Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Necropolis"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
19 total reviews
Comment from F. Wehr3
I really enjoyed this, but the end. Arrrgh! LOL. Seriously good story.
Please consider the following:
'"Come quick, they found that guy, Jessie and he's meaner than a grizzly bear woke from a nap."' Shouldn't Jessie have a comma before and after his name?
'The wolves had him surrounded and he was growling like a dog and hissing like a pissed off cobra.' Comma after surrounded.
'Before River could give a command, one of the wolves charged Jessie who stood wide-legged, his body leaning forward, arms bent at the elbow and fingers spread apart.' Complex sentence. one of the wolves charged Jessie, who stood...bent at the elbow, and...( I believe that is correct, not 100 percent)
Giant cones and rocks fell from the ceiling. general suggestion maybe stalactites.
Overall, very good story.
All the best,
Russell
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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I really enjoyed this, but the end. Arrrgh! LOL. Seriously good story.
Please consider the following:
'"Come quick, they found that guy, Jessie and he's meaner than a grizzly bear woke from a nap."' Shouldn't Jessie have a comma before and after his name?
'The wolves had him surrounded and he was growling like a dog and hissing like a pissed off cobra.' Comma after surrounded.
'Before River could give a command, one of the wolves charged Jessie who stood wide-legged, his body leaning forward, arms bent at the elbow and fingers spread apart.' Complex sentence. one of the wolves charged Jessie, who stood...bent at the elbow, and...( I believe that is correct, not 100 percent)
Giant cones and rocks fell from the ceiling. general suggestion maybe stalactites.
Overall, very good story.
All the best,
Russell
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much, Russel. I'll look over it and make necessary changes.
Comment from c_lucas
River received the shock of his life when he realized he and his party were greatly outnumbered. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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River received the shock of his life when he realized he and his party were greatly outnumbered. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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thank you, Charlie.
Comment from giraffmang
Well, another very intriguing chapter. Karl recovers but Jessie melts away leaving the queen of darkness in his wake. Good action which was well drawn and executed.
A few little bits & pieces I noticed:-
an invisible cloak - just a minor point here, but is it an invisible cloak or an invisibility cloak?
he was tempted to plant a wet one on the lips of a cute nurse he'd seen on his way out, but thought better of it - nice bit of realism dropped in here!
Ward pretended to be ecstatic when Nancy - would he have not been ecstatic? But pretend to be surprised?
Matthew stretched his eyes - should this be arms?
his eyes oozed out of its socket - their sockets.
River shouted." - delete errant speech marks.
"Holy, Mother of earth." - I don't think the comma is necessary.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Well, another very intriguing chapter. Karl recovers but Jessie melts away leaving the queen of darkness in his wake. Good action which was well drawn and executed.
A few little bits & pieces I noticed:-
an invisible cloak - just a minor point here, but is it an invisible cloak or an invisibility cloak?
he was tempted to plant a wet one on the lips of a cute nurse he'd seen on his way out, but thought better of it - nice bit of realism dropped in here!
Ward pretended to be ecstatic when Nancy - would he have not been ecstatic? But pretend to be surprised?
Matthew stretched his eyes - should this be arms?
his eyes oozed out of its socket - their sockets.
River shouted." - delete errant speech marks.
"Holy, Mother of earth." - I don't think the comma is necessary.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much, I'll check those suggestions. And make corrections.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow... quite an end to Book One. Who is this queen, and what happened to Jessie? Again, a well written piece. Didn't find anything to change. Well done! Will this be published as a separate book? Or a two-part book like my DEMON?
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Wow... quite an end to Book One. Who is this queen, and what happened to Jessie? Again, a well written piece. Didn't find anything to change. Well done! Will this be published as a separate book? Or a two-part book like my DEMON?
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Phyllis. Yes it wiil be a separste book. Book one of three.
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Thanks Phyllis. Yes, it will be book 1 of 3 books. The Animal Doctor will be out this month.
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Whoa amahra, what a final chapter. The intensity is very well felt. The beginning paragraphs with Ward and Jewel working to get this potion into Karl to help him recover. I love the use of good magic and potions that help people get better, which it did. The confused amazement of the doctors and nurses made me laugh. This segment has what I want in a story. Plot, dialogue, tense moments and a good ending. Well done my friend.
Now, you have created the final segments of this chapter with such great expectations from Matthew, Dex and River. They put together a group of wolves to go into Necropolis area to find Jessie. They found something that resembles him, but isn't him. What came forth out of him would scare the bejeebers out of me.
I know that I must wait for the final product to be offered to the public. I will be one of the first to buy it. I enjoyed your synopsis in blue at the end. Great information for me because of coming in so late. Thank you for this and good luck with this and looking forward to the day chapter one of book two comes on site.
I have a propensity to go more in depth with reviews that I consider exceptional and this one is,,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Whoa amahra, what a final chapter. The intensity is very well felt. The beginning paragraphs with Ward and Jewel working to get this potion into Karl to help him recover. I love the use of good magic and potions that help people get better, which it did. The confused amazement of the doctors and nurses made me laugh. This segment has what I want in a story. Plot, dialogue, tense moments and a good ending. Well done my friend.
Now, you have created the final segments of this chapter with such great expectations from Matthew, Dex and River. They put together a group of wolves to go into Necropolis area to find Jessie. They found something that resembles him, but isn't him. What came forth out of him would scare the bejeebers out of me.
I know that I must wait for the final product to be offered to the public. I will be one of the first to buy it. I enjoyed your synopsis in blue at the end. Great information for me because of coming in so late. Thank you for this and good luck with this and looking forward to the day chapter one of book two comes on site.
I have a propensity to go more in depth with reviews that I consider exceptional and this one is,,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 07-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2016
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Wow, thanks Jim. I really appreciate you as a new reviewer. Hope I don't stay away too long and loose you. I'll be reading but just not posting for a while.
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You won't loose me. I know you must have a lot of work to do with your editor to prepare this book for publishing. I am still going to start at the beginning to catch up. From time to time, I will review a chapter just to let you know that I am still here and your fan.
God luck my friend as I wish the best for you in life,,,,,Jim
Comment from royowen
Well what on earth have they walked into? And who are the two figures coming from the depths of the cave? And who is the queen of darkness? The one who was tossing them all around the show? But the reason they were there, Jessie, where is he? Exciting episode Amahra, great piece of writing, well done, great scribing. Blessings, Roy
Typo : hissing like a pissed of(f) cobra.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Well what on earth have they walked into? And who are the two figures coming from the depths of the cave? And who is the queen of darkness? The one who was tossing them all around the show? But the reason they were there, Jessie, where is he? Exciting episode Amahra, great piece of writing, well done, great scribing. Blessings, Roy
Typo : hissing like a pissed of(f) cobra.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Yeah I've already corrected the of to off. Thank you roy and thanks for reading and supporting my book.
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Most welcome Amahra,
Comment from Mastery
Hello, Harriett. Good to see you post again in 2016. Your story continues to intrigue the reader. I'm glad you are getting your book ready for release. God bless you and good luck. (Glad you will still be around, too :)
Great passages of imagery throughout as usual:
"The wolves were instructed to be mindful of sink holes and discouraged against squeezing through tight openings inside the cavern; sometimes it was easier to squeeze through, but often impossible to squeeze back out."
" His nose and mouth washed into each other, and his eyes oozed out of its socket like lava. His head waved into his neck and neck into his shoulders and torso, and legs and feet, until he was nothing but viscous goo."
Suggestion if I may: "an invisible cloak to wrap around him. (around himself)
Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Hello, Harriett. Good to see you post again in 2016. Your story continues to intrigue the reader. I'm glad you are getting your book ready for release. God bless you and good luck. (Glad you will still be around, too :)
Great passages of imagery throughout as usual:
"The wolves were instructed to be mindful of sink holes and discouraged against squeezing through tight openings inside the cavern; sometimes it was easier to squeeze through, but often impossible to squeeze back out."
" His nose and mouth washed into each other, and his eyes oozed out of its socket like lava. His head waved into his neck and neck into his shoulders and torso, and legs and feet, until he was nothing but viscous goo."
Suggestion if I may: "an invisible cloak to wrap around him. (around himself)
Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Thank you, Bob. I don't know why, but my spell check hates the words himself/herself/themselves. But I believe you're right. Thanks for supporting my book. My romance novel is ready to go, I hope people like the cover. I didn't want anything too sexy just romantic.
Comment from a.w.brooks
I great book and I hope it is a number one seller. I love these types of stories I am fascinated by witches, warlocks, werewolves you have them all in your story wishing you the best and Happy Writing
A.W.Brooks
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reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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I great book and I hope it is a number one seller. I love these types of stories I am fascinated by witches, warlocks, werewolves you have them all in your story wishing you the best and Happy Writing
A.W.Brooks
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Then you very much.
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You're Welcome
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You're Welcome
Comment from Sis Cat
This shows great imagination and creativity. River's attempted search and rescue of Jessie was vivid and riveting. You paint pictures with words, action, and dialogue. Only spag is that you wrote "pissed of cobra" instead of "off." I wish you success in your revisions and publications. You have a great talent for imagination.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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This shows great imagination and creativity. River's attempted search and rescue of Jessie was vivid and riveting. You paint pictures with words, action, and dialogue. Only spag is that you wrote "pissed of cobra" instead of "off." I wish you success in your revisions and publications. You have a great talent for imagination.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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Thank you, I've made that correction. And thank you for reading my last chapter.
