Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Canine Contingent, Pt. 1"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
20 total reviews
Comment from davidray
Well, I'll be danged, Gayle! I have nothing to report in the negative for ya today. Your writing is clean, crip, and sprinkled with some tension. Well done! I was gonna mention in the first scene, maybe the use of mentioning the cell 3 times (I think) was a bit redundant, but I think it's only because here on FS, I'm trying too hard toi help with anything. Repeating the cell 3 times in a chapter isn't reason for alarm, nor change, if we were reading it on paperback. Know what I mean?
Leave it as is, and don't bother with my babbling.
Thanks for sharing!
Do take care.
Hugs,
David
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Well, I'll be danged, Gayle! I have nothing to report in the negative for ya today. Your writing is clean, crip, and sprinkled with some tension. Well done! I was gonna mention in the first scene, maybe the use of mentioning the cell 3 times (I think) was a bit redundant, but I think it's only because here on FS, I'm trying too hard toi help with anything. Repeating the cell 3 times in a chapter isn't reason for alarm, nor change, if we were reading it on paperback. Know what I mean?
Leave it as is, and don't bother with my babbling.
Thanks for sharing!
Do take care.
Hugs,
David
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hey David,
I'm glad you liked this one. It's the first part of a loooong chapter so I had to split it for FS.
Let me check out that 'cell' thingy and see if I can make fix.
Thanks, good buddy!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
Gayle, This is a well written action packed chapter. It appears that every one is out of the house and headed toward the fence. Good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Gayle, This is a well written action packed chapter. It appears that every one is out of the house and headed toward the fence. Good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Oh Charlie! A sixer! How wonderful of you! I really appreciate that. This is the first part of a long finishing chapter, so I'm having to make good breaks. Glad you liked this one!
And again, thank you so much for the six!
Hugs
Gayle
PS I just LOVE Jo!
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You're welcome, Gayle. You earned it. Charlie
Comment from Norbanus
Mornin' Annabelle,
By golly that ending, with Tony slipping through the dark brush after the Russkies, is an attention getter.
I love it. Keep 'em coming.
Freddie
Here are a few ideas to kick around:
Detective Riley closed his cell with a snap and hit the call button on the walkie-talkie that connected(connecting) him with his men. "Go." He hopped in his car, heart pounding in his chest(cut ?in his chest?) and tore up the hill. Pulling in behind the other cruisers he drew his gun and jumped out.(hopped in/jumped out)
Lenny closed his cell and snapped his fingers at Cricket. She stared at his hands, reading the signals. He pointed to the far side of the house and whispered, "Go." She streaked across the dark yard and disappeared. (In the opening, Detective Riley ?closed his cell with a snap?. Perhaps ?Lenny dropped his cell into its holder and ...?)
They made good time and soon caught up with Andy and Candace who cautiously worked their way down the trail, utter darkness impeding their steps. (Technically inaccurate. ?utter darkness? means total darkness. If darkness was total, they couldn?t see the ten feet mentioned later. It might be better to leave it as ?darkness?.)
Andy had a firm grip on Candace's arm, steadying her as they dodged low-hanging tree branches and bushy shrubs. For him,(cut ?For him?) the darkness made everything recede in shadows and he couldn't see more than ten feet in any direction. The untrimmed path was treacherous and more than once he caught her as she stumbled. (Consider: ?Dark shadows hid the untrimmed bushes. More than once he caught her as she dodged protruding fronds and stumbled.?) Finally, they reached(cut ?they reached?) at the bottom and(cut ?and, insert ?they?) leaned against the fence, catching their breath in quick, short gasps.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Mornin' Annabelle,
By golly that ending, with Tony slipping through the dark brush after the Russkies, is an attention getter.
I love it. Keep 'em coming.
Freddie
Here are a few ideas to kick around:
Detective Riley closed his cell with a snap and hit the call button on the walkie-talkie that connected(connecting) him with his men. "Go." He hopped in his car, heart pounding in his chest(cut ?in his chest?) and tore up the hill. Pulling in behind the other cruisers he drew his gun and jumped out.(hopped in/jumped out)
Lenny closed his cell and snapped his fingers at Cricket. She stared at his hands, reading the signals. He pointed to the far side of the house and whispered, "Go." She streaked across the dark yard and disappeared. (In the opening, Detective Riley ?closed his cell with a snap?. Perhaps ?Lenny dropped his cell into its holder and ...?)
They made good time and soon caught up with Andy and Candace who cautiously worked their way down the trail, utter darkness impeding their steps. (Technically inaccurate. ?utter darkness? means total darkness. If darkness was total, they couldn?t see the ten feet mentioned later. It might be better to leave it as ?darkness?.)
Andy had a firm grip on Candace's arm, steadying her as they dodged low-hanging tree branches and bushy shrubs. For him,(cut ?For him?) the darkness made everything recede in shadows and he couldn't see more than ten feet in any direction. The untrimmed path was treacherous and more than once he caught her as she stumbled. (Consider: ?Dark shadows hid the untrimmed bushes. More than once he caught her as she dodged protruding fronds and stumbled.?) Finally, they reached(cut ?they reached?) at the bottom and(cut ?and, insert ?they?) leaned against the fence, catching their breath in quick, short gasps.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hi Freddie,
I just copied your comments/edits and will get back in there and make fix. It's just amazing how I don't see this stuff the first time out of the gate. Blind and blonde to boot!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
'Without a moon { ?comma} the tall, leafy trees made the night as dark as sin'
That's all I can pick out here, Gayle.
Great chapter with loads of vivid descriptions and fast action detailing the scene and the hunt. Good hook at the end, as all was going too easy for Andy and Candace up til now.
Bet the dogs save em!
Write on ma'am. Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
'Without a moon { ?comma} the tall, leafy trees made the night as dark as sin'
That's all I can pick out here, Gayle.
Great chapter with loads of vivid descriptions and fast action detailing the scene and the hunt. Good hook at the end, as all was going too easy for Andy and Candace up til now.
Bet the dogs save em!
Write on ma'am. Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hey Ray,
I know it's not your fave thing to read prose, so your loyalty is extra special to me. Thank you so much for the comments and wonderful rating,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Way to go, Tony! You get 'em, boy. Don't let those bad dudes get away. This is an excellent chapter, Gayle. Of course, I've come to expect nothing less from you. Great writing skills with a terrific plot and characters. I'm loving having the dobermans working like this. Super.
shouting frantically and turning from one direction to another(omit==> other).
The light swept passed(<==I think this should be past) them and they ran across into the darkness.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Way to go, Tony! You get 'em, boy. Don't let those bad dudes get away. This is an excellent chapter, Gayle. Of course, I've come to expect nothing less from you. Great writing skills with a terrific plot and characters. I'm loving having the dobermans working like this. Super.
shouting frantically and turning from one direction to another(omit==> other).
The light swept passed(<==I think this should be past) them and they ran across into the darkness.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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LOL! I swear, the dogs are always the stars in my books. Don't you just love 'em!
Man,I don't like it when my cat stalks me! Imagine a 100 pound dog doing that! Brrr!
Hey Renie, I'll get to those edits poste haste. Thanks so much for the eagle eye and the wonderful comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
I can predict Tony coming up to them before they know of it or can say the word " yellow". I am amazed these people would die for such an unhealthy cause.A grip on this story can be found on the parellel of reality and so that bites.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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I can predict Tony coming up to them before they know of it or can say the word " yellow". I am amazed these people would die for such an unhealthy cause.A grip on this story can be found on the parellel of reality and so that bites.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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LOL! Yep, Tony is as quiet as a mouse. I am just about to publish the first book in this series, Secret Lives, and the minute it's ready, I'm sending a copy to you! Amy was the first of the dogs...she isn't doing much in these chapters, but she's something else!
Much love, thanks and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from J.E. Brown
This is a must read... very well written and no wasted energy. And "Da" i liked it a lot. The only thing i have to do now is read the other chapters. And, if you don't mind, i would love to join your fan club.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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This is a must read... very well written and no wasted energy. And "Da" i liked it a lot. The only thing i have to do now is read the other chapters. And, if you don't mind, i would love to join your fan club.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Well, I'm sayin', when you can start the morning off with a fine review like this it sets the tone for the whole day. Thank you so much for the wonderful comments and I'd be delighted to get to know you!
Best,
Gayle
Comment from Celtic~Soul
Argh! Damn it! I had this half-reviewed and accidentally hit the stupid Save to Review box thingy and lost all my notes! Shit! (Yes, I said that!) I guess I need to finish my sherry and go to bed, 'cause my fingers are not working right (and I've only had one little glass, really!) I'll pop back in tomorrow and give you the real review...right now, I'm just soooo pissed...
Anyway, good chapter, hon'! Lots of movement, suspense, shooting, cops...cool!
Mwah!
Dawn
***
Okay, I think I've reconstructed my comments with some adjustments based on adjustments you've made in the mean time. Edgy, active chapter, BTW. Really left us wondering who gets whom and where! Here goes:
Detective Riley closed his cell with a snap and hit the call button on the walkie-talkie connecting him with his men. "Go." - I had some other notes on this section last night, but someone else must have found some of the same things I did, 'casue I see you've changed it. Anyway, I still have a few thoughts:
Detective Riley closed his cell with a snap and hit the call button on his walkie-talkie. "Go!" he shouted. (since you undoubtedly set this up in previous chap, the reader should know what his Go means) Heart pounding, he hopped into his car and tore up the hill. At the top, he hit the breaks and parked behind the other cruisers. He leapt from the car, drawing his gun, and ran to join his crew. - Does that seem more immediate, more rushed with movement?
wide, expansive - redundant
The front of the house blazed - for a second I thought the house was on fire!
calling on the kidnappers to come out of the house with their hands up - this seemed a bit cliche for me
Darkest night became high noon as the huge klieg lights mounted on the truck erupted, allowing the cops to monitor movement around the rear of the estate. - watch wordiness: Midnight became noon when the vehicle's rack of klieg lights lit up the yard. The lights swept back and forth across the upper lawn and around to the fence line. Moments later...glass. The lights continued to sweep the back yard. (area is redundant)
She stared at his hands, reading the signals. - perilously into dog's POV
She streaked across the dark yard and disappeared. - I think you could beef this up: She streaked across the lawn, her black coat melding with the darkness. (or something like that)
They vanished into the darkness - who saw them vanish? seemed a bit narrator-ish
Let's just check it out and see what goes down - seemed redundant when I read this, very similar to the line he just used
They nodded in terse agreement - this seemed kind of like telling, and terse doesn't really say anything as well as more descriptive actions could, maybe a visual: While Jim guided Andy and Candace, Lenny led the group down the trail toward the fence. They stuck close to the chainlink (or whatever) and moved away from the noise of the assault on the house.
Between the intermittent gunshots and continual urgings of the loudspeaker, their ears rang. - I was left wondering whose POV are we in? Does one of them know that everyone's ears are ringing? LOL!
Gesturing with his hands - but only JIm could see this, right? since he has the NV goggles and it's so dark
Andy had a firm grip... - you're dodging twice in this paragraph, I think you could revisit and zest this up a bit
slanted his eyes - okay, maybe it's just me, but this seemed funny
Lenny and Pete spoke a bit longer and then hung up. - if there isn't anything else the reader needs to know, I'd skip this and just have him tuck the phone away
two men who charged out of the screened back porch - aren't there cops watching the back, wouldn't they see these guys? just curious
She divided her attention ... - I know you don't like 'em, but this sentence is a whopper and needs some commas (there, I said it!)
inky darkness - just chekcing, but did you use this already? seems to be a lot of refernce tothe darkness in this chapter LOL
Never taking her eyes off the men, she began to stalk them. - hiding in the shurbs implies she's standing still, stalking implies movement...hmmmm, I think I'd tweak here. ...slipped behind the shrubs. Silently, she moved through the foliage, stalking her charges. Tony held his ground, watching and waiting for the next signal. (or whatever)
the man with green eyes looked - Now, I'm lost for POV, we were just in the dogs', but this seems narratorish or have we had an unheralded switch to the Russians? But they wouldn't know where the dogs are...
green eyes - I think, since you're using this as his name, you should cap it for clarity, Green Eyes turned to his fellows
If it is necessary that we give our lives - I don't like to fuss with your dialogue, but this seemed redundant
voices terse and - terse, again? hmmm...
Without a moon, the tall leafy trees made the night as dark as sin. - if there was no moon (but there always is even a sliver unless it's cloudy), why would the leafy trees make the night so much darker? just a thought
allowing no telltale shadow - if it's that dark would a dog have a shadow that the men would even notice? do dogs know about shadows?
Okay, that's it. I know I had a lot of suggestions, but most seemed subjective to me, so I'm leaving the fiver in place.
Whatcha think? Any help? Hope so! Loved it. C ya!
Duch'
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Argh! Damn it! I had this half-reviewed and accidentally hit the stupid Save to Review box thingy and lost all my notes! Shit! (Yes, I said that!) I guess I need to finish my sherry and go to bed, 'cause my fingers are not working right (and I've only had one little glass, really!) I'll pop back in tomorrow and give you the real review...right now, I'm just soooo pissed...
Anyway, good chapter, hon'! Lots of movement, suspense, shooting, cops...cool!
Mwah!
Dawn
***
Okay, I think I've reconstructed my comments with some adjustments based on adjustments you've made in the mean time. Edgy, active chapter, BTW. Really left us wondering who gets whom and where! Here goes:
Detective Riley closed his cell with a snap and hit the call button on the walkie-talkie connecting him with his men. "Go." - I had some other notes on this section last night, but someone else must have found some of the same things I did, 'casue I see you've changed it. Anyway, I still have a few thoughts:
Detective Riley closed his cell with a snap and hit the call button on his walkie-talkie. "Go!" he shouted. (since you undoubtedly set this up in previous chap, the reader should know what his Go means) Heart pounding, he hopped into his car and tore up the hill. At the top, he hit the breaks and parked behind the other cruisers. He leapt from the car, drawing his gun, and ran to join his crew. - Does that seem more immediate, more rushed with movement?
wide, expansive - redundant
The front of the house blazed - for a second I thought the house was on fire!
calling on the kidnappers to come out of the house with their hands up - this seemed a bit cliche for me
Darkest night became high noon as the huge klieg lights mounted on the truck erupted, allowing the cops to monitor movement around the rear of the estate. - watch wordiness: Midnight became noon when the vehicle's rack of klieg lights lit up the yard. The lights swept back and forth across the upper lawn and around to the fence line. Moments later...glass. The lights continued to sweep the back yard. (area is redundant)
She stared at his hands, reading the signals. - perilously into dog's POV
She streaked across the dark yard and disappeared. - I think you could beef this up: She streaked across the lawn, her black coat melding with the darkness. (or something like that)
They vanished into the darkness - who saw them vanish? seemed a bit narrator-ish
Let's just check it out and see what goes down - seemed redundant when I read this, very similar to the line he just used
They nodded in terse agreement - this seemed kind of like telling, and terse doesn't really say anything as well as more descriptive actions could, maybe a visual: While Jim guided Andy and Candace, Lenny led the group down the trail toward the fence. They stuck close to the chainlink (or whatever) and moved away from the noise of the assault on the house.
Between the intermittent gunshots and continual urgings of the loudspeaker, their ears rang. - I was left wondering whose POV are we in? Does one of them know that everyone's ears are ringing? LOL!
Gesturing with his hands - but only JIm could see this, right? since he has the NV goggles and it's so dark
Andy had a firm grip... - you're dodging twice in this paragraph, I think you could revisit and zest this up a bit
slanted his eyes - okay, maybe it's just me, but this seemed funny
Lenny and Pete spoke a bit longer and then hung up. - if there isn't anything else the reader needs to know, I'd skip this and just have him tuck the phone away
two men who charged out of the screened back porch - aren't there cops watching the back, wouldn't they see these guys? just curious
She divided her attention ... - I know you don't like 'em, but this sentence is a whopper and needs some commas (there, I said it!)
inky darkness - just chekcing, but did you use this already? seems to be a lot of refernce tothe darkness in this chapter LOL
Never taking her eyes off the men, she began to stalk them. - hiding in the shurbs implies she's standing still, stalking implies movement...hmmmm, I think I'd tweak here. ...slipped behind the shrubs. Silently, she moved through the foliage, stalking her charges. Tony held his ground, watching and waiting for the next signal. (or whatever)
the man with green eyes looked - Now, I'm lost for POV, we were just in the dogs', but this seems narratorish or have we had an unheralded switch to the Russians? But they wouldn't know where the dogs are...
green eyes - I think, since you're using this as his name, you should cap it for clarity, Green Eyes turned to his fellows
If it is necessary that we give our lives - I don't like to fuss with your dialogue, but this seemed redundant
voices terse and - terse, again? hmmm...
Without a moon, the tall leafy trees made the night as dark as sin. - if there was no moon (but there always is even a sliver unless it's cloudy), why would the leafy trees make the night so much darker? just a thought
allowing no telltale shadow - if it's that dark would a dog have a shadow that the men would even notice? do dogs know about shadows?
Okay, that's it. I know I had a lot of suggestions, but most seemed subjective to me, so I'm leaving the fiver in place.
Whatcha think? Any help? Hope so! Loved it. C ya!
Duch'
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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LOL! Duch, I know what you mean! I've done that, lost the whole thing to cyberspace! Ah, not to worry. Just ship those notes over in a pm if you don't want to bother with another 'review' here. Oh, now sherry, is it? Merlot for me. I find it's very good for story composition. For SPAG, also very good. In the morning you get the feeling you were writing in Greek. LOL!
Love ya,
Cali C
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Okay, I just slobbered all over the review pane with words of suggestion. Take a gander at the new review and see what's up. Did I help?
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Oh my goodness, Duch, this is wonderful. Freddie does this for me, too, and what a huge difference it makes. I can't thank you enough.
Okay, just to respond to your questions, I'll address them. Then I'll go in and make the corrections and you can read a whole new, wonderful piece!
Okay, I have the Russians speaking in a 'hesitant' way because I don't want to use an accent and get that Boris and Natasha thingy going again. Do you think the dialogue comes off stilted as it is?
green-eyes...in the ms it's in italics. Which would you like to see better, that or caps?
shadows...Lord, you're sure right there. Tony is smart but he doesn't know about shadows, lol. Even worse, there's no shadows that night, it's pitch black!
pov-technicalities...okay. I know what you mean and I guess we are in the dog's pov in a couple of places. Or if not 'in' then 'right next to'. I don't have them 'think' anything and I'm mostly describing their actions but here's the question.
If you were just reading along at the pool or in your room, and you're all tied up in the action, would you notice that as a pov thing or would you just ride right over it? As you can imagine, after five books in this series, I've come up against that from time to time. The readers mostly love the dogs and really get into the action they're in. Serious, I'd like to know how you feel. Did you read the chapter where Amy got tossed all over the Jag and they meet up with the cop? Now, no one mentioned it there, but I really thought I skated on some thin ice there, too, but they're such an integral part of the story, it's hard not to treat them like the rest of the characters!
My dear friend, you get a thumb for this...a handful of thumbs! Well, that would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it.
Give me about ten minutes and check it out again. You'll see a tweaked and improved chapter!
Love ya,
Happy Countess
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Okay, one at a time, here goes!
Do you think the dialogue comes off stilted as it is? No, I don't recall the Russians' dialogue bugging me, other than that one phrase or two I mentioned needed tweaking.
green-eyes...in the ms it's in italics. Which would you like to see better, that or caps? - I think when you get to the second use, I'd like to see it in caps, you're using it like his name, first instance could be italics to draw attention to it - or did you use this in a chapter I haven't read yet, or one I read a while ago? Then defintely go wiht caps in all subsequent instances
shadows...Lord, you're sure right there. Tony is smart but he doesn't know about shadows, lol. Even worse, there's no shadows that night, it's pitch black! LOL! Sometimes wish dogs would notice shadows, be cool!
pov-technicalities...If you were just reading along at the pool or in your room, and you're all tied up in the action, would you notice that as a pov thing or would you just ride right over it? Hmmm...good question.
Yes, I did read the chap. with Amy in the Jag and I think that was pretty smooth, mostly you SHOWED her reactions. I know, you're in a tricky wicket here, because the dogs are out there on their own and you want to show how they're helping with things. The only the thing you could do is clarify what directions the dogs were given before they left Lenny and (who's the other guy?) and then have the Russians react to little noises or feeling like they're being watched. SInce the readers would be in on the secret, they'd figure out it was the dogs stalking and hiding in the bushes...would build tons of suspense. Then when the factions good and bad reunite (I'm assuming they will for the climax), have the dogs bound in and turn the tide for the good guys? I don't know, just my thoughts on how I'd handle it I guess. Would cut down on the POV risks and the gray areas.
Did that help? Or more than you wanted? LOL I'll take a gander in a bit. I need to earn a few bucks and then another chapter of Rhia goes up! I know, 'bout time!
Hugs, dolly!
Dawn
Comment from Badjuju
Excellent so far, I look forward to catching up on the previous chapters. I certainly want to be prepared for future chapters. Great job, very well written.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Excellent so far, I look forward to catching up on the previous chapters. I certainly want to be prepared for future chapters. Great job, very well written.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hi Badjuju...what a cute name! So nice to meet you and welcome to Fanstory.
I so appreciate your comments and thank you for your review. It is so hard to come into the novel at the end, always is, but you seemed to be able to deal with the chapter as is. That, my friend, can be very hard to do. Hope to see you again! Thanks,
Gayle
Comment from cherry_rose
Very nice detail. You do a good job of building the suspense. Now I wonder, neo-nazis...Russians or someone else. I'm going to add this to my book case so I can read the earlier chapters more easily. This story appears quite interesting to me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Very nice detail. You do a good job of building the suspense. Now I wonder, neo-nazis...Russians or someone else. I'm going to add this to my book case so I can read the earlier chapters more easily. This story appears quite interesting to me.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2008
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2008
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Hi Cherry,
Well, we're here at the very end and so much has passed already, if you like the style and story you might want to go back to the beginning. If you like dogs, you'll enjoy this, for sure.
Again, thank you so much for the fine review,
Best,
Gayle
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I was planning on going back to the beginning, just as soon as I get back from vacation. I think I will enjoy the story very much.
