Disappointment
A Senryu contest entry21 total reviews
Comment from Triple P
I loved, absolutely loved the first two lines.
The final line seems too obvious. After reading the first two I already knew the author was longing for comfort. A twist here would have been more powerful (perhaps something about hope; or perhaps actually being comforted; or something along those lines).
Well done.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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I loved, absolutely loved the first two lines.
The final line seems too obvious. After reading the first two I already knew the author was longing for comfort. A twist here would have been more powerful (perhaps something about hope; or perhaps actually being comforted; or something along those lines).
Well done.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing and the constructive feedback. I will look at that.
Comment from Snowball30
A good effort in the required format. Disappointment and despair are twin ogres that raise their heads too often. I hope hey will have no reason to appear when this contest is judged. Good luck.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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A good effort in the required format. Disappointment and despair are twin ogres that raise their heads too often. I hope hey will have no reason to appear when this contest is judged. Good luck.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from Jetco
What an excellent about pursuing a dream and failing at reaching the goal. The spirit ends up in the doldrums. The weight of failure losing out so to speak causing the need to feel a persons touch to lift his spirit again to give him a feeling of reassurance. What he needs is for someone to tell him to get on with it pull his bootstraps up and go on.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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What an excellent about pursuing a dream and failing at reaching the goal. The spirit ends up in the doldrums. The weight of failure losing out so to speak causing the need to feel a persons touch to lift his spirit again to give him a feeling of reassurance. What he needs is for someone to tell him to get on with it pull his bootstraps up and go on.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from robin1
Poem's strength enhanced by repetition of 3 words with inital c-sound, 2 with l-sound--I suppose this is officially considered alliteration. Very successful! This poignant, short poem captures emotion very effectively.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Poem's strength enhanced by repetition of 3 words with inital c-sound, 2 with l-sound--I suppose this is officially considered alliteration. Very successful! This poignant, short poem captures emotion very effectively.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. i appreciate the many stars.
Comment from skye
Your senryu covers the subject of disappointment very well.
It tells it like it feels.
Very well done.
Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Your senryu covers the subject of disappointment very well.
It tells it like it feels.
Very well done.
Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Friend ....
Your well-chosen words written in the Senryu format
surely hide much ...
The chosen dream lost - Crushing the weary spirit -
Longing for comfort.
These are, indeed, thought-provoking words and, as this is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Hullo Friend ....
Your well-chosen words written in the Senryu format
surely hide much ...
The chosen dream lost - Crushing the weary spirit -
Longing for comfort.
These are, indeed, thought-provoking words and, as this is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
Love from ..... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback and the many stars.
Comment from rozie12
This is really good, but I think you could add a picture.
I find this senryu very sad and intriguing at the same time.
Thank you.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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This is really good, but I think you could add a picture.
I find this senryu very sad and intriguing at the same time.
Thank you.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I do not do pictures. I leave that up to your imagination. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from FredCollingwood
What I like most about a good senryu is the humorous and satiric nature of the art form. I'm missing it here. I like your message, but I don't see the fun.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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What I like most about a good senryu is the humorous and satiric nature of the art form. I'm missing it here. I like your message, but I don't see the fun.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from Fleedleflump
This generates strong feelings of being lost to me, like a soul in limbo, wishing for something solid to give it definition. String images, and a very well penned senryu.
Mike
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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This generates strong feelings of being lost to me, like a soul in limbo, wishing for something solid to give it definition. String images, and a very well penned senryu.
Mike
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form, good flow, good meter, a sad senryu that evokes emotion in the reader and make them think of their lost dreams. i wish you the best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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this is very well written with good form, good flow, good meter, a sad senryu that evokes emotion in the reader and make them think of their lost dreams. i wish you the best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 03-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2010
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.
