| Humor Fiction posted February 26, 2020 |
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Unsolicited surprise ''package''
Junk Mail
by Elizabeth Emerald
The author has placed a warning on this post for sexual content.
On Saturday morning, my friend Judy's mailbox featured a cheery note from a friend, expressing confidence that she'd take much pleasure in the enclosed package.
The package turned out to be not nearly as impressive as the sender purported, notwithstanding which it made quite an impression on Judy's husband, Jim, who chanced to open it in her absence.
Judy had neglected to log off the computer Friday night. When Jim riffled though her virtual pile--voila!--he came upon the promised "package."
Albeit modest in size, it was up-close-and-too-damn-personal-in-your-face-UGH!
Jim was furious. Judy was mortified. This friendship of several months' online duration had been spurred by a chance--and mundane--connection to a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend with a mutual interest in horticulture. When her friend had suggested an exchange of photos, Judy dutifully sent one of herself--standing with Jim and the kids--amidst her magnificent tulips. And in return, she got....
"WIENERed."
Apologies for any confusion resulting from the terminology in the preceding, such as would understandably be experienced by readers who came of age once-upon-a-time, when mailboxes were physical entities, generally made of metal (one per household, attached to the outside wall in the vicinity of the front door) into which were deposited literal envelopes, made of actual paper, as were their enclosures (analogous to today's messages) which content was recorded in inked impressions transferred to the paper's surface (accomplished either manually by means of a pen, or by a cumbersome mechanical keyboard).
Other items of note: in those days long-gone-by, a friend was a person one actually knew, and often even saw (that is, face-to-face, rather than on FaceBook) or at least spoke with regularly (that is, voice-to-voice by tethered-to-home telephone rather than via texting.)
A friend might send a photograph of himself (taken with a camera, not with a cell "phone"--ironically called, given it is used for everything but talking.) A friend could also send a package (that is, a tangible gift item wrapped in attractive paper.)
But a friend back then would never, ever, send a friend a photo of his package!
On Saturday morning, my friend Judy's mailbox featured a cheery note from a friend, expressing confidence that she'd take much pleasure in the enclosed package.
The package turned out to be not nearly as impressive as the sender purported, notwithstanding which it made quite an impression on Judy's husband, Jim, who chanced to open it in her absence.
Judy had neglected to log off the computer Friday night. When Jim riffled though her virtual pile--voila!--he came upon the promised "package."
Albeit modest in size, it was up-close-and-too-damn-personal-in-your-face-UGH!
Jim was furious. Judy was mortified. This friendship of several months' online duration had been spurred by a chance--and mundane--connection to a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend with a mutual interest in horticulture. When her friend had suggested an exchange of photos, Judy dutifully sent one of herself--standing with Jim and the kids--amidst her magnificent tulips. And in return, she got....
"WIENERed."
Apologies for any confusion resulting from the terminology in the preceding, such as would understandably be experienced by readers who came of age once-upon-a-time, when mailboxes were physical entities, generally made of metal (one per household, attached to the outside wall in the vicinity of the front door) into which were deposited literal envelopes, made of actual paper, as were their enclosures (analogous to today's messages) which content was recorded in inked impressions transferred to the paper's surface (accomplished either manually by means of a pen, or by a cumbersome mechanical keyboard).
Other items of note: in those days long-gone-by, a friend was a person one actually knew, and often even saw (that is, face-to-face, rather than on FaceBook) or at least spoke with regularly (that is, voice-to-voice by tethered-to-home telephone rather than via texting.)
A friend might send a photograph of himself (taken with a camera, not with a cell "phone"--ironically called, given it is used for everything but talking.) A friend could also send a package (that is, a tangible gift item wrapped in attractive paper.)
But a friend back then would never, ever, send a friend a photo of his package!
The package turned out to be not nearly as impressive as the sender purported, notwithstanding which it made quite an impression on Judy's husband, Jim, who chanced to open it in her absence.
Judy had neglected to log off the computer Friday night. When Jim riffled though her virtual pile--voila!--he came upon the promised "package."
Albeit modest in size, it was up-close-and-too-damn-personal-in-your-face-UGH!
Jim was furious. Judy was mortified. This friendship of several months' online duration had been spurred by a chance--and mundane--connection to a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend with a mutual interest in horticulture. When her friend had suggested an exchange of photos, Judy dutifully sent one of herself--standing with Jim and the kids--amidst her magnificent tulips. And in return, she got....
"WIENERed."
Apologies for any confusion resulting from the terminology in the preceding, such as would understandably be experienced by readers who came of age once-upon-a-time, when mailboxes were physical entities, generally made of metal (one per household, attached to the outside wall in the vicinity of the front door) into which were deposited literal envelopes, made of actual paper, as were their enclosures (analogous to today's messages) which content was recorded in inked impressions transferred to the paper's surface (accomplished either manually by means of a pen, or by a cumbersome mechanical keyboard).
Other items of note: in those days long-gone-by, a friend was a person one actually knew, and often even saw (that is, face-to-face, rather than on FaceBook) or at least spoke with regularly (that is, voice-to-voice by tethered-to-home telephone rather than via texting.)
A friend might send a photograph of himself (taken with a camera, not with a cell "phone"--ironically called, given it is used for everything but talking.) A friend could also send a package (that is, a tangible gift item wrapped in attractive paper.)
But a friend back then would never, ever, send a friend a photo of his package!
 Recognized |
Thanks to WILLIE for artwork: BALLS (I couldn't resist!)
I am sorry to say that this story is based on the experience of a friend...and another friend...and...
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. I am sorry to say that this story is based on the experience of a friend...and another friend...and...
Artwork by willie at FanArtReview.com
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