Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Chapter 4 Part 5"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
43 total reviews
Comment from empire76
They spent the night together ... very interesting. I'd like to know what Steven thinks about that ...
-After waiting and [watching], the team [watched] the guards move closer
Try to rephrase to avoid using watch twice
-Matt motioned for Jim to [circle] to the left of the guard. Jim waited for the guard to move farther from the house. When he did, Jim [circled] behind him and subdued him.
Same here with circle
-"For now, we only came for Leya. [Leya] and her mother are under my protection.
Second mention of Leya can be replaced with She
cheers
E
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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They spent the night together ... very interesting. I'd like to know what Steven thinks about that ...
-After waiting and [watching], the team [watched] the guards move closer
Try to rephrase to avoid using watch twice
-Matt motioned for Jim to [circle] to the left of the guard. Jim waited for the guard to move farther from the house. When he did, Jim [circled] behind him and subdued him.
Same here with circle
-"For now, we only came for Leya. [Leya] and her mother are under my protection.
Second mention of Leya can be replaced with She
cheers
E
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I always wait on pins and needles for your weigh in.
Comment from Buctar
Barbara:
A good, action-filled story. I enjoyed the read.
A couple of thoughts:
When the car stopped, he asked, (Tag lines out in front of the dialogue usually cause the reader to stumble. Recommend they be places after/inside the dialogue. [Identifiers are traditionally placed after what's said. They can sometimes be found at the beginning, or the middle, but this is usually done for effect. Page 78 The First Five Pages Noah Lukeman])
"We need a diversion. Any ideas?" Matt glanced toward Steven. (Narrative action usually works better out in front of the dialogue. Recommend: Matt glanced toward Steven. "We need a diversion. Any ideas?")
After waiting and WATCHING, the team WATCHED the guards move closer to the intersection (I would change one of these to avoid the echo.)
On the front sidewalk stood a guard stretching his neck (Passive voice. Recommend: A guard stood on front sidewalk stretching his neck )
When he did, Jim circled behind HIM and subdued HIM. (Echo again. Recommend something like: When he did, Jim circled behind and subdued him. OR When he did, Jim circled behind the man and subdued him.)
each team member took a deep breath and wondered what waited for them inside the mansion. (There is a point of view problem here. This only one you can talk about wondering is your POV character.)
Leya, surprised to see the Task Force men, didn't respond. (Another POV issue. She is not the POV character so we don't know she was surprised. We could see her surprised reaction -- Her brows arched....)
I'll return," Matt stated. [The purpose of the tag line is to let the reader which character is speaking. Consequently, the best tag line is "he said" or "she said." Almost anything beyond this is excessive. Writers who use tag lines other than "he said" or "she said" most often are young at the craft and are trying to spice up the text. Page 20 - Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
"For now, we only came for Leya. Leya and her mother are (Echo again. Recommend: "For now, we only came for Leya. SHE and her mother are )
he stood and helped Leya up. (Ending the sentence with a preposition. Recommend: he stood and helped Leya to her feet.)
Instead a note lay where she had slept. (I don't think INSTEAD is the proper word here. Instead of what? Recommend: A note lay where she had slept.)
A good read.
Bill
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Barbara:
A good, action-filled story. I enjoyed the read.
A couple of thoughts:
When the car stopped, he asked, (Tag lines out in front of the dialogue usually cause the reader to stumble. Recommend they be places after/inside the dialogue. [Identifiers are traditionally placed after what's said. They can sometimes be found at the beginning, or the middle, but this is usually done for effect. Page 78 The First Five Pages Noah Lukeman])
"We need a diversion. Any ideas?" Matt glanced toward Steven. (Narrative action usually works better out in front of the dialogue. Recommend: Matt glanced toward Steven. "We need a diversion. Any ideas?")
After waiting and WATCHING, the team WATCHED the guards move closer to the intersection (I would change one of these to avoid the echo.)
On the front sidewalk stood a guard stretching his neck (Passive voice. Recommend: A guard stood on front sidewalk stretching his neck )
When he did, Jim circled behind HIM and subdued HIM. (Echo again. Recommend something like: When he did, Jim circled behind and subdued him. OR When he did, Jim circled behind the man and subdued him.)
each team member took a deep breath and wondered what waited for them inside the mansion. (There is a point of view problem here. This only one you can talk about wondering is your POV character.)
Leya, surprised to see the Task Force men, didn't respond. (Another POV issue. She is not the POV character so we don't know she was surprised. We could see her surprised reaction -- Her brows arched....)
I'll return," Matt stated. [The purpose of the tag line is to let the reader which character is speaking. Consequently, the best tag line is "he said" or "she said." Almost anything beyond this is excessive. Writers who use tag lines other than "he said" or "she said" most often are young at the craft and are trying to spice up the text. Page 20 - Writing Realistic Dialogue and Flash Fiction - Harvey Stanbrough])
"For now, we only came for Leya. Leya and her mother are (Echo again. Recommend: "For now, we only came for Leya. SHE and her mother are )
he stood and helped Leya up. (Ending the sentence with a preposition. Recommend: he stood and helped Leya to her feet.)
Instead a note lay where she had slept. (I don't think INSTEAD is the proper word here. Instead of what? Recommend: A note lay where she had slept.)
A good read.
Bill
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I am off to make the corrections. I appreciate your careful reading.
Comment from Queenise
Barbara, I just love this story. It is worthy of being made into a movie. The theme,action,drama is so real. It blows me away. The plot is getting thicker and I'm so ready to read the next part. I feel so bad for Leya's mom and her. Could strangle her father and castrate he and those men slowly. My rant. Blessings. Queenise
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Barbara, I just love this story. It is worthy of being made into a movie. The theme,action,drama is so real. It blows me away. The plot is getting thicker and I'm so ready to read the next part. I feel so bad for Leya's mom and her. Could strangle her father and castrate he and those men slowly. My rant. Blessings. Queenise
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I'm glad you had that response to Leya's father. You will see why later.
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My pleasure. Cant't wait. Queenise
Comment from Pyrrhonian
Great write, I appreciate how the story flowed, weaving in and out of mystery and suspense. Nice use of dialogue as well, realistic enough, but not too much, not in any way boring. Nice write.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Great write, I appreciate how the story flowed, weaving in and out of mystery and suspense. Nice use of dialogue as well, realistic enough, but not too much, not in any way boring. Nice write.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kind words.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Exciting rescue operation. Well told.
Touching, how Steven caresses her swollen face after the slap by her father, and brushes away the tears with his thumb. It is beginning to sound like those two were made for each other.
Juliette
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Exciting rescue operation. Well told.
Touching, how Steven caresses her swollen face after the slap by her father, and brushes away the tears with his thumb. It is beginning to sound like those two were made for each other.
Juliette
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review and kinds words.
Comment from annienolan
I really enjoyed this piece of work. Creative with words and imagination. Flows really well. Good storyline. Great read. Well done. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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I really enjoyed this piece of work. Creative with words and imagination. Flows really well. Good storyline. Great read. Well done. Keep it up.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from missy98writer
barbara wilkey,
your newest chapter of "Tantalizing Eyes" is another well crafted story of Steve and Leya. It's horrible that Leya's father beats and rapes her mother.
I liked Leya's line about her parents. ""I grew up convincing myself my parents were in love. I knew they had problems, but...." She stopped as tears rolled down her cheeks. "I guess I read too many romance novels." She turned from him."
I like the touch where Leya comes in Steve's bedroom at the safe house because she needs to be held.
This excellent chapter is fast moving. I can't wait to read the next chapter to see what happens between the star crossed would-be lovers. This chapter is worthy of five stars.
missy98writer
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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barbara wilkey,
your newest chapter of "Tantalizing Eyes" is another well crafted story of Steve and Leya. It's horrible that Leya's father beats and rapes her mother.
I liked Leya's line about her parents. ""I grew up convincing myself my parents were in love. I knew they had problems, but...." She stopped as tears rolled down her cheeks. "I guess I read too many romance novels." She turned from him."
I like the touch where Leya comes in Steve's bedroom at the safe house because she needs to be held.
This excellent chapter is fast moving. I can't wait to read the next chapter to see what happens between the star crossed would-be lovers. This chapter is worthy of five stars.
missy98writer
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind review.
Comment from christopherjl
Once again this is a great entry into your novel. I enjoyed the dialogue between the characters. Great work. I have no suggestions for this story!
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Once again this is a great entry into your novel. I enjoyed the dialogue between the characters. Great work. I have no suggestions for this story!
Comment Written 12-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Barbara,
A good and bloodless conclusion to this phase, but I think your drug lord will be looking for a face saver against the team. He can't afford to lose face like this.
Patrick
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Hi Barbara,
A good and bloodless conclusion to this phase, but I think your drug lord will be looking for a face saver against the team. He can't afford to lose face like this.
Patrick
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Thank you for your review. You are right. He does try.
Comment from Readywriter52
Leya was lucky her father didn't kill her. He took her anger out on her mother. I'm surprised that Steven and his friends were allowed to rescue her.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Leya was lucky her father didn't kill her. He took her anger out on her mother. I'm surprised that Steven and his friends were allowed to rescue her.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2009
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Vegas didn't think they would come all the way to Colombia for her. Thank you for the review.
