Humor Poetry posted January 21, 2013


Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level
For those rare occasions when you need to say sorry

Apologies for FanStory Use

by Deniz22

 Occasionally, a problem begun by another writer on FanStory may call for an apology by you, the victim. How can this be, you ask, since you are not the perpetrator in this messy situation? It happens like this; you, the innocent victim to-be, write a very helpful review on FanStory. In it, you give honest feed back which we have been led to believe, all writers look for on FanStory, much like dogs seeking something disgusting in which to roll.
 
We know our advice comes from a pure heart, and although perhaps it is as bitter as effective cough medicine, still good for the hack so persistent in some writers. We don’t add a spoonful of sugar to go with it, because Mary Poppins we are not. We are serious reviewers, who can spot spag in the Constitution of the United States of America and are as generous with stars as Scrooge before his dream.
 
Unfortunately, a certain level of insecurity runs through most writers.  They are as nervous about a review as President Obama at a Joe Biden speech. Some feel that any correction is an invasion of privacy, a threat to their home, or a personal assault on their character. The only thing that causes them more tension is Joe Biden wanting them to pony up their guns.
 
When one of these writers gets a corrective missile from you, instead of thanking you, they reciprocate with a reply that questions your intelligence, integrity and  motivation. You, mature reviewer that you are, respond gently but firmly with a rational reason for  your review. Things escalate from there like the national debt, through no fault of yours.
 
As things proceed, the intensity of these ignorant, unwarranted attacks inextricably draw you down to the level of  your opponent. . When you catch yourself starting a reply with, “Oh yeah? Let me tell YOU something!” you are at relational rock bottom and  it’s time to reconsider your reactions. You have accidently stepped in doggie poo on the FanStory highway to literary glory, and it’s time to scrape it off your shoe.
 
You must apologize. You must offer the white flag of surrender. You must feed the dove of peace the grist from the mill powered by your anger. This is very difficult to do, but I am here to help you. The difficulty lies in the truth that your original review was not only correct, it was an outstanding piece of literature worthy of publishing in a manner that would not only bring you well deserved honor, but also some real dollars with pictures on them replacing the big FS emblazoned on your present remuneration for bringing truth, justice and the American way to this site. I realize that last was a run-on sentence, but I am on a roll here and I feel justified in hitting a few punctuational speed bumps.
 
Listen carefully; you were not wrong and your confidence in your original review must not waver. That position is not motivated by some petty ego trip of yours, not at all. Nor is your steadfastness a desire to retaliate for the surly attitude of your unwashed opponent. You seek higher ground; where the flag of literary integrity flies proudly in the breezes of  hot air whipping o’er the FanStory plains.. Repeat after me three times verbally; I have to be right for the higher good of my benighted opponent. It’s best to repeat this when alone, since adding volume enhances its impact on your psyche, but may draw unwanted attention from others. Go ahead, do it now! (If you are alone.)
 
Once you have prepared yourself, you are ready to write a dignified apology. This type allows you to remain correct while apologizing for drawing the unwarranted and inexplicable antagonism of a writer you were only trying to help. Here is a helpful model letter of apology you may use free of charge. Please do not mention my name in using it as I have enough problems. 
 
 Here you go:
 
Dear Barbarian, ( kidding! Insert real name, delete Barbarian. I momentarily use Barbarian as a therapeutic measure to release the tension you are no doubt feeling as you engage your attacker once more; of course, only for his/her good).
 
(continuing letter) I’m truly sorry that I’ve lost it with you in our last couple of exchanges. There’s no place for that kind of thing here, no matter how grievously provoked a sincere, skilled reviewer might be.

I’m sure that an honest appraisal (admittedly, not your strong suit) of your abusive replies to me would allow you to see that Mother Teresa herself would be hard pressed to not throw you out of  her orphanage on a cold, rainy night for such language.
 
But I forgive you, with the suggestion that you reread my original review after reading your poem again. Before you do reread your poem, I also suggest you run it through a spell checker, as I found doing so made it much easier for me to peruse.

One caution, should you follow my advice re spellchecker (such a following would be a first, but no time for the little stuff now) you will find that many of your words, clinging so desperately to some vestige of rhyme, are now completely abandoned as road kill on the meandering thread of meaning that runs through your poem like a sluggish river finding its way to the sea of real literature, there to be dispersed into merciful obscurity.
 
I pray after you follow my suggestions, the need for a complete  rewrite of your original effort will become apparent to you. I suggest a major improvement will be achieved by  the simple abandonment of all your original points.
 
I thank you in advance for your forgiveness and know that you will be seeking to thank me many times over when you see the seed of my advice planted into the rocky soil of your mind, springing up and producing fruit no one thought possible.

Please do not thank me. Rather concentrate on my advice. Pass it on to others. To help you do that, I am going to say adieu, finis. Yes, there comes a time when the master puts the learner in his open boat and pushes him out to sea, to sink or to swim.

To keep you from following your basic instincts concerning me, your (until now) unappreciated mentor, I am blocking you for your own good, my only intent always, in all of our communications. .  (End of letter)
 
There, that wasn’t so hard was it? Don’t you feel better for apologizing? The strife is over. I can honestly say, I have used this letter many, many times and it works like a charm. Never once have I ever had a complaint from anyone to whom  I sent this letter.
Feel free to use it too … peace.  



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Works like a charm ... I Promise!
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