The Quest
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "The Quest Part Sixteen"Finding My Roots
38 total reviews
Comment from jpduck
What an amazing closing two paragraphs! I can hardly bear to wait fror the next chapter.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Only two days since I met my mother for the first time, and I already knew how she liked her brew[!] Amazing*!*' (The use of an exclamation mark is reserved for exclamations only -- eg commands 'Get out!'; expression of strong feelings 'What an idea! How disgusting!'; expressing a wish or feeling 'I'd love to fly! If only I'd realised!'; Calling or shouting 'Jane!' 'Get out!'. It should never be used to show humourous intent of a comment that might otherwise be seen as serious.)
'Mum cleared her throat as if [to] better *to* enable her train of thoughts.'
'I could easily have [denied] *refused* to do it, claiming you myself.'
'so who was I to [suddenly] deny you that opportunity, and more to the point; who was I to deny that couple *the chance* to fulfil their dream?" ('deny' is the correct word in this context).
' "Mum, what [was] *were* George's thoughts about all this, or did you not consult him?" '
' I still remember the bleakness of the [after war] *post-war* Germany that was still so much in evidence. (Also 'still' is repeated in the same sentence. I suggest you delete the first one).
Adrian
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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What an amazing closing two paragraphs! I can hardly bear to wait fror the next chapter.
Typos/SPAGs. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'Only two days since I met my mother for the first time, and I already knew how she liked her brew[!] Amazing*!*' (The use of an exclamation mark is reserved for exclamations only -- eg commands 'Get out!'; expression of strong feelings 'What an idea! How disgusting!'; expressing a wish or feeling 'I'd love to fly! If only I'd realised!'; Calling or shouting 'Jane!' 'Get out!'. It should never be used to show humourous intent of a comment that might otherwise be seen as serious.)
'Mum cleared her throat as if [to] better *to* enable her train of thoughts.'
'I could easily have [denied] *refused* to do it, claiming you myself.'
'so who was I to [suddenly] deny you that opportunity, and more to the point; who was I to deny that couple *the chance* to fulfil their dream?" ('deny' is the correct word in this context).
' "Mum, what [was] *were* George's thoughts about all this, or did you not consult him?" '
' I still remember the bleakness of the [after war] *post-war* Germany that was still so much in evidence. (Also 'still' is repeated in the same sentence. I suggest you delete the first one).
Adrian
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Adrian, thank you ever so much for your lovely six, despite the fact I had a few grammatical errors. I have made all the corrections; the ones I should have seen but missed. Thank you so much for that, and, well I am just so pleased. All the best, and a Merry Christmas. Ulla
Comment from Tessa Kay
Talk about bad timing. That grandmother of yours was quite something.
-Once boiling, I quickly made our coffees. - Once it boiled (otherwise the boiling refers to yourself)
-prevented from coming up and catch a breath. - catching
-Mum, what was George's thoughts - were George's thoughts
-who was I to deny that couple to fulfil their dream?"
-the mother!
-who was I to interfere in your life all of a sudden - Only the mother! And you were only 2.5 years old. You didn't have a life yet.
You're very good not to get annoyed at this reasoning. I would've been very much so.
-I swallowed, taking a sip of my wine. - can't do both at the same time; no -ing : I swallowed and took a sip of my wine
Have a lovely week. :)
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2015
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Talk about bad timing. That grandmother of yours was quite something.
-Once boiling, I quickly made our coffees. - Once it boiled (otherwise the boiling refers to yourself)
-prevented from coming up and catch a breath. - catching
-Mum, what was George's thoughts - were George's thoughts
-who was I to deny that couple to fulfil their dream?"
-the mother!
-who was I to interfere in your life all of a sudden - Only the mother! And you were only 2.5 years old. You didn't have a life yet.
You're very good not to get annoyed at this reasoning. I would've been very much so.
-I swallowed, taking a sip of my wine. - can't do both at the same time; no -ing : I swallowed and took a sip of my wine
Have a lovely week. :)
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2015
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Hi Tessa, thank you very much, for this very good review. I have made the corrections. Well, I have never been bitter nor angry towards my mother. And I didn't feel anger nor resentment towards her fifty one years later when I finally meet her. She had her reasons and that's what she decided to do. What's the point being angry now as I had already had my life. And a very good life I might say. You have a lovely week as well. All the best. Ulla:)
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I'm glad you did. Many others haven't fared that well. You're a very kind person. :)
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
You've written a very good synopsis for your prologue. I wouldn't advise leaving anything out, but if you can streamline it would be good. Here's a quick example: [My mother has told me how she met my father, a handsome American, who was in the Merchant Marine. They fell in love, but six months later he had to sail to South America. He promised to write. This was not to be the end for them. And he indeed wrote several letters.]
In Denmark in 1953, my mother fell for a handsome Merchant Marine, but after six months he had to sail to South America. He vowed to write, and did, until he learned his lover was pregnant.
I cut some fluff and combined a few things. You could even get something tighter than that.
[We strolled...] heavy foot falls? Or maybe lighter than air. What did you smell, hear, taste, touch? Was the waterfront a sandy beach with umbrellas and wind tents? Or maybe a wall of condos with noisy traffic. Was there anything about the day that is an allagory for how you felt? Your story is loaded with emotions! Let them out. Explore the feelings and experiment with showing us. Buried in this story is your broken heart--the broken heart of a little girl who can rationalize and accept truth and life as an adult, but is broken at the core like an original sin. Sprinkle it over us. Give us glimpses from this way and that of your soul's muffled shriek. After all, is it not why you are compelled to make this journey?
We know she's ready to continue, so cut the fluff and stab us in the heart! Let us feel what it's really like.
I love it when I'm reading what your mother said. The part about the stepfather blurting something you want to remember really grabs at us too. We know what that feels like.
You're over using "get on/carry on/continue with [the story]. There are other ways to move your story forward. Experiment! Good that you asked about George; that moves it forward.
OK. You swallowed. What did your throat feel like? Tight? Smooth? Was the taste sweet? Bitter? You can give us subliminal clues to your feelings in these descriptions. Ever consider that? I know there is pain. Sprinkle it. Use the context as another angle for conveying your message and meaning.
Fantastic cliffhanger! My suggestion here is leave it at that! That's a ball buster! Hang it right there by the short-hairs! Take the last sentence out and use it as the first sentence of the next installment!
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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You've written a very good synopsis for your prologue. I wouldn't advise leaving anything out, but if you can streamline it would be good. Here's a quick example: [My mother has told me how she met my father, a handsome American, who was in the Merchant Marine. They fell in love, but six months later he had to sail to South America. He promised to write. This was not to be the end for them. And he indeed wrote several letters.]
In Denmark in 1953, my mother fell for a handsome Merchant Marine, but after six months he had to sail to South America. He vowed to write, and did, until he learned his lover was pregnant.
I cut some fluff and combined a few things. You could even get something tighter than that.
[We strolled...] heavy foot falls? Or maybe lighter than air. What did you smell, hear, taste, touch? Was the waterfront a sandy beach with umbrellas and wind tents? Or maybe a wall of condos with noisy traffic. Was there anything about the day that is an allagory for how you felt? Your story is loaded with emotions! Let them out. Explore the feelings and experiment with showing us. Buried in this story is your broken heart--the broken heart of a little girl who can rationalize and accept truth and life as an adult, but is broken at the core like an original sin. Sprinkle it over us. Give us glimpses from this way and that of your soul's muffled shriek. After all, is it not why you are compelled to make this journey?
We know she's ready to continue, so cut the fluff and stab us in the heart! Let us feel what it's really like.
I love it when I'm reading what your mother said. The part about the stepfather blurting something you want to remember really grabs at us too. We know what that feels like.
You're over using "get on/carry on/continue with [the story]. There are other ways to move your story forward. Experiment! Good that you asked about George; that moves it forward.
OK. You swallowed. What did your throat feel like? Tight? Smooth? Was the taste sweet? Bitter? You can give us subliminal clues to your feelings in these descriptions. Ever consider that? I know there is pain. Sprinkle it. Use the context as another angle for conveying your message and meaning.
Fantastic cliffhanger! My suggestion here is leave it at that! That's a ball buster! Hang it right there by the short-hairs! Take the last sentence out and use it as the first sentence of the next installment!
Comment Written 21-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Hi Robert, Thank you so much for this as usual very thorough review. I have mad notes and I am going to implement when I do further review/rewrite. I so appreciate what you are saying. It's a great help. Only regret is that I am so late in responding but Christmas has just taken over. All best. Ulla
Comment from Bryana
Well, they did get married, but now what?
Is he coming to the States without her?
Another week in suspense. I doesn't
matter I enjoy your writing dear Ulla.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Well, they did get married, but now what?
Is he coming to the States without her?
Another week in suspense. I doesn't
matter I enjoy your writing dear Ulla.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Bryana, Thank you so much and so sorry I'm so late in answering. This time of the year. So many distractions. Feliz Navidad. Ulla:)
Comment from redrocklover
That certainly ended with a cliffhanger! Good grief, what a thing to say to someone who just got married. You would think she could have waited or given her the letter before the wedding. Looking forward to the next installment.
Linda
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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That certainly ended with a cliffhanger! Good grief, what a thing to say to someone who just got married. You would think she could have waited or given her the letter before the wedding. Looking forward to the next installment.
Linda
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Linda thank you so much and sorry for my late answer. Such a busy time. Merry Christmas. Ulla:)
Comment from c_lucas
The Past never rolls over and die. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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The Past never rolls over and die. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much. You are so right. More to follow soon. All the best. Ulla
Comment from fafa
I have already read some chapters of itsbook and must agree in that there is a bignarrator, the important thing this in whichit is biographical, a lot of congratulations inChristmas
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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I have already read some chapters of itsbook and must agree in that there is a bignarrator, the important thing this in whichit is biographical, a lot of congratulations inChristmas
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much fafa. Merry Christmas. Ulla
Comment from foxangie123
As an adopted child myself I could more than relate to this one. It almost seemed as if I had read it before. You have done a fabulous job here indeed.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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As an adopted child myself I could more than relate to this one. It almost seemed as if I had read it before. You have done a fabulous job here indeed.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much for the review. It amazes me how many can relate to this. I just hope it will help rather than hurt.More is to follow soon. Ulla
Comment from Green Lake Girl
I knew it! I always felt the Grandmother held back letters for your mother from her American lover. Of course, the next chapter will confirm that suspicion. When I look at your story from a distance, it's just amazing to me the ripple effect of decisions made. I'm sure you've contemplated this many times. I'm enjoying your story, Ulla. Well told!
Marietta
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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I knew it! I always felt the Grandmother held back letters for your mother from her American lover. Of course, the next chapter will confirm that suspicion. When I look at your story from a distance, it's just amazing to me the ripple effect of decisions made. I'm sure you've contemplated this many times. I'm enjoying your story, Ulla. Well told!
Marietta
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Hi Marietta, I am so pleased for your heartfelt review. Yes, it was an amazing thing and you will know some more in the next part that is to follow soon. All best, and Merry Christmas. Ulla
Comment from Zue65
Just when everything is settled and going great, with the marriage almost at hand, then suddenly that American lover, the father of Ulla will suddenly send a letter and communicate with Ulla's mother. I will wait for the next chapter to find out. God bless.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Just when everything is settled and going great, with the marriage almost at hand, then suddenly that American lover, the father of Ulla will suddenly send a letter and communicate with Ulla's mother. I will wait for the next chapter to find out. God bless.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2015
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Thank you so much for your engaging review. More to follow soon. All best Ulla