Humor Fiction posted September 13, 2016


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Tom buys everyone at FanStory a Christmas present.

FanStory Christmas

by Thomas Bowling


I've been shopping and I'm getting all my friends at FanStory Christmas gifts.

For giraffmang, I'm giving a bucket full of commas so he can keep reviewing my stories. For Dean Kuch, a book of Grimm's fairytales so he can read about scary stuff, like wolves eating pigs, instead of the comedy he loves so much. (Come to think of it, a ham sandwitch for lunch sounds good.)

For dammomy, some reading glasses so she can continue proofreading for me. For Sandra du Plessis, a clock that tracks various time zones, so she will stop phoning me in the middle of the night. For Bill Schott, a book about developing a sense of humor, since he obivously lacks one. For djsaxon, a collection of my limericks, so he can see what real poetry looks like.

For Tom, from administration, a million FanStory Dollars, so he can quit sneeking around stealing mine. For Ric Myworld, a pair of Ray-Bans, so he can hide the fact that he cries like a little girl everytime he reads a poem about puppies. For the person who sent me the book on punctuation, nothing. I've got people for that.

For the poets, a Thesaurus, so they can find words that rhyme to sprinkle liberally in their musings, which have none. For the prose writers, I'm writing a lot of dialog, since this is missing so often from their work. "Do you know what I mean?" Tom asked. Also, for the prose writers, a truck load of line spacing. One truck should be sufficient. Line spacing is very light.

For the reviewer who read my John Banner story and was disappointed because she was expecting a romance and found a mystery written in language she didn't understand, I've selected three gift's - a Mickey Spillane novel and a Harlequin Romance, so she'll know the difference, and a book on Mandarin Chinese, so she won't be confused in the future.

For The Contest Commitee, I'm giving a book of rules, so they will understand that three wise men finding a baby in a manger and eating it is not a Chrismas song. Only Dean Kuch would write a Christmas song like that and set it to music, with a nice illustration to match.

For Unspoken94, the complete works of Freud, so he can figure you people out. For pharp, (I thought this was the sound you make when passing gas,) I'm giving a fifty gallon drum of sun screen to protect her from her sunny disposition and a basket of persimmons, so she will quit smiling so much. For humpwhistle, a flute so he can stop humping his whistle.

And that brings us to dear, sweet Phyllis. She is the only one who reciprocated. She went to Vistaprint and got me a box of Get Out of Detention Free cards. I, in turn, got her a crate of were/we're and wheres so she can continue to correct my grammar - and a helmet.

If I've forgotten anyone, it's because you were naughty and didn't make the list. Give me lots of sixes and maybe next year.

Everyone have a merry Christmas and remember to send your gifts to me postage paid.


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© Copyright 2018. Thomas Bowling All rights reserved.
Thomas Bowling has granted FanStory.com, its affiliates and its syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.