Pigeon
Hitchhiker or carjacker?48 total reviews
Comment from Eternal Muse
What an incredible story! Narrated with the mastery of Hitchcock to keep a reader's interest to the end. I can't believe this! You could have gotten killed, flown off the bridge because of this bird's interference. God really looked after you. Oh, if it's fictional, your character.
Incredibly well told, with great internal dialogue. It's a hit!
Bravo.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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What an incredible story! Narrated with the mastery of Hitchcock to keep a reader's interest to the end. I can't believe this! You could have gotten killed, flown off the bridge because of this bird's interference. God really looked after you. Oh, if it's fictional, your character.
Incredibly well told, with great internal dialogue. It's a hit!
Bravo.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2017
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Oh, thank you, Yelena, for your encouraging, six star review of my incredible story. No, you shouldn't believe this. It was my submission to the Bay Area Liar's Competition. Thanks.
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superb
Comment from Spitfire
Super story and what fun to read aloud. Many drivers have experienced similar things when a wasp flies into their car. My speaker isn't working so I couldn't listen to your reading. For me it would have won, especially with the last line. Effective use of short clipped sentences.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Super story and what fun to read aloud. Many drivers have experienced similar things when a wasp flies into their car. My speaker isn't working so I couldn't listen to your reading. For me it would have won, especially with the last line. Effective use of short clipped sentences.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Spitfire, for your review. Given that the goal of the contest was to tell a believable lie, I crafted my story from things that have happened--birds flying into cars, Bay Bridge phobia after the quake, the method for catching a bird. While this did not win the contest, I am quite pleased with the result and am glad you found it fun to read aloud. Thanks.
Comment from thonnigford09
Sis Cat, I really loved this and would like to say I would recommend it. Also, I read the author notes...so... is this embellished or not. The pigeon??? There also seems to be some symbolism here. Like just getting through life and each day and getting across the bridge. The setting was interesting also. I liked the artwork. Thanks, Theresa.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Sis Cat, I really loved this and would like to say I would recommend it. Also, I read the author notes...so... is this embellished or not. The pigeon??? There also seems to be some symbolism here. Like just getting through life and each day and getting across the bridge. The setting was interesting also. I liked the artwork. Thanks, Theresa.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Theresa, for your generous, six star review. Trying to win a contest for the most believable lie, I turned for inspiration to Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaiden's Tale" which she composed from things that have happened in history. This provided her novel with a realism and plausibility I wanted to replicate in my story constructed from things that have happened in my life or to people I know and don't know:
My fear of crossing the Bay Bridge after the earthquake
Pigeons that roost on the old bridge
My friend's phobia of pigeons
My collision with a bird while driving
A bird that got in my house and had to be caught with a towel
My response to an earthquake drill as the real thing, causing me to hide under my desk and cover my head.
This YouTube video of a woman reporting that she almost crashed when a bird flew into her car while driving:
I put all of these elements together to tell a plausible story for a contest that judged the most believable lie. While I won a wooden nickel as a consolation prize, I had fun writing and performing this story.
Thank you for your review.
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Thanks, Theresa.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a fun write and I'm glad no one was harmed in the making of this story! The pigeon hitched a ride across the bridge in your car, fascinating stuff! Best regards Dolly x
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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This is a fun write and I'm glad no one was harmed in the making of this story! The pigeon hitched a ride across the bridge in your car, fascinating stuff! Best regards Dolly x
Comment Written 16-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Dolly, for your review. I am glad you had fun with my story.
Comment from lotgrinder
Near the beginning of the story, you use the word "head" twice in two sentences right after another. Say something like, "Dome" instead of head. Smack, "something smacked the side of my peanut shaped dome. Also, why not use the word "shit" at the end? You are trying to be funny. This is about humor. Swear. It is more powerful than "deposit."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Near the beginning of the story, you use the word "head" twice in two sentences right after another. Say something like, "Dome" instead of head. Smack, "something smacked the side of my peanut shaped dome. Also, why not use the word "shit" at the end? You are trying to be funny. This is about humor. Swear. It is more powerful than "deposit."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Thank you, lotgrinder, for your review. Given that I performed this story before a theater audience that included children and I was under a strict five minute time limit, neither of your suggestions would work because they would add time to my performance and offend the judges and my audience that night. I could replace one of the "head" with "face" and still keep my story under five minutes. Thanks for the review and the suggestion.
Comment from suzterus
This was a great story! I love the description and the easy flow. I love the characters interaction with themselves and the bird seemed to have a bit of its own charm.
Here's one thing I noticed.
I then realized that the pigeon had flown through my open car window. not needed- on the Bay Bridge. -Already stated on the bridge.
Great job
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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This was a great story! I love the description and the easy flow. I love the characters interaction with themselves and the bird seemed to have a bit of its own charm.
Here's one thing I noticed.
I then realized that the pigeon had flown through my open car window. not needed- on the Bay Bridge. -Already stated on the bridge.
Great job
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, suzterus, for your review. Yes, once of my great strokes of genius the day before my performance of this story was to give the pigeon a voice and a personality. I spent fifteen minutes listening to pigeons on a train platform so I could imitate their cooing and movement.
Thanks for your suggestion I omit the mention of the Bay Bridge the second time. My San Francisco audience laughed when I said that line, because everyone had driven that pigeon-infested bridge, but in the written version outside of the region I may omit "Bay Bridge."
Thank you for your review and suggestion.
Comment from lyenochka
That's a hilarious story, Andre! Thanks for sharing it in writing and in your memorized retelling. That's some hitchhiker you had. Sorry it paid with a deposit!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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That's a hilarious story, Andre! Thanks for sharing it in writing and in your memorized retelling. That's some hitchhiker you had. Sorry it paid with a deposit!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, lyenochka, for your generous review of my hilarious story. I appreciate it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was so funny, and so realistic! Those pigeons are crafty little creatures, and I could believe that happening, just to get a lift across. I love the fact he left a deposit, now that was a classic ending! Superb. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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That was so funny, and so realistic! Those pigeons are crafty little creatures, and I could believe that happening, just to get a lift across. I love the fact he left a deposit, now that was a classic ending! Superb. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Sandra, for your generous review. Trying to win a contest for the most believable lie, I turned for inspiration to Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaiden's Tale" which she composed of things that have happened in history. This provided her novel with a realism that I wanted to replicate in my story constructed from things that have happened in my life or to people I know and don't know:
My fear of crossing the Bay Bridge after the earthquake
Pigeons that roost on the old bridge
My friend's phobia of pigeons
My collision with a bird while driving
A bird that got in my house and had to be caught with a towel
My response to an earthquake drill as the real thing, causing me to hide under my desk and cover my head.
This YouTube video of a woman reporting that she almost crashed when a bird flew into her car while driving:
I put all of these elements together to tell a plausible story for a contest that judged the most believable lie. While I won a wooden nickel as a consolation prize, I had fun writing and performing this story.
Thank you for your review and for praising my story's realism.
Comment from Ulla
Hahahaha, Andre, this is a good one. I loved the story both the written and oral delivery of the story. Very realistically told and written. I enjoyed. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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Hahahaha, Andre, this is a good one. I loved the story both the written and oral delivery of the story. Very realistically told and written. I enjoyed. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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Oh, thank you, Ulla, for your review. I am glad you enjoyed my written and performed story and that they gave you a laugh.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Funny story, Andre! I enjoyed your tall tale of the pigeon, and you did a good job setting the scene and interspersing humor throughout. Good luck with your future endeavors.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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Funny story, Andre! I enjoyed your tall tale of the pigeon, and you did a good job setting the scene and interspersing humor throughout. Good luck with your future endeavors.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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Thank you, Russell, for your generous review of my funny story. As for future endeavors, I am rehearsing poetry, singing, and may even add some dance moves, but I look forward to performing my story again next week. Thanks.