Comment from Loren (7)

Excellent

Nice job with the Tanka. It is interesting how certain seasons can bring about a certain rhyme and rhythm to our thoughts and words. As your poem suggests the season brought is a beautiful sense of peace. Loren

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Loren.

Steve

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

The Tanka form baffles me. I'm still learning and discovering the rules. I thought the tanka syllable scheme is to be 5-7-5-7-7 yet yours is 5-7-4-8-7. Is that like the haiku where you can move the syllable count around as long as you end up with 31?

Nice theme and picture :)

Best wishes in this contest!

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Joy.

In fine FanStory tradition, the instructions they give are baffling. I've followed a very general short-long-short-long-long format - the rules say almost anything is acceptable!

Steve

Comment from Just2Write

Excellent

Gorgeous, Steve. A lovely entry for the contest, and a beautiful poem to brighten my day.
Great pivot line, and nice use of personification and metaphor.
Line 3 = 4 syllables.
Line 4 = 8 syllables. The rules in this contest do allow you to do that - as long as your maintain short/long/short/long/long format, which you do.
I'd leave line 3 as it is - but IF you wanted to use only 7 for line 4- Here's a suggestion:
dancing against my shutters

Completely your decision to change or not.
Rose.

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Rose.

I've never seen a set of guidelines quite so confusing and lenient! I'm happy with the piece as it stands and, as you say, the shorts and longs are in the right place.

Steve

Comment from humpwhistle

Exceptional

What wind is this? I like this question. It points to the 'lonely heart'.
I tend to be a romantic, Steve. I think you're giving the wind and leaves
the persona of someone you recently lost. Okay, no one ever called me a genius.
I keep coming back to the power of the question--What wind is this?

Best of luck.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Lee. The thoughts and stars are appreciated.

Not sure where that line came from, but I'm with you - it sets a certain tone.

Steve

Comment from krys123

Excellent

Hi Steve;
-I like your tanka very much and I was looking for pivot line In the middle of the tanka but what I came up with is that the pivot line is actually the last line of your writing: "tugging at a lonely heart". That is because the third line is actually a conjunction of the poem and hold the first and last two lines together and is
grammatically interconnected with the first two lines in the last two lines.
-the imagery is so well written and very distinct and clear quite expressive and very vividly descriptive.
- the picture itself is appropriate and relative to the concept and theme of your writing quite complementary to the poem.
- good luck in the contest and may the good Lord be with you always Steve.
Alex

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Alex, thanks for the kind words and thoughtful review.

Steve

Comment from MacMhuirich

Exceptional

Love it, great form, great wording and wonderful imagery. This my friend is a stunning entry for the contest, a real joy to read. Best wishes for the contest.
Bless you
John

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thank you so much for the great review and the six shiny stars.

Steve

Comment from rama devi

Exceptional

I rarely offer a six for a tanka but this one is exquisite on so any levels...

-the meaning and emotional potency
-the phonetics and finesse in crafting
-the awesome pivot line working great in both directions
(with a shift in meaning too)!
-the flow and fluidity and good word economy too


I love the phrase: golden playthings
love the use of pirouette

And the way the obvious alliteration of P is balanced with a subtle alliteration of W and consonance of S in the subsequent lines:

what wind is this

that dances against my shutters


Potent closing note--that, uh--tugs at the heart:

tugging at a lonely heart

Perfect presentation too!


Love,
rd

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, rd. You know how much I love to wring one of your closely-guarded sixes from you.

I really like this piece myself. Funny thing is, I wrote 4 or 5 verses all in a row, and each could have made a good entry for this contest. Plus I wrote the very different 'Some fear the monster' poem. I was sitting supervising a class of very quiet senior students who didn't need my presence at all, and the words just poured out on the paper. I wish I could do that more often - it's about as close as I come to getting paid for writing poetry.!

Steve

reply by rama devi on 23-Mar-2016

My two cents: You should compile a book of your best poems for sale--at least as an ebook... Then you'd get paid for your art in cash as well as extra stars. :)

Warmly, rd

reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016

I feel I'v spread myself too widely - not sure if I have enough of any particular type to make a worthwhile book - or what would be the best genre to choose, if I wanted it to sell...

But I am tempted - will take a look at how to get it done.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Steve

reply by rama devi on 24-Mar-2016

Sure, Steve...I am happy to encourage you--one of the best poets on site. I recommend first deciding on a theme and basic idea/message platform for the book and then scanning through all your poems with that theme in mind, collecting any that relate to it, even tangentially.

Another technique would be to pick your best poems and try to find a theme thread among them.

If you want help, you can hire someone like me (writing coach) who has a fresh eye on your work and can help spark ideas for how to compile the book and put them into an order that ha continuity along the theme thread. I have done this for about a dozen poets over the years...some from Fanstory (no longer members) and others too. Or you could hire someone else too, to do the same...or ask close friends or family. The key is to get a fresh eye on the work as a whole as well...

Good luck!

Versatility is fine as long as cohering to a theme...IMHO.

Warmly, rd

reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016

Rama, I forgot to mention that I currently live on the smell of an oily rag, with little sign of that changing in the foreseeable future. I would hire you like a shot of I could afford it....

reply by rama devi on 24-Mar-2016

Oh, thanks for mentioning that, Steve...just FYI...for FS friends like you, who cannot afford my services off site, i give a big discount and unlimited time to pay it off in any size installments. One client takes two years to pay off a bill of $300, for example...

So, you are welcome to avail yourself of my services on such a basis should it prove your wish. IN such cases, i give priority to paying clients in terms of speed of delivery but I am fairly swift nonetheless (as you know from my activity here). LOL

You could pay off at $25 a month, for example. No issues...or even less! LOL However you see fit.

I work on a basis of mutual trust and respect. So far, no client has abused this, and there have been some who've paid extra (because they could) knowing how I was giving discounts to those in need and pro bono to Fanstory as well.

Warmly, rd

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

Oh very descriptive.
Light and yet sad at the same time.
Love the pirouette.
Perfect tanka and good luck in the contest

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks for the kind words, Barb.

Steve

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

This is a lovely poem with a vivid imagery that got me thinking. I think it is a strong entry and should be doing well. Good luck. All the best. Ulla

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Ulla - glad you enjoyed.

Steve

Comment from royowen

Excellent

A thoroughly beautiful piece which counts as a reall good entry in this short form. The narrative has some beauty to this descriptively image generating theme is so well done, good luck, Steve blessings, Roy.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Roy - glad you enjoyed.

Steve

reply by royowen on 23-Mar-2016

Most welcome