking a sentence in the middle of a line grammatically defeats the intended rhythm. Our minds try to read in complete sentences, and we tend to "stop" reading when we see that period. When a thought is continued through 2 or more lines in a stanza, it is called enjambment. But this is not enjambment... it is broken grammar. Read the sentence in question: "the ship I ride to leave my cares and worries." The sentence dangles like a participle... the ship does what? So, between the broken sentence between lines 2 and 3, and the fact that the sentence is clumsy, the rhythm hits a wall.
Since I have gone this far, I might as well finish it. Consider this stanza from the Lord of the Rings:
"The Dwarves of yore made mighty spells,
while hammers fell like ringing bells,
in places deep, where dark things sleep,
in hollow halls beneath the fells."
This is one, enjambed sentence. But each line is, in essence, a complete thought. They relate to each other, but are not mere fragments. Each line has 8 syllables and a sound tetrameter beat, so the commas signal the split-second mental pause between the start and completion of each lines meter.
Sorry, if I bored you on this one, Luna.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Very charming and enjoyable. The meter is off in places, indeed, even though the lines are almost always 8 syllables in length. This is one of those rare instances where the foot of the line is insufficient to maintain the rhythm because of a broken grammar.
"My music takes me anywhere," ( my- MU-sic -TAKES -me -ANy -WHERE.)
This is a basic 8 syllable tetrameter where the capitalized letters and words indicate stress, which renders a smooth beat of four.
"the ship I ride to leave my cares" ( tetrameter is intact here, too.)
---but---
"and worries. For hours I languish ~"
The rhythm crashes here. The words, "and worries" are part of the previous sentence. The mind tries to read them in conjunction with the previous line where they grammatically belong. But the previous line, 8 syllables and 4 beats in its tetrameter, is rhythmically complete. So the first words of the third line, "and worries," mentally stands alone, or at least trying to initiate a tetrameter for the third line. But the mind cannot help but read them as the close of the previous line, so it read "and worries" and stops hard, especially with the period which closes the sentence and signals the rhythm has ended. Then, "For hours I languish ~" grammatically starts a new sentence, and the mind tries to initiate a new beat tetrameter beat in sync with the previous lines, but "For hours I languish ~" is only 5 syllables long, so it falls short.
As I said, Luna, this is a case where breaking a sentence in the middle of a line grammatically defeats the intended rhythm. Our minds try to read in complete sentences, and we tend to "stop" reading when we see that period. When a thought is continued through 2 or more lines in a stanza, it is called enjambment. But this is not enjambment... it is broken grammar. Read the sentence in question: "the ship I ride to leave my cares and worries." The sentence dangles like a participle... the ship does what? So, between the broken sentence between lines 2 and 3, and the fact that the sentence is clumsy, the rhythm hits a wall.
Since I have gone this far, I might as well finish it. Consider this stanza from the Lord of the Rings:
"The Dwarves of yore made mighty spells,
while hammers fell like ringing bells,
in places deep, where dark things sleep,
in hollow halls beneath the fells."
This is one, enjambed sentence. But each line is, in essence, a complete thought. They relate to each other, but are not mere fragments. Each line has 8 syllables and a sound tetrameter beat, so the commas signal the split-second mental pause between the start and completion of each lines meter.
Sorry, if I bored you on this one, Luna.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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You didn't bore me at all, Thal. After all, I asked for suggestions in the Notes. Thank you for these and I hope to hear from you again soon!
love and light,
jeni
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It was my pleasure, Luna.
Comment from Janelle
This is a beautiful poem Luna, I enjoyed it very much. I read it as a soft melody; of someone finding peace in listening to music played by a loved one who understands your need to escape. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son Mickie. I have also been away from Fanstory for a couple of years, returning yesterday. My heart goes out to you.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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This is a beautiful poem Luna, I enjoyed it very much. I read it as a soft melody; of someone finding peace in listening to music played by a loved one who understands your need to escape. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son Mickie. I have also been away from Fanstory for a couple of years, returning yesterday. My heart goes out to you.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Janelle! I remember you well and it's lovely to hear from you. Yes, Mickey died two years ago this past January 8th. I just keep praying for his sister who has the same problem he had and could overdose and die at any time.
I'm so glad that you enjoyed my poem, and even happier that you've returned to FanStory!
Comment from Janet Foor
Music can sooth and transport us anywhere and leave our worries behind us.
Excellent artwork to add to the Visio. And lovely imsgery in the quatern.
Well done.
Blessings.
Janet
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Music can sooth and transport us anywhere and leave our worries behind us.
Excellent artwork to add to the Visio. And lovely imsgery in the quatern.
Well done.
Blessings.
Janet
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thanks! I'm happy that you enjoyed this poem. I appreciate your review.
love and light,
jeni
Comment from Dawn Munro
I love the quatern, and you've used it so creatively here - quite the imagery evoked by these: "the ship I ride to leave my cares and worries..." and , "I sail above the moon and stars..." Very lovely. :)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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I love the quatern, and you've used it so creatively here - quite the imagery evoked by these: "the ship I ride to leave my cares and worries..." and , "I sail above the moon and stars..." Very lovely. :)
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thanks! I'm happy that you enjoyed this poem. I appreciate your review.
love and light,
jeni
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It was a pleasure, Jeni. Dawn
Comment from Lu Saluna
This is a wonderful piece of poetry about how music can take you anywhere you want to go. Music is magical and can transform a generation for generations. It can cause chaos or bring peace. A beautiful poem and I love the rhyme.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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This is a wonderful piece of poetry about how music can take you anywhere you want to go. Music is magical and can transform a generation for generations. It can cause chaos or bring peace. A beautiful poem and I love the rhyme.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thanks! I'm happy that you enjoyed this poem. I appreciate your review.
love and light,
jeni
Comment from rjuselius
this is a beautiful piece of poetry dear jeni! i think the format is interesting and takes skill to write. i've tries this before and i can honestly say it took me a while.
thank you fro sharing!
blessings!
rebekka x
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this is a beautiful piece of poetry dear jeni! i think the format is interesting and takes skill to write. i've tries this before and i can honestly say it took me a while.
thank you fro sharing!
blessings!
rebekka x
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
Comment from Teri7
This is a very good and interesting poem you have penned for the Quatern contest. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery! Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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This is a very good and interesting poem you have penned for the Quatern contest. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery! Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thanks! I'm happy that you enjoyed this poem. I appreciate your review.
love and light,
jeni
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you are so welcome!
Comment from tfawcus
I liked the tone of this and the metaphor for music as the boat that can take you sailing anywhere. Much of your poem is in iambic measure and I am presuming from your author note that this is the rhythm you are aiming for. There are a few lines that would need amending to make the rhythm consistent. I've listed them below with suggestions in brackets of alternative constructions that maintain the rhythm.:
"and worries. For hours I languish ~
my waterfall, blue and stylish"
(and languid hours I spend enthrall ~
my blue and stylish waterfall)
"Most beautiful songfests we share."
(delightful feasts of song we share)
"I felt it and said, "Why not I?""
(I felt it, saying, "Why not I?")
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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I liked the tone of this and the metaphor for music as the boat that can take you sailing anywhere. Much of your poem is in iambic measure and I am presuming from your author note that this is the rhythm you are aiming for. There are a few lines that would need amending to make the rhythm consistent. I've listed them below with suggestions in brackets of alternative constructions that maintain the rhythm.:
"and worries. For hours I languish ~
my waterfall, blue and stylish"
(and languid hours I spend enthrall ~
my blue and stylish waterfall)
"Most beautiful songfests we share."
(delightful feasts of song we share)
"I felt it and said, "Why not I?""
(I felt it, saying, "Why not I?")
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you for your kind review and suggestions, as I did ask for suggestions in my
Author's notes. I'll take a look at the poem and see what I can do.
Thanks again,
jeni
Comment from GWinterwin
Yes music is like movies in the respect of taking us away for a moment. Very good word flow along with rhyming make it easy to read and relate to. Good job, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Yes music is like movies in the respect of taking us away for a moment. Very good word flow along with rhyming make it easy to read and relate to. Good job, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thanks! I'm happy that you enjoyed this poem. I appreciate your review.
love and light,
jeni
Comment from Jackarrie
Hi jeni I like your poem with a well chosen repeated line.Lucy the 3million year old fossil was called Lucy because of that song.well done . Mary
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Hi jeni I like your poem with a well chosen repeated line.Lucy the 3million year old fossil was called Lucy because of that song.well done . Mary
Comment Written 18-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
-
Thanks! I'm happy that you enjoyed this poem. I appreciate your review.
love and light,
jeni
