Tin Cup
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Almost An Orphan"An American Civil War vet heads west.
12 total reviews
Comment from thonnigford09
This was great. I would like to read more and see if the Helga and her man get together. Well, I think this was well written and could find no errors here. Thanks and I would recommend this. thonnigford09
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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This was great. I would like to read more and see if the Helga and her man get together. Well, I think this was well written and could find no errors here. Thanks and I would recommend this. thonnigford09
Comment Written 29-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Thank you for reading and for your feedback.
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No Problem:)
Comment from mfowler
This is a complex tale you're weaving here. As I enter this as a newbie reader, I will confine myself to what I've found.
The setting feels very authentic and some nice descriptions give me a sense of place: I walked across the little clearing, where the cabin nestled up against a small hill, towards the sound of a stream I could hear coming from a stand of aspens. The noise of water flowing over rocks grew louder as I approached the spring, but other sounds attracted my attention as I began to hear splashing and the lovely trill of a woman's laugh.
This section was filled with audible and visible imagery that connected to the imagination.
The scene where Helga is revealed is really good, quite believable and sensual. I'd tone the amount of stupor he felt as it got a bit repetitive:I stood, stunned, for what felt like hours, but could only have been a moment. and then ... After standing in a stupor, like a man who'd lost his wits.
I liked the emotional connection to sexual attraction and sense of guilt: I knew that I shouldn't have stared at her like that. After all, her father had saved my life, taken me in, shared his food and shelter with me, but I could not help myself.
All of these elements give the chapter an enjoyable feel, but it took a while to get to it. Earlier sections of the chapter give back story via dream and information sharing. There were good opportunities to SHOW these elements and keep the reader connected eg The dream sequence could have been played out to some extent showing character and circumstance in action.
The note was another place where a copy of the note would have enlivened the sequence rather than just telling us she did it and what she asked. The exact note would have showed it.
I don't like to critique too strongly if I don't know the writer, but there were some clear examples of what I meant for me to expand on. I hope you find the suggestions useful.
The story sounds like a good one and you know how to engage when you make it real as explained early on in this review.
SPAGs:
Hays crossing ... suggest ... Hays Crossing (proper noun)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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This is a complex tale you're weaving here. As I enter this as a newbie reader, I will confine myself to what I've found.
The setting feels very authentic and some nice descriptions give me a sense of place: I walked across the little clearing, where the cabin nestled up against a small hill, towards the sound of a stream I could hear coming from a stand of aspens. The noise of water flowing over rocks grew louder as I approached the spring, but other sounds attracted my attention as I began to hear splashing and the lovely trill of a woman's laugh.
This section was filled with audible and visible imagery that connected to the imagination.
The scene where Helga is revealed is really good, quite believable and sensual. I'd tone the amount of stupor he felt as it got a bit repetitive:I stood, stunned, for what felt like hours, but could only have been a moment. and then ... After standing in a stupor, like a man who'd lost his wits.
I liked the emotional connection to sexual attraction and sense of guilt: I knew that I shouldn't have stared at her like that. After all, her father had saved my life, taken me in, shared his food and shelter with me, but I could not help myself.
All of these elements give the chapter an enjoyable feel, but it took a while to get to it. Earlier sections of the chapter give back story via dream and information sharing. There were good opportunities to SHOW these elements and keep the reader connected eg The dream sequence could have been played out to some extent showing character and circumstance in action.
The note was another place where a copy of the note would have enlivened the sequence rather than just telling us she did it and what she asked. The exact note would have showed it.
I don't like to critique too strongly if I don't know the writer, but there were some clear examples of what I meant for me to expand on. I hope you find the suggestions useful.
The story sounds like a good one and you know how to engage when you make it real as explained early on in this review.
SPAGs:
Hays crossing ... suggest ... Hays Crossing (proper noun)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for your extensive and insightful review. I appreciate the feedback and suggestions.
