Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Chapter 3 Part 6"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
40 total reviews
Comment from fictionwriter
Another interesting chapter in the book. I would like to see a bit more about Leya's thoughts on the marriage. What did she expect? She was hoping something else would happen, I'd like to know what it is. A couple of little things.
She understood it was a mock marriage(delete ,) but still
He grinned trying to conceal his laugh( this is a slip in POV. You've just gone into Steven's pov, you need to stay in Leya's. She can't know the intent behind the laugh)
Other than that good job.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2009
  |
Another interesting chapter in the book. I would like to see a bit more about Leya's thoughts on the marriage. What did she expect? She was hoping something else would happen, I'd like to know what it is. A couple of little things.
She understood it was a mock marriage(delete ,) but still
He grinned trying to conceal his laugh( this is a slip in POV. You've just gone into Steven's pov, you need to stay in Leya's. She can't know the intent behind the laugh)
Other than that good job.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2009
-
You are right about the POV, I thought I had taken care of that, I guess I just did in my dream. I will check the comma. Thank you for the review and catching the errors.
Comment from mjfande
Another excellent chapter. I liked the little bit of comedy that was thrown in. I enjoyed reading it.
In the sentence -
"She catches like a girl," teased Jim as he ran on a treadmill.
I believe there is supposed to be a comma after Jim.
Good luck in your writing.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2009
|
Another excellent chapter. I liked the little bit of comedy that was thrown in. I enjoyed reading it.
In the sentence -
"She catches like a girl," teased Jim as he ran on a treadmill.
I believe there is supposed to be a comma after Jim.
Good luck in your writing.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2009
-
Good question about the comma. I will check it out. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Shane Marquardt
They are all dangerous, Steven. :)
Good work. I have really enjoyed this story and look forward to seeing where this relationship goes.
"Walk, and I mean walk(,) on the treadmill until I'm finished with my run, then we'll lift weights." (I added a comma, see what you think)
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
|
They are all dangerous, Steven. :)
Good work. I have really enjoyed this story and look forward to seeing where this relationship goes.
"Walk, and I mean walk(,) on the treadmill until I'm finished with my run, then we'll lift weights." (I added a comma, see what you think)
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
-
Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate your continued support and I will check that comma. It does give it a stronger meaning.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
I like the length of this chapter. It encourages one to read it well. This intriguing marriage is coming on fine so far. It will be interesting to see how it develops further. kudos
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
|
I like the length of this chapter. It encourages one to read it well. This intriguing marriage is coming on fine so far. It will be interesting to see how it develops further. kudos
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
-
Oh it developes. Thank you for your review.
Comment from empire76
You have a great story here, Barbara, but you are doing a lot of telling and not enough showing IMHO. I feel like you are rushing over potentially juicy in this chapter and therefore I'm missing out on the experience.
It's okay to rush through details for mundane stuff, but I think you should consider slowing down just a little bit whenever Steven and Leya are alone on the page or just in the same room. Like at the gym. From Steven walking in and Leya yelling 'help!' just seems to happen in the blink of an eye. The reader doesn't really get to experience the anxiety and her need to impress etc.
When Steven grins to hide his laughter, I expect Leya to notice (coz when you are attracted to someone, you notice all those details - esp when it's a new relationship). As a reader I want to know how the smile/laugh makes her feel? Is she blushing? Does she feel like a total idiot? Does she have butterflies in her stomach despite her embarrassment?
Even before this, we don't see Leya's discomfort with the treadmill. What is it about it that she doesn't know how to use? She seemed comfortable until the moment Steven had to be the knight in shining armour.
- What weightlifting can I do?
Is this a thought or dialogue?
-"She catches like a girl," teased Jim as he ran on a treadmill.
Whoa, when did Jim and the other men come to the gym? Were they there when Leya entered? Did they come in with Steven? Help the reader visualise what's happening, otherwise, we will think "whoa, where did that come from?"
- Steven introduced Leya to all the weight machines, before they left the room together.
This is an opportunity to build tension between them; don't gloss over it. How did they work together? By the time they are done I'm expecting them to be all aroused and bothered. And I want to be part of that process...
In a nutshell, great job with the chapter. I think it can be a lot better if you slow down a little and give us some juicy details...
E
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
 |
You have a great story here, Barbara, but you are doing a lot of telling and not enough showing IMHO. I feel like you are rushing over potentially juicy in this chapter and therefore I'm missing out on the experience.
It's okay to rush through details for mundane stuff, but I think you should consider slowing down just a little bit whenever Steven and Leya are alone on the page or just in the same room. Like at the gym. From Steven walking in and Leya yelling 'help!' just seems to happen in the blink of an eye. The reader doesn't really get to experience the anxiety and her need to impress etc.
When Steven grins to hide his laughter, I expect Leya to notice (coz when you are attracted to someone, you notice all those details - esp when it's a new relationship). As a reader I want to know how the smile/laugh makes her feel? Is she blushing? Does she feel like a total idiot? Does she have butterflies in her stomach despite her embarrassment?
Even before this, we don't see Leya's discomfort with the treadmill. What is it about it that she doesn't know how to use? She seemed comfortable until the moment Steven had to be the knight in shining armour.
- What weightlifting can I do?
Is this a thought or dialogue?
-"She catches like a girl," teased Jim as he ran on a treadmill.
Whoa, when did Jim and the other men come to the gym? Were they there when Leya entered? Did they come in with Steven? Help the reader visualise what's happening, otherwise, we will think "whoa, where did that come from?"
- Steven introduced Leya to all the weight machines, before they left the room together.
This is an opportunity to build tension between them; don't gloss over it. How did they work together? By the time they are done I'm expecting them to be all aroused and bothered. And I want to be part of that process...
In a nutshell, great job with the chapter. I think it can be a lot better if you slow down a little and give us some juicy details...
E
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
-
I get hit often for having too many characters in the post, so I try to limit their movement and only place them there as a reminder that other men are in the house, until they are needed. I will take your suggestions under advisement.
Comment from Veoto
I particularly liked the line about being accepted due to teasing in a house full of men. Some words just can't be truer. I enjoyed this piece. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
|
I particularly liked the line about being accepted due to teasing in a house full of men. Some words just can't be truer. I enjoyed this piece. Keep it up.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words. I raised four boys, so I know experience she'll be teased.
Comment from Brindle.T
Ahhh Steven is beginning to notice her female charms all the more.
I liked the bit about being accepted by men when one is laughed at and mocked...Its so very true.
I have no issues with the construction of this piece save one little suggestion...
"Leya's face and body were crimson." The use of the word, "were,"is in my view a little sneak in for passive voice....You could make it active by a simple change "Leya's face and body TURNED crimson." So its happening now as we read it, instead of past voice / tense.
I hope it helps.
Tony
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
|
Ahhh Steven is beginning to notice her female charms all the more.
I liked the bit about being accepted by men when one is laughed at and mocked...Its so very true.
I have no issues with the construction of this piece save one little suggestion...
"Leya's face and body were crimson." The use of the word, "were,"is in my view a little sneak in for passive voice....You could make it active by a simple change "Leya's face and body TURNED crimson." So its happening now as we read it, instead of past voice / tense.
I hope it helps.
Tony
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
-
Thank you are you are so right about were. Thank you again. I appreciate your help.
-
Your're very welcome barbara, I'm pleased my suggestion saw favour.
Tony
Comment from Mengleoh67
Now that's more like it! Another great chapter. The storyline is moving along at a good strong, smooth pace. The character interaction and dialogue are believable and true to what we know about the characters from past chapters. I can't wait to see what happens next!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
|
Now that's more like it! Another great chapter. The storyline is moving along at a good strong, smooth pace. The character interaction and dialogue are believable and true to what we know about the characters from past chapters. I can't wait to see what happens next!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Nicnac
Well, that is one unique honeymoon exercise. LOL
Playing catch with a 10 pound ball. haha
To each his own... ;)
I like that Steven is beginning to warm up to Leya. I sure hope she isn't crooked and leading him into deep doo doo.
*Picking up a ten-pound medicine ball, he tossed it to her. (Might sound better reworded slightly... 'He picked up a ten-pound medicine ball and tossed it to her')
Nic
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
|
Well, that is one unique honeymoon exercise. LOL
Playing catch with a 10 pound ball. haha
To each his own... ;)
I like that Steven is beginning to warm up to Leya. I sure hope she isn't crooked and leading him into deep doo doo.
*Picking up a ten-pound medicine ball, he tossed it to her. (Might sound better reworded slightly... 'He picked up a ten-pound medicine ball and tossed it to her')
Nic
Comment Written 02-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2009
-
You mean you didn't spend your honeymoon is a gym?? What's your problem???? Thank you for your review. I always enjoy hearing from you.
Comment from wierdgrace
wow, I know this is another blind review, but this story is wonderful, I am able to follow your dialogue from the characters so easy and the emotions from all of them as if this is a script, wonderful writing as always, thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2009
|
wow, I know this is another blind review, but this story is wonderful, I am able to follow your dialogue from the characters so easy and the emotions from all of them as if this is a script, wonderful writing as always, thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2009
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2009
-
Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
