Fear on the Bayou
Two weeks in New Orleans for R&R19 total reviews
Comment from Norbanus
Rating of Chapter 24 - Attack!
Hot Damn! what a chapter. Tony and Amy both in the action what a fight. There's not a thing I could suggest to improve this one. Not even the occasioual bit of wordiness. You are really developing your skills. Way to go.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
  |
Hot Damn! what a chapter. Tony and Amy both in the action what a fight. There's not a thing I could suggest to improve this one. Not even the occasioual bit of wordiness. You are really developing your skills. Way to go.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
-
Freddie! I just couldn't wait to hear from you. And you're packin' a sixer. Oh boy, thank you so much.
I've been working hard, dear mentor or mine, never forgetting the admonitions of those I love best. So good to know you've had the chance to see the fruits of your labors, as it were.
Big hugs and thanks,
Annabelle
Comment from rwilliam
Rating of Chapter 24 - Attack!
Ella pause before swallowing. -Nit pick I think you mean 'paused'. :-)
WHOA!! What great twists and turns. Just when I thought it was all being wrapped up with a pretty bow that darn alligator! GREAT JOB!!! *clap * clap * clap
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
 |
Ella pause before swallowing. -Nit pick I think you mean 'paused'. :-)
WHOA!! What great twists and turns. Just when I thought it was all being wrapped up with a pretty bow that darn alligator! GREAT JOB!!! *clap * clap * clap
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
-
Ya liked that one, hey? Knew you would! :)
Yes, I meant paused and will get right in there to fix, eagle eyed girl! Thanks so much, you can't know how important it is to have the support of friends like you.
Hugs and love,
Gayle
-
That is so good to hear, Gayle. Sometimes I worry I'm too nit picky but I also know those do come in handy at some point before publication. :-) I'm so happy to be a help.
Comment from nor84
Rating of Chapter 24 - Attack!
I caught you on an "up next" again. As usual, I'm dictating this.
Just my opinion, but people who are terribly thirsty usually gulp water. Sipping is a slow process, and here's what my dictionary says:
Languid: 1. Lacking energy or vitality; weak: a languid wave of the hand.
2. Showing little or no spirit or animation; listless: a languid mood.
3. Lacking vigor or force; slow: languid breezes.
I'm thinking she would be gulping the water, vigorously, not sipping listlessly -- even if she was so weak she had to hold onto something to stand up.
She can't get 12 ounces of water down that fast by sipping.
Ella pause (paused) before swallowing.
Wouldn't Ella be anxious to get out of there? I can understand water and then food being a priority, but mainly the water. I'd want to get out rather than show someone around the place. The women don't know the men are on the way at this point, but Terry got there some way, and I'd think Ella would just want to go back with her.
I suggest the alligator knocked her in the river rather than "threw".
With a vicious sideways swipe,>>> I suggest "swipe of the tail".
perhaps feeling a twinge of hunger.>>> I don't think that's needed. Anybody who knows about gators would expect it to go for the dog as food.
Aware of the secondary attack of reinforcements>>> the gator doesn't need a point of view, and it's best to keep action scenes as tight as you can.
He pulled his gun from his waistband (,)[and] took deadly aim and squeezed off two shots.>>> "and" not necessary and it slows things down.
With a roar, he let the dog go and leaped out of the water, Amy clamped to the base of his tail.>>>> The gator changed from "it" to "he". You might want to look at that.
causing waves of water>>> not sure you need "of water".
I have a little trouble with suspension of disbelief here, but I'm not telling you how to write. When a gator gets something in its mouth it immediately rolls over to drag its prize under and drown it. I didn't see this action as written.
With two bullets in its head, depending on the caliber of the handgun, I think that would do it. Those jaws snap shut with bone-breaking force, and I'm not seeing enough damage from that or enough up-front concern on the part of the dog's people. The near drowning and the snap of the jaws would be as bad for Tony --or worse -- a wound from a tooth. You could wring a little more pathos out of this situation.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
 |
I caught you on an "up next" again. As usual, I'm dictating this.
Just my opinion, but people who are terribly thirsty usually gulp water. Sipping is a slow process, and here's what my dictionary says:
Languid: 1. Lacking energy or vitality; weak: a languid wave of the hand.
2. Showing little or no spirit or animation; listless: a languid mood.
3. Lacking vigor or force; slow: languid breezes.
I'm thinking she would be gulping the water, vigorously, not sipping listlessly -- even if she was so weak she had to hold onto something to stand up.
She can't get 12 ounces of water down that fast by sipping.
Ella pause (paused) before swallowing.
Wouldn't Ella be anxious to get out of there? I can understand water and then food being a priority, but mainly the water. I'd want to get out rather than show someone around the place. The women don't know the men are on the way at this point, but Terry got there some way, and I'd think Ella would just want to go back with her.
I suggest the alligator knocked her in the river rather than "threw".
With a vicious sideways swipe,>>> I suggest "swipe of the tail".
perhaps feeling a twinge of hunger.>>> I don't think that's needed. Anybody who knows about gators would expect it to go for the dog as food.
Aware of the secondary attack of reinforcements>>> the gator doesn't need a point of view, and it's best to keep action scenes as tight as you can.
He pulled his gun from his waistband (,)[and] took deadly aim and squeezed off two shots.>>> "and" not necessary and it slows things down.
With a roar, he let the dog go and leaped out of the water, Amy clamped to the base of his tail.>>>> The gator changed from "it" to "he". You might want to look at that.
causing waves of water>>> not sure you need "of water".
I have a little trouble with suspension of disbelief here, but I'm not telling you how to write. When a gator gets something in its mouth it immediately rolls over to drag its prize under and drown it. I didn't see this action as written.
With two bullets in its head, depending on the caliber of the handgun, I think that would do it. Those jaws snap shut with bone-breaking force, and I'm not seeing enough damage from that or enough up-front concern on the part of the dog's people. The near drowning and the snap of the jaws would be as bad for Tony --or worse -- a wound from a tooth. You could wring a little more pathos out of this situation.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
-
She isn't drinking fast at all, that's what I meant by languid. It's not like she has unlimited refills! If she spits it up, she looses it. No mas!
The gator, when it caught Tony, also caught two bullets in the head, followed by another in the gut. Amy clamped onto its tail made it let go of Tony.
You're right, it's very fast, and will probably be expanded to several pages in the final book.
Thanks so much for the great ideas and suggestions.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from sweetwoodjax
Rating of Chapter 24 - Attack!
this is very well written, showboat, you did a great job writing this chapter where ella gets some food and water in her and the dogs save the women from an alligator attack
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
|
this is very well written, showboat, you did a great job writing this chapter where ella gets some food and water in her and the dogs save the women from an alligator attack
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
-
Hi Jax, this chapter was difficult to write - I don't know much about 'gators, lol, but I know dogs! So glad you liked this one and hope you come in for the last two chapters.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Joy Graham
Rating of Chapter 24 - Attack!
I knew it! I don't like alligators. I just knew there was going to be a clash with one of those guys. Glad they found Ella and that they are all headed to safety. Hope the dogs will be ok.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
|
I knew it! I don't like alligators. I just knew there was going to be a clash with one of those guys. Glad they found Ella and that they are all headed to safety. Hope the dogs will be ok.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
-
Well, lookee there, a sixer! Thank you so much for that, Joy, and for having a good time with this story. I hope the dogs will be fine, too, but at this point, I'm merely the typist. The characters are running the show!
And again, big thanks for that lovely sixer!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from shelley kaye
Rating of Chapter 24 - Attack!
EEK! i actually screamed when i read "With a vicious sideways swipe, it connected, sending Amy headlong into the river."!
our cats looked at me weird lol :-P
anyway, great chapter! action was good. alligators can move so fast!
one thing though, you may want to add to ella being found.... all of a sudden they were hugging.... who saw her first? amy or terry? how did they see her? ect.... know what i mean?
okay, after i read this part....
Ella and Jim embraced in silence. Later they'd talk, but right now, they had to get to a vet as fast as possible. Jim bent over, slid his arms under Tony's hip and shoulder and picked him up with a grunt. Terry kept contact with the wound and the three of them boarded the police launch. Ella and Lenny followed, with Amy close behind.
had to go back up to reread what happened with amy - she had a huge bite in her side too.... should lenny be carrying her like jim carried tony? just thought i'd mention it :)
great job! you'd better not kill off tony or amy though!
thanx for sharing! :)
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
|
EEK! i actually screamed when i read "With a vicious sideways swipe, it connected, sending Amy headlong into the river."!
our cats looked at me weird lol :-P
anyway, great chapter! action was good. alligators can move so fast!
one thing though, you may want to add to ella being found.... all of a sudden they were hugging.... who saw her first? amy or terry? how did they see her? ect.... know what i mean?
okay, after i read this part....
Ella and Jim embraced in silence. Later they'd talk, but right now, they had to get to a vet as fast as possible. Jim bent over, slid his arms under Tony's hip and shoulder and picked him up with a grunt. Terry kept contact with the wound and the three of them boarded the police launch. Ella and Lenny followed, with Amy close behind.
had to go back up to reread what happened with amy - she had a huge bite in her side too.... should lenny be carrying her like jim carried tony? just thought i'd mention it :)
great job! you'd better not kill off tony or amy though!
thanx for sharing! :)
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
-
I made you squeak! Well, good for me. I was doing a little squeaking myself. I mean, these guys gots teethies ... lots and lots of them. But somehow, the dogs have to make it - no doggies, no stories!
Poor Jim. He's gonna have a breakdown before this is all over!
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
Rating of Chapter 24 - Attack!
I doubled checked and did not see where the twins connected. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
|
I doubled checked and did not see where the twins connected. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2012
-
It was 2/3 chapters ago. She and Amy got into a boat at the plantation and began the search for Ella. Glad you liked this one, Charlie.
Thanks and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rob Caudle
Rating of Chapter 23 - Searching
Stingy with the six stars from the site but you know I love your work. If I had a ten I would give it to you. This again was very well penned a real pleasure to read. I am not anxious for the book to end and the suicide was flawless. Well done my friend I am really hoping to be back full time soon but I just can't miss one word of what you write.
Rob
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
|
Stingy with the six stars from the site but you know I love your work. If I had a ten I would give it to you. This again was very well penned a real pleasure to read. I am not anxious for the book to end and the suicide was flawless. Well done my friend I am really hoping to be back full time soon but I just can't miss one word of what you write.
Rob
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
-
A tenner it is, then! Gleefully accepted! Rob, I'm so glad you liked this one. Once it's done and published, a copy will be on the way to you!
Support like yours means so darned much it's hard to describe. So, when are you going to put pen to paper again? I'm waiting!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
hopefully by mid oct I should be free from so much paying work and can once again concentrate on my passion
Comment from jjstar
Rating of Chapter 23 - Searching
Dang it! This was an absolutely perfect chapter, and apparently I can't six you although I know I have two left. Oh well, I'll get you next time! I was on pins and needles waiting...you got me! Left us with a cliffhanger, darn you! Not really though, because I don't want this book to end!
"Where is my wife, Louise?" Voice a hiss, Jim leaned toward her, glaring and insistent.
===YAY! Get her, Jim!
WOOOOOO HOOOOOO for the sixth paragraph! Perfect!
Son of a bitch!"said Sheriff Perina at the sound of the gunshot.
===yep, what he said!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
|
Dang it! This was an absolutely perfect chapter, and apparently I can't six you although I know I have two left. Oh well, I'll get you next time! I was on pins and needles waiting...you got me! Left us with a cliffhanger, darn you! Not really though, because I don't want this book to end!
"Where is my wife, Louise?" Voice a hiss, Jim leaned toward her, glaring and insistent.
===YAY! Get her, Jim!
WOOOOOO HOOOOOO for the sixth paragraph! Perfect!
Son of a bitch!"said Sheriff Perina at the sound of the gunshot.
===yep, what he said!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
-
Ah, they only allow so many sixers per person, but I'll take the virtual! Gosh, as always, your reviews make me grin. That's a review I want, what worked, what didn't. See, you're so good for me!
Thanks and big hugs,
Gayle
-
Congrats on the nomination for book of the month! Yay! Awww, thanks. Glad to lend a helping hand when I can. As always, you're very welcome. This was a crowning achievement!
-
Thanks, JJ. I loved that chapter. Hope it does well!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from fictionwriter
Rating of Chapter 23 - Searching
Another great chapter. I love when you put the dog trainer stuff in there. I bet Amy is excited to have everyone else join them. Well done
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
|
Another great chapter. I love when you put the dog trainer stuff in there. I bet Amy is excited to have everyone else join them. Well done
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
-
I love to work with the dogs, too, but sometimes raders get testy. Oh well, and I'm so glad you liked this one.
Hugs and big thanks
Gayle
