To Virgins and Former Virgins

by Ogden

The author has placed a warning on this post for sexual content.

Women of virtue, and women not of,
Men will hurt you in the name of love.
Love could avert you if you're under a man's sway
(Or under one at all, in any old way).
The rule of thumb is don't be dumb,
Just know what the devil you're doing,
If you've become just one of some,
Best be aware that what you've done, you'll be ruing.

A beginner should know in advance to stay in her pants.
Some men were made to ruin you.
On the pretense of wooin' you, before you know it, they're doin' you!

(If you've been through all this, you knew all this, and are hip to the tricks of the trade.
But pay attention, there's much more I'll mention
On how the best laid plans of men [not mice] are made).

Let's say you're a little lonely, and want to go with one man only.

Here's a tip to check out, to allay any doubt, any signs of latent disloyalty:
Evidence finds, usually it's useful to read their manipulative minds.
For instance, this would be a clue that he might be untrue (if only you knew!!):
Whilst a new one he's wooing, and not yet even screwing, in fact, before he's even kissed her,
He's made a mental note to find time to devote to be sure to do her sister.

You need that kind of datum, if you have a man, and might want to mate him.
In a case like this, if, already inside his mind, the lady would be remiss
if she failed to find that he's inclined to be the unfaithful kind. (That's a subtle joke; if you missed it, you're in the wrong poem.)

(Now, if you want to be seduced by this guy,
You ought to be introdued to this guy,
But women today, no longer say, "yessir!"
Many prefer to be the aggressor.)

If some of those revelations you're not inclined to believe,
I implore you to heed more schemes he'll wield to confirm you're naive.
He'll dazzle you with pretenses, like his invention of exotic insenses,
Or when, on a trip to Venice, he devised a way to play underwater tennis,
And how he hopes you'll be pleased
To discover under covers first hand why he was besieged
By all the Playboy Bunnies in Greece.
If you show you're impressed, you'll soon be undressed in a way you could never expect.
He'll play hard to get until you feel wet, and tell you you'll get your turn next.
There's someone waiting in the other room, but don't worry he'll be back soon.
Before you can feel indignant and figure out what this pig meant, he will explain
His charms are much in demand, so just understand that everyone wants to be a superstar, and that's exactly what you are, and more so!
Just take off your clothes and when he gets back he"ll do you, too,
and check out your torso.
Then, suddenly, sensing no shame, you'll think you're on the road to fame, and soon everyone in the civilized world will know your humble name.

BUT...If that's not the kind of girl you are
And you don't give a darn about becoming a star,
And have reservations about being man-ipulated,
You now know to steer clear of behaviors ill-fated.

You've learned it can take but an impromptu interlude with a too shrewd dude for you to become a truly screwed ingenue.
Or an outflanked skank.

But do not despair!
There are real men that care
Believe me, they’re there.
Albeit few and far between,
Not venal or mean,
Extremely hard to find,
Caring and kind,
Without any vices.
In short, they’re perfection, and they'll overwhelm you with affection.
(I should have said ”In long…” considering the length of that line. The error is mine.)

So how can you find a guy of that kind?

Because such a guy is in short supply,
I can name but one;
I know him personally!
(In case you've guessed, I have to confess,)
At the risk of immodesty, honestly,
Yes, it's humble, impeccable, me!

Anticlimactic, you're thinking, somewhat disappointed, and perhaps you're not alone.
Well, because there's not enough of me for the needy, I'm considering a clone.

(Though modesty may be a virtue, my dearth of it shouldn't have hurt you.)

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To Virgins and Former Virgins

by Ogden

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