Humor Script posted November 16, 2015


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The cat escapes the bag.

Scenes From A Marriage: Vol. 7

by Mark Valentine

The author has placed a warning on this post for sexual content.

(Valentine household. Mark and Maggie are watching the presidential debates.)


MARK: Can you believe that one of these clowns could actually be president?

MAGGIE: They are a sorry lot.

MARK: If they were a band, they’d be “Sucky Suckerson and the Suck-tones” I wonder if it’s too late for me to run.

MAGGIE: Not this again.

MARK: What? I’ve got some great ideas.

MAGGIE: Like your forced relocation plan?

MARK: When you put it like that it sounds fascist.

MAGGIE: How would you put it?

MARK: I don’t know. Maybe “Pioneer Renaissance” – it’s all about the marketing.

MAGGIE: Pioneer Renaissance?

MARK: All I’m saying is that there are way too many people in Chicago and nobody lives in Montana. My plan is a win-win.

MAGGIE: Tell me again, how you would decide who goes to Montana?

MARK: The elderly would go – the fresh air would be good for them.

MAGGIE: When you say these things, do you hear yourself? Can you see how someone might have a problem with this?

MARK: Look, the elderly, as a group are the demographic least likely to use turn signals and most likely to hold up the line at the supermarket while they’re looking for coupons. In Montana, there are no supermarket lines and nobody cares how slowly you drive. They’re happy, we’re happy. Who loses?

MAGGIE: Why don’t they care how you drive?

MARK: Because it’s Montana – where do they have to go?

MAGGIE: You know, you’re gonna be elderly pretty soon yourself.

MARK: At which point I’ll gladly move to Boise.

MAGGIE: Boise is In Idaho.

MARK: Same thing. Can I count on your vote?

MAGGIE: I love you, but I’m not sure you have the qualifications to run the country.

MARK: You wouldn’t say that if I were white.

MAGGIE: You ARE white.

(Mark gets up from his seat to go to the bathroom and look in the mirror.)

MARK: When did this happen?

MAGGIE: Honey, you’ve always been white.

MARK: Why didn’t anybody tell me?

MAGGIE: We thought you knew. Look at it this way, now you’ll fit in better in Wyoming.

MARK: That’s fo’ shizzle.

MAGGIE: Now that you know you’re not black, you probably need to stop saying that.

(Mark looking dejected goes to sit at the computer)

MAGGIE: Don’t be hurt, being white can be cool too.

MARK: You’re just saying that to make me feel better. (Mark begins typing)

MAGGIE: Are you on that writing website of yours again?

MARK: Yes.

MAGGIE: Do you ever write things about me?

MARK: No. Why, what have they told you?

MAGGIE: Nothing, but I seem to have struck a nerve – let me see the website?

MARK: No. Why do you want to see it?

MAGGIE: Maybe I want to write something. How does it work?

MARK: You can just write anything you want. Or sometimes they have contests or prompts to get you started.

MAGGIE: I want to enter a contest. Let me see.

MARK: You can’t. You have to be a member. Tell you what. I’ll read a prompt to you and you can dictate your story to me.

MAGGIE: OK.

MARK: (Pretending to read off the website) “You’re driving along a country road and decide to pick up a hitchhiker who turns out to be Charlize Theron. Though you’ve never had a lesbian encounter before, you find yourself somehow strangely attracted to her. Describe IN VIVID DETAIL, LEAVING NOTHING OUT, what happens next”.

MAGGIE: I don’t think that’s what it says.

MARK: Sure it is – go ahead.

MAGGIE: I don’t know, I guess we kiss.

MARK: That’s what I’m talking about! Keep going!

MAGGIE: I don’t know. I can’t do this.

MARK: Sure you can. I’ll get you started. “The rain was coming down in torrents now. Having locked the keys in the car, Charlize and I took refuge in an abandoned barn. Her wet blouse clung to her supple skin. Her erect nipples showing through the thin cotton….”

MAGGIE: Why isn’t she wearing a bra?

MARK: What part of "fantasy" don't you get? Anyway, she’s wet. You open a bottle of wine and take your clothes off to dry by the fire. As you share the wine, you huddle for warmth under a blanket. As she wraps the blanket around you, her fingers lightly graze your inner thigh. OK, you take it from there.

MAGGIE: What is it with you guys and lesbians? What other prompts do they have?

MARK: Here’s a standard one called “Stuck in an Elevator”.

MAGGIE: I’ll try that one.

MARK: OK. “You’re stuck in an elevator with Jennifer Lopez. Though you’ve never had a lesbian encounter before…”

MAGGIE: You’re an idiot. Let me see that. Grabs the computer. “Scenes from a Marriage” What’s this?

MARK: Nothing. Just some short works of fiction.

MAGGIE: I see the main characters names are Mark and Maggie.

(Maggie reads as Mark slowly walks to the phone and dials)

MAGGIE: YOU PUT THIS STUFF ON THE INTERNET FOR OTHERS TO READ?!!!

MARK: Hello, Southwest, I’d like to purchase a one-way ticket …. Yes… first available flight…to Boise, Montana…Whatever, same thing.

 


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