I don't know where my fall began. Maybe I'm still falling, maybe I have allways been falling. There so much I don't know about the world and life and death. It's tough to say why things happen. I know I was not living right back then. I was drinking and partying and I was taking LSD a few times. I had a job working in Westhampton for a roofing company that paid me ten dollars an hour. My car broke down and I had no way to get back and forth to work, so I started hitch hiking. I was making some money, but it was never enough to fix my car and the people who lived in the house I was in were constantly stealing from me.

They would steal my food from the fridge. One time the individual speakers inside my stereo speakers were stolen. They would syphon my gas when my car was running. They would steal money from my draw in my room. I couldn't afford to find a better place to live. I was in a very bad place.

It was summer and roofing in the summer was a tough job. I would hitch hike to work and I would walk miles sometimes before I would get a ride. then I would work all day and have to hitch hike home. I would walk for miles and I was tired and hot.

When you don't get a ride you begin to pray for one. Hundreds of cars would pass and no one would stop. It would make me angry. I began to curse humanity. How could people be so crewl. All these people were going my way but no one cared. No one stopped. I was begining to feel cursed and I wrote this poem I'd like to share with you about it called "Cursed"

I knew the taste of death from seed.
Ill child has life conceived.
Left with hunger and with need.

My father lay dead in his tomb
Left me locked in a lonely womb.
Never safe from this curse-ed wound.

I can never undo what I did wrong.
Not even with this poet's song.
Even if I pray the day long.

An empty heart deprived of love.
God's peace flown away like a dove.
Rain falls like tears from up above.

Pounding on the screaming ground.
A promise broken fears abound.
Lies were spoken and never found.

I think this curse will last forever.
For something that should have never.
God's judgment is the final lever.

Cursed from beginning to end.
A curse that can never be rend.
God's wrath to me he did send.

It was somewhere around 1990 I think. I was renting a room in a house in Mastic. My future wife's half sister Donna had rented the house and then rented one of the rooms to me. I think God, or something super natural had a hand in me living there. If I can just veer off a bit I'd like to tell you an incredible story about meeting my wife and explain what I just said.

I met my wife while I was living in Mastic sharing a room in her sister house, at least I thought that at the time. She would come to visit her nephew TJ. It wasn't love at first site. We would sit and talk on the couch in the living room. We were good friends. After three months of this we went on our first date. Twenty two years later we are still together.

After I was living with my wife for three years we were out with one of her friends from high school named Tracy. I remembered her from high school because she was very popular and stikingly beautiful, and she still is actually.

Tracy said," I remember Tim he was in our math class."

It was then I realized something sort of significant. My wife sat next to me in math class in tenth grade. I was a year behind in math so she was in 9th grade.
She was very kind to me and she was very good at math. I was a typical lazy teenager and never did the homework and she would give it to me. We talked a little and I was attracted to her personality. She was a little heavy set and I wanted to ask her out, but I wanted a thinner more pretty girl. Well eventually I dropped the class because I was failing.

Before I left the class I wanted to ask her out, but again I didn't do it. I remember leaving the class and walking away sure I would never see her again. Then I started talking to God.

"Why can't I be a better person God? I know how a person looks shouldn't matter. It's what's on the inside that counts." Tears began to well in my eyes and I poured my heart out to God, and just then the light broke through the window at the end of the school hallway and bounced of the lockers causing rays of light to be strewn up and down the hallway as I walked through them. It was a very magical moment.

Now here it was all these years later and I was living with her. I guess God brought me to the person I should have been. It seems even though the Devil somehow had a hand in my life, so did God.

That was just a small aside I thought somehow kind of worked into the story. Anyway I was hitch hiking back and forth to work. Then the unthinkable happened.