A Sad Solution


Verse One

The Question


I stared at the silhouette lying silently on the shadowed sofa. Only a small slit in the shade allowed the sunlight to enter the room, its eerie glow turning grotesque the face of the once smiling departed. I knelt and examined the face. It was bloated and unrecognizable. Lines of exhaustion and defeat were permanently wrinkled into its brow. A grayish cloud of death prevailed over a stare of emptiness that reminded me of the dead Pike I had removed from the live well on my last fishing trip, its dead eyes staring blank and dumb into a future of no more.

The lips of the departed were silenced now, forever misshaped into a sneer that would forever remain void of sound and laughter. I wondered what it was that caused the demise of this person. I felt sad knowing that his wife and children would never see him smile again nor would they be able to kiss or hold his warmth needing body.

I looked around the room and examined the content for cause of death. It was in the bathroom with the rusty sink and discolored and chipped bathtub that I found the answer.
Empty bottles of sleeping pills were everywhere, the caps thrown hither and there as if the poor soul were on a mission of mercy and time was immediate. He must have ingested over three hundred pills.

I wondered if he had had second thoughts, as if at the last moment before unconsciousness, he panicked knowing he would spend the rest of eternity in the blackness of Hell.

Was there ever passion in this person? Did his past satisfy his need for existence? Where were the tomorrows in his mind? Did he have an identity? Was he proud of his being? The lost soul's identity had to be discovered. The police and family members had to be notified.

I opened the shades. Light filled the room and I walked back to the sofa. The body, vacant of mind and emotion lie still. I noticed its physical characteristics. It was short, stocky, and balding. Its nose protruded somewhat too long for its face and its chin sagged skin to its neck. Its hands were small and locked in prayer. It must have asked God for forgiveness.

The light shows brighter on the face of the victim. I am disarmed. I shriek with horror and confusion. I look at the left wrist and see the identifiable Rolex watch. I search the left hand and see the platinum wedding band.

Terror arouses me. I look closer.

That face, that distorted face comes into focus. I fall backwards Screaming images of putrefying identification engulf my mind and I sob beyond control.

Mother of God! It is me.


Verse Two


Finality

Why am I It was a time ago
Somewhere between my birth
And my death
The feeling of lifelessness
I remember it well

It was a sad time

Breathing thoughts
Of blackness
Where woeful sorrows
Change perception
And memories fade
To hopelessness

Oh how the horrors
Of mystic darkness
Burns deep in my soul
Ghosts of terror
Floating towards me
Floating inward
Floating

Deeper and deeper
Black thoughts
Of impossible dreams
Beyond nightmares
Unimaginable

Those thoughts
Impossible to exist

No I yell
No!
I scream
No! No! No!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING
And then I acquiesce
And I welcome my death


God of my father
God of my soul
I beseech Your help
Please
Take my hand
Forgive my sins

Life is wrath
And wrath is life
I can exist
No more

Please forgive
I see nothing
And want nothing

Sadness so black
Pain and suffering so deep
My heart wants to cry

God forgive me for what I do
I must take the pills

I swallow

God forgive me for what I have done
And I swallow more


I walk to the bed
I lie down
Folded arms wrapped
In prayer
I say goodbye

My family
Better I be gone
Than face them alive

Death be sorrow
Death be quick


It is dark
And I feel
Nothing


I sleep

Unconsciousness
Beyond any grave
Beyond any hell
I know no more

Did time stop
Did existence exist

Knew, not I
Nothingness
Black eternity
Unleashed

And I succumb
And the pain is gone


And then
Infinitely then
I stir

Wakened to confusion
I rise

Pained reality
I am alive

God no
Please no

I walk
But it is not me walking
Distance and time
Replaced
By false lineage
And ghosted images
Replace reality
And I fall

Distance gone
I stand
Distance gone
I fall
And I sleep
Internally dead


Horrors of the worst
GOD!
GOD!
I am alive

Thoughts displaced
I gape
Sorrowfully
Into the mirror

It is me
Not dead
Not alive
A ghost of ghosts past

And I see light
And I reach for it
But time
And reality
Again betray
I reach
I fall
And I pain
And I question
The uncertainty of life
The uncertainty of death
And I vow
To stay alive

But sleep
Be you so evil
Overtakes
And I reach for the mirage
But it is gone
And I fall

And I fall and
And I want to live


But slumber
And pills
A bad potion of magic
Brings eternity into focus
And I slumber
Deeply
Quietly
Peacefully

At last


But the sun rises
And the door pounds
It is my family

My loving family
Had found my body

Their horror
A terrible gifted horror
Of love
And what was
Is gone


And I awake

Voices
Of loved and beloved
Bring life to reality
My wife
My daughter
My son
Ring life
Wakening my slumber

And I survive