Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Candace Baker"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
22 total reviews
Comment from Johnny Carwash
This story continues to get better and better. You definitely have the horror genre thing down pat. I wouldn't change a thing.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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This story continues to get better and better. You definitely have the horror genre thing down pat. I wouldn't change a thing.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Thanks Johnny, so good to see you again and thanks for the R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
You are getting this dog/detective genre down pat.
This line caught my attention, though:
Lenny flipped the switch on his pocket tape recorder and leaned forward.
Lenny is an old cop and probably would stick to the 'old fashion way' of doing thing. But I'll bet Jim would have introduced him to some kind of a solid state, electronic recording device. :-)
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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You are getting this dog/detective genre down pat.
This line caught my attention, though:
Lenny flipped the switch on his pocket tape recorder and leaned forward.
Lenny is an old cop and probably would stick to the 'old fashion way' of doing thing. But I'll bet Jim would have introduced him to some kind of a solid state, electronic recording device. :-)
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Freddie!!! OMG, so good to see you again. See, I need you to get me up to speed. Is that a blueberry or a ipod or what? I'm stuck in the 70's!
Thanks so much and soooo good to see you again.
Hugs,
Annabelle
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Trouble is, I don't know either. I'm one of those who still have a tape recorder, but it just seems that there must be something. :-)
Comment from RenieReader
Oh, Gayle, I love the way Tony turned Candace Baker around 160 degrees. It's amazing what a champion animal can do when on display. I can't wait to see how the new female interacts with the family, as well as the outcome when the weirdo approaches them or the car again. Kudos.
Renie
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Oh, Gayle, I love the way Tony turned Candace Baker around 160 degrees. It's amazing what a champion animal can do when on display. I can't wait to see how the new female interacts with the family, as well as the outcome when the weirdo approaches them or the car again. Kudos.
Renie
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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LO! Renie, how did you know they're gonna get a girl dog? You're reading my mind, m'dear.
I think this will have some amusing outcomes, as well as a few tricks Tony has up his sleeve!
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
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Fer sure we do that with each other, huh? LOL.
Comment from butterflykiss
Doberman are huge, My granddaughter has one and he is a big baby but he still scares me. I sure can understand why a stalker would find another prey. Hope this works for Candace, stalker are dangerous.
Hugs.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Doberman are huge, My granddaughter has one and he is a big baby but he still scares me. I sure can understand why a stalker would find another prey. Hope this works for Candace, stalker are dangerous.
Hugs.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hi Butterflykiss...what a cute name. I think I've already said that, but still true.
Yeah, Dobies are big, they they'll give their life for their people no questions asked. I'm so glad you know and like them and yes, they're babies but, shhhh, it's a secret!
Hugs and big thanks for the wonderful comments,
Gayle
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Hello,
You're welcome.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter to see what happens.
See you then.
Butterflykiss
Comment from c_lucas
Very well written and a very interesting piece about guard dogs. smooth easy read. Good imagery and descriptive scheme. This adds a whole new angle to the story.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Very well written and a very interesting piece about guard dogs. smooth easy read. Good imagery and descriptive scheme. This adds a whole new angle to the story.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Oh my, Charlie! A sixer! Man, I'm smiling all over my face. I'm glad you like the dogs because I'm hoping to make this story involve the dogs and what they can do...at least in the writers mind. You're gonna love it.
Thank yo again for the use of one of your precious sixes!
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're welcome. Charlie
Comment from Domino
Hi, Gayle.
Vivid opening describing the setting, and clever smooth intro of Baker and his 'shrug' at the pitcher.- an original 'tag'
Another classy intro of Candice
'an almost musical tone on the marbel' - excellent visual
It's all excellent and beyond my critique. Your expressionate writng is helped by your obvious knowledge of animals.
Well done, Gayle. Ray xx
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hi, Gayle.
Vivid opening describing the setting, and clever smooth intro of Baker and his 'shrug' at the pitcher.- an original 'tag'
Another classy intro of Candice
'an almost musical tone on the marbel' - excellent visual
It's all excellent and beyond my critique. Your expressionate writng is helped by your obvious knowledge of animals.
Well done, Gayle. Ray xx
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hey Ray, well, years of training horses gets you in touch with all four legged critters, but I have a special afinity for Dobies. I've had a couple over the years,and there is nothing like them.
Thank you, dear, for the wonderful comments and your precious friendship. You rock!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent second chapter, although Candace's attitude toward dogs is a bit difficult to determine. I assume that she is into horses, not dogs. Here is where she says, "I used to breed thoroughbreds and I know a champion when I see one. Absolutely outstanding, but can you trust them? I've heard stories about them turning on their masters and...."
I think it would help the reader for her to say "I used to breed thoroughbred horses and I know a champion when I see one. But dogs? Can you trust them?..." She sounds rather ignorant about dogs, and I'm sure she doesn't want to see dog poop on her travertine marble floor.
I found one possible nit: "I understand you're concerned that someone might be stalking your family?" I don't think you should end this sentence with a question mark, although Jim might have stated this in a questioning way.
All in all, this is an excellent second chapter. If this were real life, it would be easy to dismiss the stranger as a nut case (I've seen folks like this, myself) and have the plot come to a rapid and dull, average conclusion. But of course, this isn't going to happen...
Dave M
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Gayle,
This is an excellent second chapter, although Candace's attitude toward dogs is a bit difficult to determine. I assume that she is into horses, not dogs. Here is where she says, "I used to breed thoroughbreds and I know a champion when I see one. Absolutely outstanding, but can you trust them? I've heard stories about them turning on their masters and...."
I think it would help the reader for her to say "I used to breed thoroughbred horses and I know a champion when I see one. But dogs? Can you trust them?..." She sounds rather ignorant about dogs, and I'm sure she doesn't want to see dog poop on her travertine marble floor.
I found one possible nit: "I understand you're concerned that someone might be stalking your family?" I don't think you should end this sentence with a question mark, although Jim might have stated this in a questioning way.
All in all, this is an excellent second chapter. If this were real life, it would be easy to dismiss the stranger as a nut case (I've seen folks like this, myself) and have the plot come to a rapid and dull, average conclusion. But of course, this isn't going to happen...
Dave M
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Whoa, my friend, what an absolutely marvaleous suggestion...is that how you spell that?
Anyway, yes, she's a horse gal, but I'm gonna bring out before the end of the chapter why she's fearful of big dogs. She's about to have the most incredible change of heart. I hope I can write it as well as I see it.
Let me check that out about Jim, etc. They've just met, but you're right. I can make that stronger. Yes, for sure, I can.
Hey you, here's a thumb!
Huge hugs and thanks for the wonderful review.
Gayle
Comment from medisec
Well, I'm glad I tuned in to this chapter (and hopefully I will find time while I'm on holidays to read the 1st chapter, too), as I quite enjoyed this and would like to continue reading. I love the genre, so you have my attention. The diaglogue is well done, and strong characterizations come out of good dialogue, Gayle. Well done.
I do have some suggestions for edits (most punctuation):
middle-aged
them(,) I can hardly sleep
ten(;) she's the light
tomato(,) and headed
told him(,) no, I did not
his eyes(,) then stared at Andy.
Suburban(,) a glossy
ears up(.) He smiled.
tones(,) then approached
sing-song(y)
outstanding(,) but
Medisec (Rae)
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Well, I'm glad I tuned in to this chapter (and hopefully I will find time while I'm on holidays to read the 1st chapter, too), as I quite enjoyed this and would like to continue reading. I love the genre, so you have my attention. The diaglogue is well done, and strong characterizations come out of good dialogue, Gayle. Well done.
I do have some suggestions for edits (most punctuation):
middle-aged
them(,) I can hardly sleep
ten(;) she's the light
tomato(,) and headed
told him(,) no, I did not
his eyes(,) then stared at Andy.
Suburban(,) a glossy
ears up(.) He smiled.
tones(,) then approached
sing-song(y)
outstanding(,) but
Medisec (Rae)
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hi Rae,
You're taking a bussman's holiday, reading FS on vacation! I know how it is, a real addiction.
Thanks for the edit suggestions. Let me get in there and read it again. Sometimes I need to get away fromt he piece before I can see the errors.
Thanks a bunch<~>
Gayle
Comment from Lynn27
Hi Gayle,
This is a wonderful chapter that you penned had a good flow and easy to follow. Your details are lovely and powerful and painted the scene for me as I read.
One thing that bothers me, Jim and Lenny attitude about Mrs. Barker run-in with the man. Them being PIs, they written her off, which did not set with me well. I am wondering why they did not ask her what this man looked like. I do agree with them that Baker family needs a bodyguard.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hi Gayle,
This is a wonderful chapter that you penned had a good flow and easy to follow. Your details are lovely and powerful and painted the scene for me as I read.
One thing that bothers me, Jim and Lenny attitude about Mrs. Barker run-in with the man. Them being PIs, they written her off, which did not set with me well. I am wondering why they did not ask her what this man looked like. I do agree with them that Baker family needs a bodyguard.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hi Lynn,
Jim and Lenny didn't write Candace off, they're very concerned for her safety, which is why they are urging her to buy a guard dog. Lenny gets her full statement and a description while Jim gets Tony from the car. In the next chapter, which is really part two of this chapter, we'll hear all about what the guy looks like and we'll meet Sara.
Thanks so much for the great comments and support,
Gayle
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is a great piece of
descriptive writing, a story
cleverly told and well presented,
a real pleasure to review.
I've made a few suggestions, but of course,
whether you use them or not is entirely up
to you.
and then drew a deep sigh.
you draw breath... so... how about ...
and then let out a deep sigh...
and released a deep sigh...
Her hands began to shiver and
Her hands began to tremble and
Round gold(en) eyes wide,
She spoke in low tones then approached the dog as Jim agreed.
She spoke in low tones as she approached the dog, since Jim had agreed.
Their loyalty is unquestioned.
Their loyalty is unquestionable.
An enjoyable read,
Regards,
Margaret.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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This is a great piece of
descriptive writing, a story
cleverly told and well presented,
a real pleasure to review.
I've made a few suggestions, but of course,
whether you use them or not is entirely up
to you.
and then drew a deep sigh.
you draw breath... so... how about ...
and then let out a deep sigh...
and released a deep sigh...
Her hands began to shiver and
Her hands began to tremble and
Round gold(en) eyes wide,
She spoke in low tones then approached the dog as Jim agreed.
She spoke in low tones as she approached the dog, since Jim had agreed.
Their loyalty is unquestioned.
Their loyalty is unquestionable.
An enjoyable read,
Regards,
Margaret.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2008
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Hey Margaret,
A great eye, there. I made the hands "quiver" actually, got the golden and definitely agree with "let out".
Thanks so much m'dear. Always a pleasure to see you,
Hugs,
Gayle
