Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Chapter 3 Part 5"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
36 total reviews
Comment from ladybird
A good chapter. One where suspicion of being a 'mole' falls on Lela's shoulders, but I think that's probably a 'red herring'. The impersonal wedding was done well. After all, it's not as though they are romantically inclined, not yet, anyway, lol.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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A good chapter. One where suspicion of being a 'mole' falls on Lela's shoulders, but I think that's probably a 'red herring'. The impersonal wedding was done well. After all, it's not as though they are romantically inclined, not yet, anyway, lol.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Very thank you for your review. I appreciate your continued support.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Well written and a good story, though I found the conclusion a bit abrupt. A wedding that impersonal has to be in difficulty before it even starts! Still the dialogues are good and the narrative flows well. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Well written and a good story, though I found the conclusion a bit abrupt. A wedding that impersonal has to be in difficulty before it even starts! Still the dialogues are good and the narrative flows well. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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I wanted to wedding to come across as a business transaction, because at this point that is all it is. Thank you for your review.
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That was certainly the impression you succeeded in creating. Well done to you.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
Steven and Leya exchanging vows, was very disappoint it to me... But, still, I love this story and I understand the reasons of Steven's behavior... I'll be waiting for more....
Thanks and have a nice sunday Barbara!
:)
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Steven and Leya exchanging vows, was very disappoint it to me... But, still, I love this story and I understand the reasons of Steven's behavior... I'll be waiting for more....
Thanks and have a nice sunday Barbara!
:)
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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I wanted the wedding to come across as a business transaction, no emotion. Once they realise their love for each other sparks will fly. It is a romance after all. Thank you for your review.
Comment from jadapenn
Well, hello. It seems the chapters are getting shorter and sweeter. Poor old Steven, not knowing whether he's Arthur or Marthur. Bet that wasn't what Leya was dreaming of - a peck on the cheek. Ugh
luv jada
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Well, hello. It seems the chapters are getting shorter and sweeter. Poor old Steven, not knowing whether he's Arthur or Marthur. Bet that wasn't what Leya was dreaming of - a peck on the cheek. Ugh
luv jada
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Next we get Leya's feelings about the wedding. HUMMMMMMMMM. I hope to post today, but don't have enough reviews in yet. Thank you. I always love hearing from you.
Comment from rama devi
I've not read your work before,or much of it and this is my first dip into your story so i cannot comment on character and plot development, though I do get a sense that you are covering those aspects well.
This chapter is well paced and carried fluidly along by good use of dialog.
Just a couple of tiny typos-
**When the justice of peace said, "You may now kiss the bride.(COMMA, not period here)" Steven pecked Leya's cheek.
**Sitting at his desk with is(his) head in his hands(COMMA) he closed his eyes.
As these are minor nits, easy to fix, I am not deducting a star.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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I've not read your work before,or much of it and this is my first dip into your story so i cannot comment on character and plot development, though I do get a sense that you are covering those aspects well.
This chapter is well paced and carried fluidly along by good use of dialog.
Just a couple of tiny typos-
**When the justice of peace said, "You may now kiss the bride.(COMMA, not period here)" Steven pecked Leya's cheek.
**Sitting at his desk with is(his) head in his hands(COMMA) he closed his eyes.
As these are minor nits, easy to fix, I am not deducting a star.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Sorry, but after bride there needs to be a period because Steven pecked is not a speech tag, it is an action tag. The other two were oversights. Thank you for catching them. Please stop by again. 25 people have read this and you are the only one who caught those last two.
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Thanks B. Always try to review with integrity...Following the golden rule of doing unto others...
Hugs,
rd
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is brief and well written. The marriage you described here is really spectacular. It will be interesting to know how it progresses. On the last line, you wrote is in place of his. kudos
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2009
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This is brief and well written. The marriage you described here is really spectacular. It will be interesting to know how it progresses. On the last line, you wrote is in place of his. kudos
Comment Written 26-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2009
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It's taken care of. Thank you for your review.
Comment from empire76
LOL. That was definitely an impersonal wedding. It would be great to now see what Leya thought about the whole thing. I think we aren't seeing enough of her on the page.
- Hearing a helicopter overhea[r]d
I think you mean overhead...
- Hearing a come in,
Shouldn't come in be in quotes? Just a thought.
One the whole the chapter works. I like the info at the beginning; shows they are making a little headway in the investigation and the end brings in Steve's personal life.
E
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2009
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LOL. That was definitely an impersonal wedding. It would be great to now see what Leya thought about the whole thing. I think we aren't seeing enough of her on the page.
- Hearing a helicopter overhea[r]d
I think you mean overhead...
- Hearing a come in,
Shouldn't come in be in quotes? Just a thought.
One the whole the chapter works. I like the info at the beginning; shows they are making a little headway in the investigation and the end brings in Steve's personal life.
E
Comment Written 26-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2009
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Thank you for your review. I always enjoy hearing from you. I've alreay reviewed my errors.
Comment from SecretSquirrel
It is pretty good. Without knowing a lot about the characters, it is kind of hard to understand how it went down like it did. Some of the description could be gone over and improved. It almost seems like the front half of some of the sentences are missing to me, like where he sips the water, or the guy goes back into his office. Maybe it could do with a little more description in places. The mariage part could be legnthened out a little and probably be more effective. The tags of the dialogue are well done and it is easy to follow what the characters are saying.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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It is pretty good. Without knowing a lot about the characters, it is kind of hard to understand how it went down like it did. Some of the description could be gone over and improved. It almost seems like the front half of some of the sentences are missing to me, like where he sips the water, or the guy goes back into his office. Maybe it could do with a little more description in places. The mariage part could be legnthened out a little and probably be more effective. The tags of the dialogue are well done and it is easy to follow what the characters are saying.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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I don't want the marriage to be more effective. I wanted to protray a cold insigificant wedding. The posts leading up to this post would explain it. Thank you for your review.
Comment from wierdgrace
More and more excitement in this story, I loved the way you put all the characters to work in your words, this is written to keep us reading, and I can not wait for more.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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More and more excitement in this story, I loved the way you put all the characters to work in your words, this is written to keep us reading, and I can not wait for more.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Thank you for your comments and kind words.
Comment from --Turtle.
I read this chapter barbara,
I thought it was well written in the first part, but the wedding seemed really rushed, a little sloppy compared to the rest of the read. I couldn't tell where Steven was, did they drive somewhere together? was he alone when he picked her up or was the Justice of the peace right there?
Pausing on each step, Steven stopped (Is that literally like stair steps... or steps down the hallway. I thought maybe you might want to split that sentence up into two and slow it down.
What did Leya look like? Dressed? Does he work in the same building as where he got married.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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I read this chapter barbara,
I thought it was well written in the first part, but the wedding seemed really rushed, a little sloppy compared to the rest of the read. I couldn't tell where Steven was, did they drive somewhere together? was he alone when he picked her up or was the Justice of the peace right there?
Pausing on each step, Steven stopped (Is that literally like stair steps... or steps down the hallway. I thought maybe you might want to split that sentence up into two and slow it down.
What did Leya look like? Dressed? Does he work in the same building as where he got married.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2009
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Steven sent Bob out to the helecopter to meet the justice of the peace. By your comments, I'm guessing you have not followed the manuscript from the beginning. They are at a safe house to protect Leya. Rarely do they leave. Leya lived upstairs and the men work and live downstairs, the entire living arrangements was explained in an earlier post. I wanted the wedding to be fast and impersonal. I don't see it could be done any other way. My reviewers to date agree. Sorry you didn't like it.
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I didn't say I didn't like it, I thought it was good. I'm sorry.
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I didn't say I didn't mean I didn't like it, I thought it was good. I'm sorry only gave the four for the editing of the first sentence and the recommendation to fill out the scene of the first sentence of the second set, and the questions I had for the clean perspective.
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Not a problem. I can understand. Thank you for uping it a star. I appreciate. I did take a second look.
