Humor Fiction posted January 23, 2017

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Human vs Canine

Understanding Humans

by doggymad

Having read the prompt for this contest, we the five Irish canines, decided to have a meeting. We felt that between us we could figure out what goes on in the minds of humans, our own two in particular. Between us we have about fifty years of experience in dealing with them and their rather peculiar habits.

Armed with a few tasty snacks pilfered from the kitchen, we adjourned to the couch and began our deliberations. We were confident that this session of brainstorming should take approximately 15 minutes; after all we were experts on the human condition. Experts we might have been, but when it came to the crunch, we couldn't decide where to start. In desperation we scribbled our ideas on slips of paper (about 100 of them), and agreed that the first four out of the box would be discussed.

1. Why do humans keep changing their fur?
As canines, we are quite comfortable in our own fur, but our humans keep changing theirs. After almost six months of intense observation, we finally figured out the reason behind this strange behaviour. Unlike us, who constantly lick ourselves clean, humans have an aversion to this method of grooming. In other words, they are too posh, too lazy or both to wash themselves. The only solution that they can find is to change their fur over and over again.

2. Why do humans use cutlery?
The obvious answer to this question would be that they have hands, whilst we poor creatures have awkward paws. But it is not as simple as that. Apparently back in 1,000 BC some wise guy decided to invent it and the humans, not wanting to appear ignorant embraced the idea wholeheartedly. No longer were they content with using their version of paws to convey food to their insatiable mouths. Interestingly enough, these so-called clever folk did not realise that gulping your food through your mouth is much faster and a whole lot more satisfying than this new approach.

3. Why do humans travel in cars?
According to our ancestors, there was a time when all creatures walked or ran everywhere. They were all fit and healthy and there was none of this cholesterol or high blood pressure nonsense. Then along came the wheel. We accept that it was a very useful invention and served a real purpose. But once again the humans took it a step too far. First came the bicycle, followed by the motor cycle and eventually the motor car. Our knowledge of history is a little sketchy, so it might not have been in that order, but we are sure that you get our drift. Nowadays, a human without a car is a very rare species indeed. The word 'walk' designed to bring joy to a dog is almost classified as a four letter word in human terms. In other words, they have become a slothful species.

4. Why do humans watch television?
Life is one long amazing adventure for a dog. There are lots of new scents to follow up every day and lots of things to explore. It is never boring. For humans however, it seems to be very different. The only hunting they do is in the freezer of the local supermarket, and a new scent is to be found in the local perfume shop. They lack the ability to find something exciting in their lives so they have to resort to alternative sources for their entertainment. Hence, the need to find diversion by following the flickering images on the screen. So many of them live for the next episode of their favourite series instead of getting out there and living.

We could go on ad nauseum about the foibles of the human, but this typing lark can become tedious after a while. Anyway, it is time for us to take a short nap in the nice cosy double bed upstairs.

Animal Thoughts on Humans contest entry

Dogs say one thing and do another
Pays one point and 2 member cents.

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