Who's Stalking Whom?
Vampire Prompt Entry58 total reviews
Comment from drivenbackward
Very well done, nor. Great weave. A few notes to consider:
I glance in my rear view mirror and see the little white Honda -- 'rearview mirror'
I see the back of the dark haired driver's head -- 'dark-haired driver's head.'
thinking the something in question might be my fist. -- Good line.
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze -- 'as soft as' might read better.
"Have a seat on the velveteen sofa. I'll only be a minute." -- Check paragraph spacing here.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Very well done, nor. Great weave. A few notes to consider:
I glance in my rear view mirror and see the little white Honda -- 'rearview mirror'
I see the back of the dark haired driver's head -- 'dark-haired driver's head.'
thinking the something in question might be my fist. -- Good line.
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze -- 'as soft as' might read better.
"Have a seat on the velveteen sofa. I'll only be a minute." -- Check paragraph spacing here.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks DB. It's old, written 2010, revised from what's here, and published. I just repromoted it, without further editing, in honor of Halloween -- but I appreciate your comments and review.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Oh, I was really sucked in, Norma. I even missed that it was the vampire competition, so it was like falling off the edge of a cliff! Congratulations - glad you won, Giddy
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Oh, I was really sucked in, Norma. I even missed that it was the vampire competition, so it was like falling off the edge of a cliff! Congratulations - glad you won, Giddy
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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thanks again, giddy!
Comment from Ric Myworld
You did a wonderful job of setting up the accident victim as the vampire intruder, and I must admit you got me. Nice flip-flop action. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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You did a wonderful job of setting up the accident victim as the vampire intruder, and I must admit you got me. Nice flip-flop action. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Hi, Ric. Had fun with this one in honor of Halloween. Thanks for the read and the rating.
Comment from amahra
Great winning entry. Loved how you got me at the end. Thought the woman was the victim and was in trouble. Loved the clever art work that also didn't make clear the sex of the vampire.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Great winning entry. Loved how you got me at the end. Thought the woman was the victim and was in trouble. Loved the clever art work that also didn't make clear the sex of the vampire.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Hi, amahra. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Sefiros
Interesting. There are some things that confuse me. First of all, I had no idea to the crash victim was female. You should point that out at the begining. Also, the whole vampire thing was a surprise. You should place hints of that throughout the story (like how Adonis reminds her of hunts way back when). Otherwise, nice job.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Interesting. There are some things that confuse me. First of all, I had no idea to the crash victim was female. You should point that out at the begining. Also, the whole vampire thing was a surprise. You should place hints of that throughout the story (like how Adonis reminds her of hunts way back when). Otherwise, nice job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Sefiros.
Comment from boxergirl
Ha! Congratulations on your winning the Vampire Contest story. This is a great story with engaging dialogue and an unexpected twist at the end. 8-)
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Ha! Congratulations on your winning the Vampire Contest story. This is a great story with engaging dialogue and an unexpected twist at the end. 8-)
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Thanks again, girl. I had fun writing this one.
Comment from rama devi
HA HA HA--funny closing twist. Had not see that coming. Great pun on Greek (food!). Congrats on winning the contest. I can see why. Clever characterization, great plot and closing, smooth pacing, find dialog and superb deep POV.
Also, delicious descriptive narrative with touches of wit. Loved this part:
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze, and with a silly grin, he goes to his car. Just my luck. I've just had a fender bender with a guy who has the body of a Greek god, the face of a saint, and the brain of a gnat.
Grammar Question:
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze, and with a silly grin, he goes to his car.
shouldn't there be a comma after AND? I wonder if that might be optimal as two sentences? just a thought:
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze. With a silly grin, he goes to his car.
Optional suggestion--to tighten an make it a metaphor:
His voice is the caress of a spring breeze,
Just a thought. "As soft as" works fine too.
Again, kudos on your much deserved win. Enjoyed this entertaining write.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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HA HA HA--funny closing twist. Had not see that coming. Great pun on Greek (food!). Congrats on winning the contest. I can see why. Clever characterization, great plot and closing, smooth pacing, find dialog and superb deep POV.
Also, delicious descriptive narrative with touches of wit. Loved this part:
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze, and with a silly grin, he goes to his car. Just my luck. I've just had a fender bender with a guy who has the body of a Greek god, the face of a saint, and the brain of a gnat.
Grammar Question:
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze, and with a silly grin, he goes to his car.
shouldn't there be a comma after AND? I wonder if that might be optimal as two sentences? just a thought:
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze. With a silly grin, he goes to his car.
Optional suggestion--to tighten an make it a metaphor:
His voice is the caress of a spring breeze,
Just a thought. "As soft as" works fine too.
Again, kudos on your much deserved win. Enjoyed this entertaining write.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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I like the metaphor. This is an old one. Don't know how you missed it back in 2010.
On your grammar question, I think the comma should shift to after 'and.'
His voice is soft as the caress of a spring breeze and, with a silly grin, he goes to his car.
That makes 'with a silly grin' parenthetical.
If I have a comma before 'and' and after it, too many commas, I think.
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Exactly. That's what I thought. You have one only before it...so I recommend shifting it to after--or rather, making two sentences instead. :)
I am not able to review all posts of those I've fanned...so might have missed this one back then.
Warmly, rd
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am not surprised that this is the contest winner. It's excellent. I like the twist. I figured Don was the vampire and the lady was in trouble.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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I am not surprised that this is the contest winner. It's excellent. I like the twist. I figured Don was the vampire and the lady was in trouble.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Thanks again!
Comment from Adri7enne
LOL! From the title, I was sure it was a lesson in grammar.
Well handled, nor. Good twist at the end. It came naturally. "Anything but Indian, darling." LOL! Well done!
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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LOL! From the title, I was sure it was a lesson in grammar.
Well handled, nor. Good twist at the end. It came naturally. "Anything but Indian, darling." LOL! Well done!
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Thanks again!
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
Vintage write Nor, and appropriate considering the season. As smooth as twelve year bonded whiskey and just as explosive. Maybe he's a werewolf. Kenny
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Vintage write Nor, and appropriate considering the season. As smooth as twelve year bonded whiskey and just as explosive. Maybe he's a werewolf. Kenny
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Glad you enjoyed. One reviewer said they thought it was a grammar lesson, based on the title. Boy, did they get a surprise! Thanks, as always, Kenny.
