Humor Fiction posted August 10, 2017


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the urge to kill

Apartment Manager

by pome lover


                                                          

April 9
“Sunnyside Apartments, Janice Friesenhan speaking.  How may I help you?  Oh, Hello, Sir.  Yes, I know Mr. Furberger.  Yes, sir, I know he’s late with the rent and…right, always late, but he does always pay it, sometimes two months at a time.  Yes, sir, still late.  I understand.  But he’s a very nice person, if a bit accident prone. Well, actually a lot accident prone.  Yes, sir, I’ll see if I can light a fire under him.  A fine?  Oh.  How much?  Yes, sir, I’ll get right on it.  Thank you.”

What am I going to do with Mr. F?  The poor little guy has got to be either the world’s biggest klutz or the world’s unluckiest person.  You’d think, being that close to the ground, he’d be more centered, more balanced.  I feel sorry for him, but he’s got to stop using these accidents as excuses for being late with his rent.
 
April 11
Dear Mr. Furberger:
As my mother’s boss’s favorite uncle, you are very important to me, and I have been trying my best to keep you out of trouble.  You have, however, been consistently late in paying your rent  and I have been instructed to advise you that a fine of $25 will be added to the amount owed this month and any succeeding month that your rent is paid after the 10th.  It is due on the 1st, as you know. 
I was sorry to hear you fell off your Elliptical and sprained your wrist, but I’m afraid that doesn’t preclude punctual payment.  Have you considered automatic debit?  It would save you time and trouble and you wouldn’t have to remember each month.  If this is agreeable with you please call the office and I’ll be glad to set it up for you.  I am at your service. And my Mom will kill me if  you get evicted.
Awaiting your response,
Janice Friesenhan, manager
 
May 11
Dear Mr. Furberger:
As per our phone conversation last month, we discussed the fact that there is no breach of privacy in auto-debiting.  No. Nobody is spying on you, Mr. Furberger, except maybe the Russians.  ha ha, just kidding .  I am trying to make paying your rent easier and fine-free and, of course, on time.   Please let me know what you decide.  This matter really needs to be addressed and I am here to help.  And, yes, I’ll be glad to ask around to see if anyone is interested in buying your Elliptical.  You might also post it on our bulletin board here in my office.
Still awaiting your response,
Janice Friesenhan
 
June 5
“Sunnyside Apartments, Jan…oh, hello Mr. Furberger.  Are you ready to go auto debit?   The Elliptical?    Reducing the price already?  May I ask why?  You kicked it.  Barefooted.  Oh.  But guess what, Mr. F, that old devil, rent?  Past due.  Why don’t you come to my office and let’s take care of this problem once and for all?  Well, tomorrow, then.  Okay?  Good.  See you then."

I ought to buy the blasted Elliptical myself, at that price.  But I’d have to move half my furniture, so forget it. Anyway, I’m going to give up ice cream… I think. Or maybe cilantro.
 
June 7
“Mr. Furberger, this is Janice.  Sorry I missed you, but where were you yesterday?  Remember?  You were going to come by and take care of the rent?  This is important.  Please call me back.  Thanks.”
 
 July11
Dear Mr. Furberger:
I’m very sorry that your hand got shut in a car door, but I must bring up the rent again. I understand you prefer to pay by check, but you forget to do it—you are now two months in arrears and this cannot continue. Please take care of this matter as soon as possible.  Or I’m going to strangle you!
Thank you,
Janice Friesenhan, manager
 
July 12
“Sunnyside Apartments, Janice Friesenhan speaking.  Oh, hi, Mom.  Your boss said what?  Mo-om, I am not harassing his uncle.  I am trying to help him with his rent payments, but it’s a losing battle I’m afraid. Well, he seems to be a walking accident.  No kidding.  Every month it’s something different.  He shuts his own hand in the car door; he falls off his exercise machine.  Every day I expect to hear ambulance sirens coming this way.  Well, I know it’s terrible but still he needs to… of course, I’m nice to him!  Yes, it’s my job to collect his rent.  Mom, I know, just tell your boss I am not harassing Mr. Furberger, okay ?  Thanks. Yes, I will.  Bye, Mom.”  Harassing? Sheesh! 
 
15 minutes later
“Sunnyside…oh, hi, again, Mom.  That’s okay.  I’m not particularly thrilled to be thirty-nine today, anyway.  A massage?  Both of us?  And facial, too?  Fantastic.  And dinner afterwards!  It sounds wonderful. I’ll meet you there at 5:30.  You’re an angel.  See you then.  Bye.

Divine, divine, divine! Just what I need to get Mr. F. off my mind. Why can’t that man pay his damn rent on time?  He is driving me crazy.  If I didn’t feel so sorry for him having all those accidents, I’d kick him out, myself.

6:45  "Oh man, was that great!  I'm limp as a noodle.  Now for the facials--great, right next to each other.  Mom, this was a fabulous idea!  I guess you knew I was about to come unglued.  I swear, if Mr. F. wasn’t your boss’s uncle, I would…paddle his fat little bottom.  You laugh, but it’s not funny.  I have been so tempted to say, “Pay your rent or I’ll sic your neighbor’s Doberman on you!”  Except I don’t want to be fired.  The man is literally driving me to distraction.  But this!  This is heaven—exactly what I needed.  Thank you!  And getting to spend time with you, talking about things, wonderful.  Best birthday ever, I mean it.       Mom? … you asleep? ”
 
July 13
I am a new woman!  I am ready to take on the world. I can… “Good morning, Sunnyside…Mr Furberger. What?  No, you still have to pay the fine if you pay today.  You are three days past the tenth, twelve days past the first.  Late as usual, sir.  What if you addressed and stamped some envelopes and put them in each month of your day planner?  You don’t have one?  Well, it might be a good idea to get one, don’t you think?  Or put it on your cell phone.  Stick a note on your bathroom mirror.  Stick it on your… Sorry, I got carried away. Yes, I will be here until five.  Yes, you can drop it by before then.  Very good.  Good bye.” 

I read somewhere that in everyone’s life, there is someone who really tries their patience.  It’s a test to see what they’re made of.  I think I have been tested to the point of apoplexy. Or possibly murder.
 
August 11
Dear Mr. Furberger:
Sir, you are late again with the rent and my boss is on my case for letting this situation go on so long.  I am pleading with you, not harassing you, and would very much appreciate your prompt remittance.  Bring it today and you won’t be fined.
I’m sorry about your accident with the lamp cord.  We will replace the lamp but the cost of the replacement will be added to your next month’s rent. 
Thank you,
Janice Friesenhan, Manager
 
September 11
Dear Mr. Furberger:
Your next door neighbor informed me of the incident with his Doberman.  I am very sorry and hope your leg heals soon, but sir, your rent is still due.  I have been doing my best to keep you from being evicted, but at this rate, it is definitely a possibility that you will be.  Please cooperate with me.
Thank you,
Janice Friesenhan, Manager
 
“Hello, Mom?   You will not believe what happened.  Remember I told you I’d love to sic Mr. F’s neighbor’s Doberman on him?   Well, I don’t know the details –why it happened, but the Doberman did attack Mr. F.  Bit him in the leg.  Yes!  Back of his thigh.  I know, terrible, but he still hasn’t paid his rent.  I’m tempted to go sit on him until he does.  Sit on his leg?  Hahaha Mom, you’re terrible.  But not a bad idea.  I thought you’d get a kick outa that.   Oh, well, back to the coal pit.  Love you. 
 
During lunch break -
“Hello, Suzy, this is Janice Friesenhan.  Fine, thanks.  I’ve got to make this quick, but do you have time any Wednesday after 4:00 to put some color on my hair?  These past few months I’ve been sprouting grey hairs like you wouldn’t believe.  I hardly have any brown left! Yes, the “Accidental Renter” is definitely the culprit.  I ought to be charging him!   But I think my problem is about to be solved.  Yep, I hate to be a Scrooge, but he is on the way out!  You can take me this Wednesday?  Terrific.  See you then. Thanks.” 

October 10
“Hello, Mom?  It’s your daughter, Ebenezette Scrooge calling.  I want you to know I tried my best with Mr. Furberger, to no avail.  He is being evicted. Yes, the rent.  And honestly, Mom, it’s a huge relief.  He has never paid it on time, despite my urging and cajoling, and the Sunnyside board agreed to oust him.  Just letting you know and I hope your boss doesn’t take out his displeasure on you.  I understand.  My boss isn’t happy with me, either, but I tried every way I knew how without groveling on all fours.  Right.  Okay, just wanted to give you a heads-up, so be prepared.  Love you, too.”
 
October 11
Dear Mr. Furberger:
As manager of Sunnyside Apartments, I am writing to inform you that your continued tardiness in rent payment will no longer be tolerated.  I’m sorry that you fell down the steps, but I must tell you that your lease is up at the end of the month and you must vacate your apartment by the thirty-first.
With regards.
Janice Friesenhan, Manager
PS - Perhaps you should try to find a place on the first floor, somewhere.  At least you wouldn’t have stairs.  Or maybe it’s time for Assisted Living.  At any rate, I wish you well.
 
November 1
“Mr. Furberger? This is Janice.  Seems I’ve missed you again though it appears you are still with us.  We have a key, you know, and as it is our property, we have the right to enter, remove your belongings and lock you out. You have been warned several times.  Your apartment needs to be cleaned before the new tenants arrive and you must vacate immediately.  Please, sir, don’t make us have to call the police… Well, goodbye.”
 
November 2
Knock knock knock, “It’s Janice Friesenhan, Mr. Furberger.  I’m coming in.  I’m afraid you are now trespass … Holy…!  Mr. Furberger!  What happened?  door unlocked...  beat you with a tire iron… loan shark?  Oh, my Lord!  Don’t try to move.  I’m calling an ambulance.  Hang in there, Mr. F.  Don’t die on me.  Yes, of course you can stay.  I’ll take care of it.”
 
November 4 – at the hospital
Knock, knock.  “It’s me, Mr. F.  Oh, my goodness, look at you.  There’s not a part of you that’s not in a cast.  Right.  Except your mouth.  The doctor told me to give you a couple of days before I came to visit.   So… guess you’ve been sleeping?  Pretty doped up, huh?  You don’t feel anything?  Well, you’ll be happy to know my boss instructed me to hold a first floor one bedroom for you if you set up auto pay.  Good.  No way you could write a check, now, anyway, huh?  ha ha ha.   Sorry.  A little dark humor.”
 
 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

 
                                                        

 



Character contest entry

Recognized


My interpretation of the picture is that it could be female or male.
My character is about Janice.

Pays one point and 2 member cents.

Artwork by Contests at FanArtReview.com

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