Okay, I don’t need this group. I’m fine, but I’ll participate today. I’ll go first this time. I’ll tell the group exactly what happened that day and what’s still happening, but don’t interrupt me. Just be quiet and listen. I don’t like it loud.

First you have to understand something. It was luck that I found the bus pass on the ground. My first thought was to try and cash it in, but then I saw the 0911 bus coming, so I got on. I remember thinking; how finding the pass was God’s way of telling me that he was looking out for me.

The bus was full of loud ass people, and that was pissing me off, but I kept my mind off it by looking out the window. Almost everywhere I looked there were help wanted signs. Man, I knew I would get a job that day. I could feel it. The pass, the bus coming right when it did, the signs; I knew my life was going to change.

Okay, I’m just going to put it out there. I had no intention of robbing anyone. I know everyone says that but in my case it’s true. God gave me that bus pass. That was the only reason I was there. I’m not a criminal. I didn’t have a choice in what they say I did. It was fate.

I saw her as soon as I got off the bus. She was short and kind of thin. She had on a brown fur coat that must have weighed more than her.  She already had her keys in her hand. She was real old, maybe forty-five or fifty. A rich old bitch that thinks her shit don’t stink.  You know the type. She was someone who’s got more cash than they need; greedy rich person. She had it all, while I had nothing in my pockets but a lost bus pass. That’s all I had to help me find a job. You see, for three months I couldn’t find anything around my block. I swear to you all; I only used that bus pass to go downtown for a job.

When I saw her pushing the button on her remote I heard that same old voice in my head that always gotten me into shit. It whispered to me, “You know both her doors will unlock and then she’ll put her purse on the other seat just like Big Momma does. Just open the door and snatch it. You’ll be gone before she looks up. She won’t even be able to describe you.” That was my quickly made plan. You’ve got to believe me. All I wanted. All I needed was a few replaceable dollars. I’m really not a criminal.

I guess since I’m here, you know things didn’t go as planned. I told you straight out, I don’t like loud noises. That’s the only reason why I couldn’t keep a job. Loud noises give me a head ache. That’s the truth. My therapist knows all about it. She says I may have something called, hyperacusis. I made her write that word down, so I could pronounce it right. You see, when it happened there was so much noise. After I opened the door we both grabbed a strap of the purse at the same time. She was strangely fast for an old woman. I tried to pull the bag away from her but she must have pulled harder than me, because I ended up inside the car with her. That’s when our eyes met and she freaked, like the sight of a poor man was some kind of horror to her. She started screaming her ass off, like someone was trying to kill her.

I told her, “Bitch, let go of the purse.” She just screamed more, like I was hurting her. I begged her. “Let go, let go. Just give it up!”

She just held on and kept hollering. I tried to break the strap. I yanked at it hard as a mofo. I heard a pop. I thought the strap broke, but it didn’t. I don’t know what that pop was but that purse was tough as hell. I don’t know what it was made of but it wouldn’t snap. I didn’t know why she was screaming like a crazy woman, but she was so loud. God, it was way too loud in that car. My ears felt like they were bleeding. My head was pounding. I felt this drum beating in my temples going: boom, boom, boom. I just wanted it to stop. You must understand.  All that noise was killing me. I didn’t mean to do it. I don’t even remember deciding to do it. All I wanted was for the noise to stop and to get away with my money.

She made me do it. It was all her fault. Money, what’s so important about a little cash. It’s true what they say; money is the root of all evil. That evil, old bitch didn’t need the money; not with a car like she had. She was rich, anyone could see that. People don’t get rich like that unless they steal from poor people. We’re the ones who need good shoes and a little pocket change to feel normal. I needed that and she wouldn’t just let me have it. So, I slapped her. Not hard. You know, just a slap like you give your bitch when she ain’t acting right. But, that only made her scream louder. That voice in my head was screaming too, “Someone is going to hear us. Someone is going to come.”  

It felt like we were at it for hours. I knew I was running out of time. You can see that, can’t you? I had to make her give up. I had to make her stop the noise. The car was too small. It couldn’t hold it all. Her screams were filling it like rain in a bucket. I swear it was getting louder and louder by the minute. It was overflowing. The noise, the screams, she was all around me; in my ears, in my head, in my lungs. I tell you, I was breathing her in. She was drowning me. She was trying to kill me. All for money she could have just given me. I was dying right there on the seat. I had to save myself. Didn’t I? I didn’t want to die for a purse. Would you?

So, I hit her a little harder, and then, I don’t know man. I just kept on hitting her. I don’t know how many times I punched her. I just went in on her, like she was a dude in the street. That may have been wrong but I was trying to close her mouth. I only wanted to stop the noise. Stop the pain in my head. If she would’ve just shut the hell up, it wouldn’t have happened like it did. Damn her.

I never saw the crowd surrounding the car. I couldn’t see them through all the blood on the windows. I couldn’t hear them through all the screams and the pounding. Later, at my trial, the police claimed all the screams I heard were from the people looking into the car. They claimed the witnesses were screaming for me to stop, calling for help and crying over what they saw. They testified the old woman was knocked out after the first punch and her arm was twisted and broken. They said her bracelet was stuck on the buckle of the strap; that she wasn’t holding on.

But, I don’t believe them. I was there. I know what happened. I know it was her fault. I know it because at night when it gets real quiet on PC, just as I begin to fall asleep she starts screaming again. It’s her you see. She’s not dead. She’s still here. It was her who left that bus pass for me to find. Who else could just throw away money?  She is using her money now to bribe the CO’s. They let her scream through the vents into my room so I can’t sleep. She thinks keeping me awake will make me crazy, but she’s wrong. I’m fine. I’m okay. I took some cotton balls from the infirmary today and soon I’ll have enough not only to stuff my ears but to fill the vents. I’ll keep her out. Then the screams will stop. Then it’ll be quiet. Then I can sleep. Not that I need to. I’m perfectly fine. I really don’t need this group. My life is good. It’s just her. It’s just her and all her noise.

If you’re quiet you can hear her starting now. Listen. Don’t talk. Be quiet. Can you hear her? Can you hear her screaming?