Family Non-Fiction posted February 27, 2015


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A Short Story By Kelly Cahill

The Token Alpha Male

by michaelcahill


Translated from the original Cocker Spaniel
 
"Hey, Casey, watch this."
 
Kelly the Cocker Spaniel spies her owner sitting in front of his computer seemingly in a trance typing away. As Casey the marmalade cat observes, Kelly saunters over with her tail between her legs and moans pitifully.
 
"Kelly, dammit, why didn't you go hours ago? I knew this would happen. Okay, let me finish this sentence."
 
Kelly winks at Casey who rolls his eyes. Mike leaves his computer and opens the bedroom door to take Kelly outside. It's one in the morning. Once they are out of sight, Casey jumps up to the keyboard.
 
"Hmm. Control, Alt, delete… that's it. End program, Microsoft word." 'Click' Ha! What a mystery. What fun!
 
"I don't believe it. You think you're getting a treat now?"
 
Kelly wags her entire behind and jumps around excitedly.
 
Casey whispers, "It'll never work. He's too mad. Look at the time."
 
Kelly continued to wag and jump around.
 
Mike looked at her. "God you're so dumb. It's one in the morning. What do you think, we just went for the morning walk? Okay, here."
 
Kelly took the Puperoni and consumed it greedily, all the while giving an all-knowing look to Casey.
 
If Casey had hands, he'd applaud.
 
"What the hell! Where's my story? Damn computer. I should just write this stuff down by hand and then type it in. Crap! I don't even remember what I wrote. I'll have to start all over again. What are you two staring at? Never mind, you don't have a clue." He fiddled with the computer for a while, gave up and went to bed. His wife, Donna, was already asleep.
 
"Casey, they're asleep finally. Wake up Carrie." Carrie is the female cat Donna rescued.
 
Carrie staggered out of the closet. "Are they asleep? Geez, he's worse than that damn bird. He's up all the time. Keep it low key or Seemore will wake up."
 
Seemore is the family macaw. The other pets are afraid of him and his huge beak. They consider him to be a sociopath.
 
Casey whispered as he looked at Carrie. "Tell us the story of how you got Donna to rescue you."
 
Carrie pretended to be put out. "Again? Oh … you don't want to hear that again."
 
Kelly began wagging her entire backend. "Sure we do. That's a great story."
 
"Okay. Okay. It was raining that day. Of course, I wasn't about to get wet. I loved the view on the front porch of the house across the street from this one. It had a great overhang that didn't leak and they had their heater on inside constantly so it was good and warm near the house. I'd seen Donna walking you, Kelly, and that damn bird almost every day. I have to say she looked like an easy mark. I could tell he just went along with things to appease her. She was the play. Don't think I didn't notice you, Casey, up in that window all smug and superior."
 
"Hey, one may as well enjoy ones good fortune I always say."
 
"Well, enjoying and flaunting are two different things, but I can't say that flaunting is not an admirable endeavor. Anyway, I aimed to have a spot in the window right by you. Now, Mike, we know there's no reaching him. He'd step over my starving, shivering self and point to the neighbor's door. Donna's the key. All the neighborhood animals know that. Heck, look at the one-legged crow on the front lawn with a stainless steel roasting pan full of water if there's any doubt…."
 
"Yeah, he was in the house here for two days before you arrived, Carrie. She cuts up bananas for him. His parents are the laughing stock of all the crows in the desert. They kicked him out of the nest and he ends up with his own private pool and all the bananas he can eat. Anyway, go ahead."
 
Cassie continued, "Like I was saying, Donna was the key. I knew if I could get her on board all the protests Mike could come up with wouldn't mean a thing. Finally, some rain came to town. I saw them in the front yard and made my play. As much as I hate water, I laid in a puddle and got soaked. I walked towards her crying in the most pathetic voice you can imagine. Right away, she's calling in help from the house. Of course, she's telling them not to tell Mike. She's got this guy flanking me from behind. I play along like I'm scared and going to run. That makes her more determined. I can see her heart turning to putty right before my eyes. I start to make a run for it, but I couldn't go any slower. She catches me or so she thinks. I go into my best series of meows and she is sold, hook, line and sinker."
 
Kelly starts jumping around. "Tell about when Mike came out."
 
"I know. I'm getting there. So, out comes Mike and sees my pathetic soaked self in her arms. Well, you'd think I had some horrible disease the way he looked at me. He says, no way that thing is coming in the house. Put him across the street where he belongs. I'm on the verge of laughing. Donna's eyes are glazed over with kitty love and even he can see there's no way he can stop her. She doesn't even look at him. She marches by him, into the house and straight up here to the penthouse. The rest is history. I make it a point to jump right on his crotch when we are playing. That thing … ha!"
 
Casey felt a little rumble in his tummy. "Hey, Kelly, what time is it?"
 
"It's only four in the morning. We shouldn't wake them this early."
 
The three of them burst into laughter as Casey jumped on the bed and started batting Donna in the head with his paws. They all shook their head in pity as Donna arose from the bed like some kind of zombie to feed them. Mike mumbled something about the stupid dog while Kelly enjoyed another Puperoni.
 
Kelly whispered to Carrie, "Yep, I sure am stupid. Yet, he's the one following me down the street with a plastic bag picking up my poop. I think I'll go on the redwood chips in the neighbor's rose garden today. He's so cute when he's angry."


 


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