Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Chapter 2 Part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
48 total reviews
Comment from Solrac
After rubbing her daughter's back, she sighed. "I'll let her leave if Joe and Steven can stay with her."
Only a person who really loves her daughter will do such a silli act, and you discribed it with such mastery that I felt I knew that person from somewhere.
Love it.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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After rubbing her daughter's back, she sighed. "I'll let her leave if Joe and Steven can stay with her."
Only a person who really loves her daughter will do such a silli act, and you discribed it with such mastery that I felt I knew that person from somewhere.
Love it.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from RebelRose
Another good chapter. Believable dialog. Well written. I look forward to reading more. I saw no errors or anything that should be changed or edited.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Another good chapter. Believable dialog. Well written. I look forward to reading more. I saw no errors or anything that should be changed or edited.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Mengleoh67
Hehehe this is getting good now! An excellent chapter! Great character development, interaction and dialogue. The storyline is strong and developing nicely. I'm a huge fan of this genre and this is really an excellent story.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Hehehe this is getting good now! An excellent chapter! Great character development, interaction and dialogue. The storyline is strong and developing nicely. I'm a huge fan of this genre and this is really an excellent story.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
I like your story.
That's a good question about how to handle the English translations of your Spanish words. There must be someone on fanstory who has more experience with this. I would like to know the answer to this too, because I am bilingual too. I think how you handled it was fine, but I don't know how a publisher would handle it.
You have a nice balance of dialog, action, and description. It is a realistic and original story.
I enjoy your writing.
Kathryn
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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I like your story.
That's a good question about how to handle the English translations of your Spanish words. There must be someone on fanstory who has more experience with this. I would like to know the answer to this too, because I am bilingual too. I think how you handled it was fine, but I don't know how a publisher would handle it.
You have a nice balance of dialog, action, and description. It is a realistic and original story.
I enjoy your writing.
Kathryn
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your review. As of right now, most people like the way I've handled it. Two have said there needs to be a better way, but no one has one. One suggested I leave it out altogether. To me that takes the authenticity way.
Comment from ladybird
A good carry on chapter. The characters are rounding out nicely, letting the reader get to know them through their words and actions.I see you mentioned the Spanish sentences. This is only by own view but, as I don't know any other language apart from English, I really don't like reading novels with other languages interspersed throughout. As you pointed out novels don't have author notes and to my mind, if the meaning is put in brackets, I think it rather defeats the object of putting it in, in the first place.This is only my view of course, so please do not be offended as none is meant. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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A good carry on chapter. The characters are rounding out nicely, letting the reader get to know them through their words and actions.I see you mentioned the Spanish sentences. This is only by own view but, as I don't know any other language apart from English, I really don't like reading novels with other languages interspersed throughout. As you pointed out novels don't have author notes and to my mind, if the meaning is put in brackets, I think it rather defeats the object of putting it in, in the first place.This is only my view of course, so please do not be offended as none is meant. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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There's very few words in this book, I think the next post, I think has one line, then there's no more until then only one line. I'm trying to make them realistic. If the people are from another country, I need to portray that and don't no how.
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Yes, I see that could be a problem, lol.
Comment from Summer Falls
Barbara, you are right about the language in parenthesis; I never saw author notes in a novel either. LOL. I think the way you are doing it is a great idea. I did a bit of research on the matter for you.
Check out this link, lots of opinions on the matter.
http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/node/3165455
Okay, now for the review. I LOVED IT!
Dani is a little matchmaker, isn't she? LOL, with all that is going on, she still finds it necessary to give Leya a heads up on Steven's status. That is so like a female. WE do love our men. hehe.
I am beginning to like Leya, and I think Steven certainly wishes he didn't. :) Sparks are flying, when will they ignite on the sheets? lmao Hottie, yummy Steven is certainly the one to "light her fire."
I like that you made Leya a strong woman. She even stood up against her family. Wow. Good stuff to come out of that--or should I say bad stuff?
This was well written and you are excellent at the "no spag" stuff.
Summer
PS ( I know of your plot with the other writer--lol--The author of Ramstone is now aware and have locked away the men behind the gates. Guards are in place. hehe)
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Barbara, you are right about the language in parenthesis; I never saw author notes in a novel either. LOL. I think the way you are doing it is a great idea. I did a bit of research on the matter for you.
Check out this link, lots of opinions on the matter.
http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/node/3165455
Okay, now for the review. I LOVED IT!
Dani is a little matchmaker, isn't she? LOL, with all that is going on, she still finds it necessary to give Leya a heads up on Steven's status. That is so like a female. WE do love our men. hehe.
I am beginning to like Leya, and I think Steven certainly wishes he didn't. :) Sparks are flying, when will they ignite on the sheets? lmao Hottie, yummy Steven is certainly the one to "light her fire."
I like that you made Leya a strong woman. She even stood up against her family. Wow. Good stuff to come out of that--or should I say bad stuff?
This was well written and you are excellent at the "no spag" stuff.
Summer
PS ( I know of your plot with the other writer--lol--The author of Ramstone is now aware and have locked away the men behind the gates. Guards are in place. hehe)
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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I see I have a spy in my camp. I may have to do something. There is not place for a spy in romance plots.
Comment from K-Patrick
My only concern with this chapter is Emily and the incubator. Once back, the medical staff would have gotten her to the incubator ASAP. Then to mention it again for the safe house, only establishes the need. Good chapter piece.
Standing beside the bed, the doctor said, "Mrs. Patterson, I need to examine this young lady. I'll have her back in your arms in less than thirty minutes." -- We really need to address this now. Emily was in an incubator. She would need to be back in one ASAP. - Right?
Matt had followed the men into the room. "Dani, I understand your reluctance, but Emily needs to be examined." -- Matt is a General, He has juice. I think it would be more like "It's been a trying day, Doc. You can have someone bring in an incubator, while you examine Emily right here." The pediatrician could tell that was not a question or a request.
Matt motioned for Steven to follow him to the hall, but his eyes remained on Dani, as he said, "I'm sitting this one out. [I can't put my family or the entire Task Force at risk.] Until Emily's out of danger, I'm on leave. Good luck, but remember I'm only a phone call away." -- Maybe??
I, by the way, wasn't caught lying. [Hablo?]" -- To reiterate when she was caught lying.
I am liking how this is developing.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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My only concern with this chapter is Emily and the incubator. Once back, the medical staff would have gotten her to the incubator ASAP. Then to mention it again for the safe house, only establishes the need. Good chapter piece.
Standing beside the bed, the doctor said, "Mrs. Patterson, I need to examine this young lady. I'll have her back in your arms in less than thirty minutes." -- We really need to address this now. Emily was in an incubator. She would need to be back in one ASAP. - Right?
Matt had followed the men into the room. "Dani, I understand your reluctance, but Emily needs to be examined." -- Matt is a General, He has juice. I think it would be more like "It's been a trying day, Doc. You can have someone bring in an incubator, while you examine Emily right here." The pediatrician could tell that was not a question or a request.
Matt motioned for Steven to follow him to the hall, but his eyes remained on Dani, as he said, "I'm sitting this one out. [I can't put my family or the entire Task Force at risk.] Until Emily's out of danger, I'm on leave. Good luck, but remember I'm only a phone call away." -- Maybe??
I, by the way, wasn't caught lying. [Hablo?]" -- To reiterate when she was caught lying.
I am liking how this is developing.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Emily's only real problem is a little low on weight, so probably some jaundice. One of my boys was 4 weeks ppremature and had jaundice, but nothing serious. He was 9 pounds and 2 ounces. I thought about having Emily's physical there, but then Dani has to get dressed. It would slow the whole process up. I'll think about it.
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
The story unfolds in sequence through each successive chapter. I could feel Dani's fear at the prospect of her baby leaving her sight, after her earlier kidnap.
The prospect of romance between Matt and Leya is interesting.
Another interesting chapter.
Juliette
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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The story unfolds in sequence through each successive chapter. I could feel Dani's fear at the prospect of her baby leaving her sight, after her earlier kidnap.
The prospect of romance between Matt and Leya is interesting.
Another interesting chapter.
Juliette
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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I hope you meant Steven and Leya. If I did not make that clear, I've got a problem
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It's not your problem, it's mine. Do forgive me!
Juliette
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I'm so glad the baby is safe right now, nicely done chapter, I love the way you mixed English and Spanish, too bad your computer do not has the "ħ", for Seħorita!
I'm waiting for next chapter,
:)
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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I'm so glad the baby is safe right now, nicely done chapter, I love the way you mixed English and Spanish, too bad your computer do not has the "ħ", for Seħorita!
I'm waiting for next chapter,
:)
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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It didn't awhile ago. I'll check it out. Thank you for the review. I appreciate your kind words.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi, a nicely done chapter. No obvious spag. Happy that everyone's safe for the moment.
He ran his hand through his hair, sighed, and then scanned the room. - maybe scanned the surroundings? you already have 'the room' quite close to it.
As for the translation to the spanish words, maybe you can do it this way, as the character's thoughts:
Leya glared at him. Don't think by letting me know you're fluent in Spanish, I'll trust you.
Well, just a suggestion.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Hi, a nicely done chapter. No obvious spag. Happy that everyone's safe for the moment.
He ran his hand through his hair, sighed, and then scanned the room. - maybe scanned the surroundings? you already have 'the room' quite close to it.
As for the translation to the spanish words, maybe you can do it this way, as the character's thoughts:
Leya glared at him. Don't think by letting me know you're fluent in Spanish, I'll trust you.
Well, just a suggestion.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Thank you for your reveiw. I look forward to hearing from you.
