Trapped
5-7-5 Contest22 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
Can't argue with that. And if the person ever wants to drop the whip,
and needs a hug, too bad. Trapped, not coming out. Excellent shorty.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Can't argue with that. And if the person ever wants to drop the whip,
and needs a hug, too bad. Trapped, not coming out. Excellent shorty.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thank you. Damage is done...
Steve
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
You've managed to say plenty in a mere 17 syllables, Steve. Yes, constant tongue lashings cause a person to retreat and withdraw into their shell, wherein they are trapped. Well said!
Good luck in the contest!
Connie
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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You've managed to say plenty in a mere 17 syllables, Steve. Yes, constant tongue lashings cause a person to retreat and withdraw into their shell, wherein they are trapped. Well said!
Good luck in the contest!
Connie
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Connie. This one is a bit bleak, I'm afraid.
Steve
Comment from Warren Rodgers
Hi Steve,
Your 5-7-5 got me thinking ... and that's a good thing these days! lol
"I am trapped within" is one reaction that a victim of verbal abuse can sustain and i think it likely that is the first thing that would occur for most people. But there comes a point where I would hope it actually see what is going on and it only strengthens the victim. Good luck in the contest!
All the best,
Rodger
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Hi Steve,
Your 5-7-5 got me thinking ... and that's a good thing these days! lol
"I am trapped within" is one reaction that a victim of verbal abuse can sustain and i think it likely that is the first thing that would occur for most people. But there comes a point where I would hope it actually see what is going on and it only strengthens the victim. Good luck in the contest!
All the best,
Rodger
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Rodger. I would like to think that too, and of course there are positive stories. Somehow I feel that more often the victim is permanently scarred.
Steve
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Morning, Steve,
You've penned an interesting 5-7-5. I'm somewhat reminded of spousal abuse. Also, the film, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe" comes to mind.
This short poem conveys a great deal of emotive kick. The last line bespeaks a lost soul further loosing his/her identify at the hands of the whip-tongued person.
May I suggest you consider this SPAG correction:
whip[-]tongue
Good luck to you in the contest.
Ray
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Good Morning, Steve,
You've penned an interesting 5-7-5. I'm somewhat reminded of spousal abuse. Also, the film, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolfe" comes to mind.
This short poem conveys a great deal of emotive kick. The last line bespeaks a lost soul further loosing his/her identify at the hands of the whip-tongued person.
May I suggest you consider this SPAG correction:
whip[-]tongue
Good luck to you in the contest.
Ray
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Ray. You have nailed it.
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
Now this interests me. There is story being told here. Or a hint of a story. As much as 17 syllables will support. You've ignited my imagination. Who is the injured party? Are his/her complaints justified? Doesn't matter, really. It's too late. Too much damage has been done. Resentment is a hard shell. A callous.
And a callous impedes feelings. Too late. Resentment reigns.
A trapped animal lashes out, too.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Now this interests me. There is story being told here. Or a hint of a story. As much as 17 syllables will support. You've ignited my imagination. Who is the injured party? Are his/her complaints justified? Doesn't matter, really. It's too late. Too much damage has been done. Resentment is a hard shell. A callous.
And a callous impedes feelings. Too late. Resentment reigns.
A trapped animal lashes out, too.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Lee. I appreciate the thoughtful response and the six stars. Despite all the feel-good stories, I can't help but feel that people are permanently damaged by abuse.
Steve
Comment from rama devi
Wow! That's intense and powerful, packing a punch in three expressive lines. Superb phonetics with alliteration and/or consonance of T and K and P and S. Excellent flow and dramatic pause too Potent closing line.
Hope it's fictional--sounds so raw!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Wow! That's intense and powerful, packing a punch in three expressive lines. Superb phonetics with alliteration and/or consonance of T and K and P and S. Excellent flow and dramatic pause too Potent closing line.
Hope it's fictional--sounds so raw!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Yep, straight fiction - my home life is way worse than this!
Thanks for the kind review.
Steve
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Oh--sorry to hear that!
Ouch!
Warmly, rd
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Sorry - just joking...
Steve
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Oh gosh--I did wonder if that was the case. You're so gifted in Satire, dear Steve. :-)
Comment from GunillaE59
To what context or situation one would like to associate Trapped with its words are open to end less things were a person may feel trapped,for example a relationship, which one has to accept perhaps until one can escape, as the situation that does not suit. I thought it was brilliant.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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To what context or situation one would like to associate Trapped with its words are open to end less things were a person may feel trapped,for example a relationship, which one has to accept perhaps until one can escape, as the situation that does not suit. I thought it was brilliant.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thanks for the kind words, and welcome to FanStory.
Brilliant only earns four stars?
Steve
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A well penned 5-7-5 poem. Some people have razor sharp tongues and they do not care who they hurt with their truth. It seem they are the only ones who speak the truth in their eyes.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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A well penned 5-7-5 poem. Some people have razor sharp tongues and they do not care who they hurt with their truth. It seem they are the only ones who speak the truth in their eyes.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Sandra.
Steve
Comment from William Ross
So true great 5/7/5 good meaning, was wondering if whipped would of worked better here, just a thought. good luck on this and enjoy the day.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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So true great 5/7/5 good meaning, was wondering if whipped would of worked better here, just a thought. good luck on this and enjoy the day.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thanks, William.
Do you mean 'Whipped' as the title?
Steve
Comment from Tessa Kay
I like your topic and the way you bring it out in just a few words. The second line, though, I make it eight syllables (thi-ckens = 2 syllables). Maybe check again.
All the best in the contest. :)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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I like your topic and the way you bring it out in just a few words. The second line, though, I make it eight syllables (thi-ckens = 2 syllables). Maybe check again.
All the best in the contest. :)
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Ah, thank you! Small formatting issue - I actually have 4-8-5 All fixed now.
Steve
