Humor Script posted January 5, 2016


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It takes two to tango

Scenes from a Marriage: Vol. 10

by Mark Valentine



Saturday night at the Valentine house. The children, Casey, Mary Meg, and Dave, are in the living room. Mark is in the kitchen cooking spaghetti and listening to Dean Martin. After some cajoling, he convinces Maggie to tango with him.

MARK: OK, now - back straight, head erect. Throw your hair back a bit…that’s it, show me some sexy. Sell it, baby. Yeah, that’s the ticket! Now - look deep into my eyes.

MAGGIE: Why are you squinting at me?

MARK: I’m not squinting – it’s a smolder.

MAGGIE: A smolder?

MARK: Yeah, a smolder. You know, like Ricardo Montalban or Patrick Swayze.

MAGGIE: They’re dead

MARK: Really? You’ve got to tell me these things. Anyway, that’s beside the point. Are you telling me that my smolder does nothing for you?

MAGGIE: It’s just that it’s hard to see behind your glasses.

MARK: I thought you liked my glasses. You said they make me look sexy.

MAGGIE: I said they make you look like Clark Kent.

MARK: Same thing. You sure you don’t see the smolder? Maybe you’re not looking hard enough.

MAGGIE: (pretends to concentrate) Oh, yeah, there it is. My God, it’s all I can do not to swoon.

MARK: That almost sounded sarcastic. OK, now check out what I’m doing down here. See the gyrations? The hips don’t lie baby. Is that doing anything for you?

MAGGIE: How is it that you don’t have women just throwing themselves at you all the time?

MARK: I know – boggles the mind, right? OK, we’re coming up to the part where I dip you.

MAGGIE: No way. I’m not letting you dip me.

MARK: Why not? That’s the best part.

MAGGIE: You’ll drop me.

MARK: I won’t drop you.

MAGGIE: You dropped me last time.

MARK: Yeah, but I’ve been working out. Check out these guns baby.

MAGGIE: No way. Why don’t you practice with a mop or something first?

MARK: You don’t trust me?

MAGGIE: Correctamundo.

MARK: That hurts my feelings. I like the Fonzie reference, but I’m hurt.

Mark stops dancing, hangs his head, and goes back to stirring the spaghetti sauce.

MAGGIE: OK, come back. I’ll let you dip me just this once.

MARK: Works every time.

MAGGIE: Promise you won’t drop me?

MARK: On my honor. OK, when it gets to the part where Dean sings “When we sway I go weak”, you lean back. I’ll have my hand behind your back and won’t let you fall.

MAGGIE: I’m not sure about this.

MARK: It’ll be fine. Trust me. Oh, and be sure to look for the smolder. Do you want me to take my glasses off so you can see it better?

MAGGIE: No, that might be too overwhelming.

MARK: Good call. Better safe than sorry. OK here we go.

Dean sings “When we sway I go weak”. Mark drops Maggie whose head hits the floor with a thud.

MAGGIE: SHIT! THAT HURT!

MARK: Oops, sorry.

The kids rush in to see what’s the matter.

CASEY: What happened?

MARK: Your mother fell.

MAGGIE: Your idiot father dropped me!

MARK: Tomato, tomahto – the point is she’s fine.

MAGGIE: I am not fine. Someone help me up.

MARK: It’s only linoleum. Don’t be such a baby.

DAVE: Why did you drop her?

MARK: We were tangoing and I was going to dip her but she went down too early. So, it was really her fault.

MAGGIE: HELLO? I’m still on the floor.

MARY MEG: How was it her fault?

MARK: You know the song “Sway” by Dean Martin?

MARY MEG: You mean Michael Buble?

MARK: Whatever. Anyway, I was going to dip her after the line “When we sway I go weak”. She went down after the word “weak” but she was supposed to wait until the end of the measure. Listen (Mark sings) When we sway I go weeeeak.. 2,3,4 - dip.

MARY MEG: Oh yeah, dad’s right.

MAGGIE: SOMEONE HELP ME UP RIGHT NOW!

MARK: You guys better help her up. I might drop her.

Dave and Mary Meg help Maggie up.

MARK: OK let’s try that again.

MAGGIE: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?

MARK: What? Now that you know when to go down, it’ll be easy.

MAGGIE: Not a chance. You need to learn how to dance.

MARK: Maybe you need to learn how to go dow…  Heard it.  Never mind.

Kids snicker

CASEY: Do you think we need to get her to a doctor?

MARK: No, she’s a trooper. Besides, I know how to make her feel better. (to Maggie) Look into my eyes.

CASEY: Why are you squinting at mom?

MARK: (to kids) Hey, I hear Mark Zuckerberg is giving away money on Facebook. Why don’t you guys go look into that while mom and I finish our tango? (to Maggie) You OK?

MAGGIE: I am through talking to you.

MARK: You’re right – we should let our bodies do the talking.

MAGGIE: What is my body saying now? (Maggie extends her middle finger in Mark’s direction and walks out)

MARK: Come back – I’ll take the glasses off!

Silence.

MARK: Does anyone know where the mop is?
 


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